Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[25yearsmlc]

Gordie,

fwiw I don't think there are words to be said in any correct order, that will reach your wife.

Please Don't bother. She cannot hear you.

I say this^^ as a wordsmith lawyer who spent so much of my life trying to make my h care more about our family & marriage.

Time I could've spent on better things, like creating a new life for me & the kids.

((( )))

[bttrfly]

I read this and ask myself, "Does OM2 know about the wedding plans?"

Am I the only one to wonder this?

Gordie my dear, you deserve so much better than this. I think you need to get everything locked down and once the ink is dry definitely let her know that you don't need any more friends.

She is cake eating. Odious. Just odious.

And yes, that's how this ought to play out: no one gets everything, everyone gets something and frankly, everyone ends up with less.

Well done for taking care of the business end of this despite the emotional aspects.

You can give in to that after the ink dries.

Stay on course. You're doing better than you feel. Guarantee it.
xoxoxo

[AndrewP]

Gordie - I was thinking about you this morning and an interesting image came to mind.

Your kids are perhaps of an age where you might remember the Penguins of Madagascar movies. So any time you are feeling that this isn't real, or you are hearing things that don't make any sense in any real world, just repeat to yourself (or out loud if you are daring) "Smile and wave boys ... Smile and wave"

Hope that made you smile.

[Gordie]

Thanks everyone for your support in this trying time. I made it another week. I am still alive!

25: self esteem breaking nightmare? Wow, you know I have not thought about what this has done to my self esteem. Wow. Generally speaking, I come across IRL as a smart, confident and quiet guy. But yeah, this makes me feel like dog poop.

Job: thank you for confirming my w is way out in left field. It takes a lot for you to say my d may be necessary...for me.

Roist: walk her down the aisle? OMG, that made me laugh. Working on step one re finalizing the d. I will journal later on where I am with the kids and the friend zone and the separation.

Andrew: you are awesome! It is definitely easier to deal with Princess or fairly land than Monster from the black lagoon. My L said the same thing but with less humor. Yes, it is in my best interest right now to be extra friendly and keep the Princess happy until the settlement is signed and d is final. L is actually concerned given her history she will flip flop again and not sign or sign and then try to pull out while it is pending approval before the court (could be a few months). I’m thinking of Cali and his multi year process. And yes, I’m not sure I got to fair but I did get to what I could swallow. I got what was most important to me re the kids and money.

Own it: yes, I didn’t want the d but taking the reigns to get it across the finish line has been good for me. I have learned from you and Cali and others that I can’t wait on her to get this done.

Cali: thank you man. I have no doubt if I knew you IRL that you along with several of th me other dudes here would be true friends. My one d buddy who has really helped me through this opened up to me this week about some of the wacky things he has experienced through his situation. He made a confession to me: it has been 8 years since his w abandoned him and his children to be with OM and they are still legally married because she continues to do what your w is doing in court.

Sotto: I would love for you to meet my w IRL so you can say that to her! Sadly, she has abandoned all her sane friends and replaced them with her “you go girl gang”

Butterfly: I thought that too!!! No idea and I didn’t ask. And yes, until the ink is dry and I am officially d trying really hard not to have any more R talks of any sort including the can we be friends one.

Andrew: I think I have seen every kids movie from the past 20 years and that did make me smile. You always make me smile. You come across as a very cheery dude, despite everything you have been dragged through. You give me hope.

[Gordie]

Journaling:

Big event was talking to the teens about the d. We spoke to each of them separately. She said I don’t want to be married anymore and we are getting d which took about as long as it took you to read and then she exited. I am glad that we didn’t lie to them and pretend that this was a joint decision. I stayed with each kid and talked to them longer and told them I was sorry that this was happening to the family and that I love them and that I don’t want the d to damage our R. I did not say anything about w. None of the kids are saying to w how they feel. One of the kids has come to me to discuss how he is feeling. On the one hand, I feel terrible about telling them. On the other, it relieves some of the tension in the house now that it’s out in the open.

Side notes:

W had one mid week overnight.

W suggested at one point that maybe W and OM2 and kids and I will all live in one big house together! And yes, we’ll have a barn full of rainbow farting unicorns too.

W texted me an ILY. I did not text back.

[Gordie]

Hit submit too early. Here are my paradoxes:

Yes, I still love my w but don’t think texting that reply to her helps. Yes, I am trying to get my d finalized, but still hope and pray for R but recognize that is not possible at this stage. And yes, trying to detach but still very much worry about her health and safety. One of these days she could just not come back and I would not know if she was dead or alive. I shudder to think that.

[Sotto]

Hi Gordie, it is good that you guys have managed to tell the kids - though her manner of doing it left a lot to be desired. I think that does show that she really just doesn't have much to give right now. She can't sit with them and be there for them at the time of delivering that significant news. I hope they are doing okay, given all circumstances Gordie. I imagine they will have questions about who is going to live where, with whom and when.. If you guys haven't yet agreed how separation and parenting are going to work, I guess now is really the time.

As for your W's comment about all living together....well, really???! That sounds like fun (not!!!) I understand that you don't want to be unkind, but I still think you can kindly disabuse her of these notions which would be absolute non-starters for you. For example, I think it would be perfectly fine to say - W, when our D finalises, I'll want to move on and think about dating myself - Living together with your new BF really wouldn't work for me.

