25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 7

[25yearsmlc]

are you saying you'd never ask a woman you're dating, why they divorced?

I guess what I'm saying is that when I was recently divorced and just starting to date, asking about divorce came very early in the conversation. Part of that, to your point, was seeing who they blamed and how they thought about things,

^^^yes. And I think even when I'm really detached, when i only feel pity or indifference for h,

I think I'll still want to know how the man I date, sees their role in their past.

thoughts?


and part of it was wanting to share my own story because it was cathartic to do so.


hmm. So far, I discuss my h and marriage b/c I am asked by men I meet. And the questions I get are more about "how can your h be so crazy?" type of questions. They mean the question to be flattering.

It troubles me in a way.


Eventually, however, it was no longer cathartic and didn't really inform how I was living or thinking about things any more, so it was just less relevant.


except for the triggers I assume will exist (like a low tolerance for lying), I can see it becoming less & less of an issue in my life.

As goofy as this sounds, I want a timeline goal for myself. Like "By X date, I want h to no longer matter so much", etc
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I'm not saying I would never ask now, it's important to understand your partner's past and hear their full narrative, but it wouldn't come as early in the relationship and it wouldn't be as significant a factor in understanding the whole person.


okay I hear you. I mean that. Question -

while I'm in total agreement about needing to hear their past/narrative at some point.
For ME, at this stage

I kind of want the discussion early enough so I don't invest much in a man who lacks self awareness.

Why bother waiting if it's kind of a deal breaker for me?


For instance I was dating a woman who said her son got caught smoking in high school and had to pay a $5 fine. He paid the fine all in pennies, and she thought that was funny and supported him doing it. That was really not compatible with how I parent, so that combined with other things influenced me to stop dating her, whereas early on the divorce narrative was "the thing" if that makes sense.

Acc

It makes total sense you could not see her again - though I wonder if she was trying it out on you? Needed feedback?

On a semi related note - An old high school BF of mine discussed his mother's hip replacement surgery.

Shared with me that her doctor said he'd overcharge Medicare and they could split the difference. WTF?

I wonder if he told me this b/c my h is a doctor, but it's so anathema to my values, it still surprises me he'd tell ME.

He's married but FTR, i would never date him now.

Kind of bugs me that he told me. Feels insulting.