With the end of the affair, I have been "freed" in some ways to more fully contemplate the rest of my life with this woman who betrayed me (and, yes, whom I hurt so badly prior to that betrayal). It makes for some awkward moments and feelings, and I can definitely see now what my wife means when she talks about some things (such as intimate touch) seeming weird or awkward
I remember when I was still fairly new on the board, that some strong LBH's would talk about my betrayal. I still had the mindset of a WW, so it would really trigger my anger. I would usually refer to all the things my H did before I cheated. Of course, they were quick to let me know that nothing excused or deserved an affair. I didn't like it, but I learned from them.
The reason I refer back to this is b\c it may take time for your W to really grasp the damage she's done. Not that she's not smart enough to realize it, but she has to process a lot. It may come in stages. In my case, I mentally knew that my betrayal was bad.......but emotionally, I felt my H had betrayed me in other ways. Perhaps that was some type of self protection from facing the truth all at once.....IDK.
It took quite some time before I could really accept what I had done to our relationship, b\c I continued to drag up the past and focus on his mistakes. I was trying to blame him for my actions. I mean, I would admit the A, and then quickly add what my H did.....as if it was an equal offense. I think I may have tried to believe it was. Although I was a mature woman, my emotions were causing me to think like an immature teenager.
I don't know if your W will harbor resentments like I did, but IMHO, it's one of the major stumbling blocks for the WW. Having a therapist to work with her through the process of letting go of the past and forgiving you.....will free her to work on the other issues. My false pride (a mask for stubbornness) did not serve me well. However, once I was honest with myself and forgave my H of things in the past....and just let it go, then I was able to feel true remorse for what I had done to him.
Just take this FWIW. These things usually take a lot longer than we expect.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