During my D, I always tried to be kind to XH - or at least pleasant and businesslike. I always had this thought in the back of my mind (and it's an awful thought really, but it was there.) If he had a car accident tomorrow, or threw himself off a bridge, could I be at peace with my part? I've always remained conscious of that, and if he were in touch at some point again, it would be my guiding principle again. I don't think that means being a pushover - it's fine to be specific about what does or doesn't work for you, and ask for what you need - and do so in a pleasant and respectful way....

As others have said, you're probably in a better place than you feel you are right now. But just keep moving forwards my friend.

Xx

[HaWho]

Excellent job not texting back ILY.

And the way she just told the kids she didn't want to be married and walked out? That's the busted empathy chip you see in depression.

Well, of course she wants to live all together so that she can continue coming and going as she pleases while you do the lion's share of caring for the kids. It's a nice arrangement that suits her current MLC lifestyle. (My h treated me like an inn keeper during this part of replay.) Of course, once she has the kids 50/50 this fantasy life will not be manageable unless she has a trusty au pair on hand. Even then, the reality of day-to-day living will take over. And young kids need a whole lotta parenting. I can't see it being fun for OM2.

I found it interesting that many of the MLC wives returned from their girls gone wild nights being super sweet. My h did not do this. He avoided me. But, he would be really nice/do nice things beforehand. And so if he paid attention to the kids or took interest in something around the house I knew something was coming. And it always did. Their guilt shines through.

Gordie, without looking back, what are the ages of your kids? And, do you know if OM2 has kids? Does your w want 50/50 custody?

I know it's insane. Keep maintaining a sense of normalcy for your kids. Act as if everything will be okay. Show them tons and tons of affection. Tell this has nothing to do with them and that they are loved.

One of the many wonderful things about this board is that many Of the LBS post from the other side of this nightmare on steroids. One strong parent can pull kids through.

At this point, the focus needs to be your kids and taking care of yourself.

[AndrewP]

we’ll have a barn full of rainbow farting unicorns too

I had a big actual laugh out loud at this one. Not because of the ridiculousness of this idea but because pre-bomb day whenever my STBX would break wind, I'd go "ooohh - sparkles and rainbows!"

And yes, trying to detach but still very much worry about her health and safety. One of these days she could just not come back and I would not know if she was dead or alive. I shudder to think that.

A couple of things on this. You wouldn't be the man who came here and fought so hard if you didn't care about this. I get it. It took me a long time of absolute no contact to get to where I didn't worry.

Gordie - even though she may not think it, you know that you've been fired from this job. With that said there are a couple of things you could do - none of them being a good idea. We use a free app called Life360 that allows the kids and I to know where we are. I got it initially when it was just me and the cats and I was worried that if something happened to me that it could be days before I got help. The kids of their own free will also share their locations with me including my daughter's husband. IPhones have location tracking and Google Maps has a share my location feature.

BUT - you would only feel pain knowing the details. There's a term I've read elsewhere called "pain shopping" and that store is always open. It's not quite the same, but when I disconnected from my STBX on Facebook I had a person I trust keep connected to let me know if anything significant was going on. You may want to consider having your W perhaps share her location with one or more of the older kids online. But again - it really is for the best to let this go. It will be tough, it will take time, but it's for the best.

I had a talk to an acquaintance of mine yesterday who it turns out cheated on his wife about 20 years ago and left her. He said that like me, he thinks of his ex has his children's mother, not his ex. The connection isn't directly with him. It's through his children and to her that way. I've noticed a lot of divorced parents seem to think that way. It's quite a mind shift but it might help with the detachment.

Well - just about time for me to head off for my Saturday errands. Stay strong my friend. This ride isn't over yet.

[Gordie]

S: it is good that you guys have managed to tell the kids - though her manner of doing it left a lot to be desired. I think that does show that she really just doesn't have much to give right now. She can't sit with them and be there for them at the time of delivering that significant news. I hope they are doing okay, given all circumstances Gordie. I imagine they will have questions about who is going to live where, with whom and when.. If you guys haven't yet agreed how separation and parenting are going to work, I guess now is really the time.

G: we will be nesting until the house is sold as there isn’t enough money right now for two houses. This will be the most stable for the kids and will last up to a year.

S: As for your W's comment about all living together....well, really???! That sounds like fun (not!!!) I understand that you don't want to be unkind, but I still think you can kindly disabuse her of these notions which would be absolute non-starters for you. For example, I think it would be perfectly fine to say - W, when our D finalises, I'll want to move on and think about dating myself - Living together with your new BF really wouldn't work for me.

G: I made it crystal clear that this was not a possibility. However, I did say I was surprised by her comment because it was a 180 from a few months ago where she was begging me to move out (and I refused).

S: During my D, I always tried to be kind to XH - or at least pleasant and businesslike. I always had this thought in the back of my mind (and it's an awful thought really, but it was there.) If he had a car accident tomorrow, or threw himself off a bridge, could I be at peace with my part? I've always remained conscious of that, and if he were in touch at some point again, it would be my guiding principle again. I don't think that means being a pushover - it's fine to be specific about what does or doesn't work for you, and ask for what you need - and do so in a pleasant and respectful way....

G: that’s exactly what I’m trying to do. I’m sure I fail at times, but it’s the goal.

S: As others have said, you're probably in a better place than you feel you are right now. But just keep moving forwards my friend.

G: as always, thank you for the reassurances.