Advice on wife's actions

[25yearsmlc]

Hi all,

A few weeks ago my W announced she was done with our marriage, she loved me but wasn't in love with me. She later changed her stance to not loving me anymore and not wanting to be around me. We've been together since we were 16, we're now 34 and have two kids 9 &11.

I've done as she asked, I've found a house for me and the kids to share custody. I had to let her keep the house as it's a large nursery where she makes her living. She has been so cold and hateful I don't recognise her anymore. She has refused to sleep in the house so we both sofa or hotel surf.

I announced yesterday I've found a home, she burst in to tears and hugged me, she was still crying when I left. Last night she stayed in a hotel and drank 2 bottles of wine. She looks destroyed but has been adamant we would never stand a chance of getting back together.



We have hurt each other in the past in many ways, no infidelity as such, but she has had some flirting and struggles with setting boundaries with men. I have also been controlling and needy in the past. We have physically assaulted each other around 5 years ago, I went for counselling but my wife refused, she says this is a big part of why she now wants to leave. She accepts no responsibility for any issues in our marriage.

I have to move out because we no longer have a home, it is literally a business 13 hours a day, we have no privacy and she has worked herself in to the ground. I have been very concerned about her for the last two years but she has refused help while simultaneously asking for help, but she refused to consider reducing her workload.

Is she now having second thoughts or just grieving the loss of our long relationship?

First,
--your last sentence -it's both - second thoughts come with grieving the loss of a long relationship

and grieving comes with second thoughts. Does not mean she wants to reconcile and besides, getting back together without doing some of the work FIRST, is not a recipe for long term success. And Unless she gets a lot of clarity in HER head (which you do not control)
AND decides to reconcile AND to do the work you both will have to do, then there's no point in wondering what is in her head or heart for now.

Better to work on the things you can work on, and leave her to her own sandbox.

if you work on you, and become the best Liam you can become, the best dad,

it'll be noticed. She may want the inner peace you develop and may get on her own road to self improvement.

But the catch 22 is, you have to become the best you, for YOU & your sons, and not merely as a tactic to get her back.

I highly recommend you get Michelle Weiner Davis's book "Divorce Remedy" or Divorce Busting"
and read it asap. I think the first chapter of one of them is online. The book is the basis for this site's approach.

And this site is not the only save your marriage site, but it has a specific method & belief system.

As for the house, I'm a little confused. I usually urge spouses to get legal advice and NOT to move out, etc. Protect your property rights and custody, etc (and in some states it's a form of abandonment to leave.)

Though I'm a lawyer - I am not giving you legal advice, just to be clear. Even if I wanted to, I don't have the specifics of your state and situation. -

But it sounds as if the family business (or just hers?) is IN the house. She has to be out as well? So you both rotate -
When you say you "literally have no home" what does that mean for you & the boys? Literally? Are the kids at the rental home and you and your wife move around, or what? I'm a bit unclear. And where were you all living before the crisis?

Anyhow you can probably protect yourself with some documentation & figure out a way to track income & expenses.

You do NOT need to file for divorce. But you do need to protect yourself.

As for the MARITAL issues , you said some vague "controlling/needy" things you seem to agree with, but that can mean a lot of different things. You don't have to tell us all the nitty gritty but can you give an example or 2 of what SHE means?

What would SHE say if she were here?

And is it stuff you think is valid? In other words, are there some things you would like to work on, anyhow? Especially modeling for your kids.

Start there. I often say "Get in your sandbox and do your work, & stay out of your w's"

because we get bogged down in our personal work, we get frustrated when no immediate results happen from our spouse's side, and we feel we are not being noticed or valued. We think we "are doing all the work."

But it's OUR work to do, regardless. And wondering "when SHE is going to do hers??" Is fruitless

and it sort of defeats the purpose. I mean, if we are sincerely working on ourselves to become the best authentic versions of ourselves,

then what the heck difference does it make if someone else is doing theirs?

So get the book(or both) and read and you don't worry about HER.

Figure out a few "180's you can do to undermine the negative images she has of you

but which you want to work on, anyhow. Like if she said "Liam is ALWAYS late",

you become MR PUNCTUAL and you arrive on time or early for everything.

Over time she'll see that her "data" about you is not real or no longer valid. And we go from there.

Make sense?