To respond to the questions about me not kicking her out of the house...I can ask her to leave, and her answer is "no". Then what? I cannot physically remove her...
Opening the cage door isn't about asking her to leave. If she felt controlled and manipulated in the M then you need to do a 180 on that, and a 180 is letting her make her own decisions. In my case after getting a lot of advice here and from reading DR and also Love Must Be Tough about how to approach this, I told my W "I want you to stay here and work on the M, but I understand that is not what you want and I will not try to stop you if you decide to leave. I will support you in your decision whatever that may be." And she did decide to leave, and I did support her. If she had stayed I would have supported that too. The only option I did not present her with was ME leaving. She did approach me later and ask why SHE had to be the one to leave, and I told her I was not the one that wanted to end the M and I was not going to be the one inconvenienced by that decision.
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The going dark thing is a reference to where members here simply leave their spouse unannounced for days or weeks. This shows the spouse that they are done with the marriage and gives the spouse a chance to miss them.
Yes and no. Going dark is really just stopping all pursuit. It isn't so much disappearing off the face of the earth as it is just not texting/ calling/ stopping by. You can't go completely dark when kids are involved because there has to be some coordination, so in that case we call it "going dim". You still stop all pursuit but you do maintain just enough contact to work out kids stuff. And if you're under the same roof even "going dim" is difficult because you see each other all the time. It's really tough for a WAS to learn to miss the LBS when they're living together. It's not impossible though. Read TXHubby's threads, he eventually got fed up and went close to dark while still sharing a house with his W and that did result in her having an awakening.
