Limerence and My Situation 5

[Btrow]

but would personally prefer us ALL waking up together on Christmas day but said we are where we are and need to deal with it.

Mark, you really have to stop saying things like that to her... If she wants back in the M, she'll know what to do.

Now you know why I made a written agreement with my XW stating in which years I have them for christmas, easter etc. vice versa. To avoid talks like that. (she still wants to discuss them almost every time a holiday comes up, but at least I have the power to stand my ground).

Deep down I feel that the detaching I’ve been doing has just been blown away but on the other hand I feel better in the fact that she knows I’m still invested in our MR.

I'm 100 % positive she knew that already.

[Parkema]

Thanks All,

I’m kicking myself I really am but I'll explain why I don't see it as bad as most feel it is!

To be honest this is the first time I’ve mentioned anything about how I feel regarding our R, as you’ll see throughout my posts I’ve NEVER mentioned or had conversations regarding the A or her AP/LO it’s one of my boundaries that I’m adamant in sticking by.

25 – “Because she must be a great catch for you to still pine for her and want her back in a heartbeat” yes she is!
“She’s further down the road than you realize. (But to be fair, she had a head start.)
What do you mean by this ^^^^^^^^^^?

Kaizen - “What are you going to do to 'deal with it' in this instance?” I’m steadfast in my decision, I will have my boys on Christmas eve/Christmas morning. I have created a plan for us both and do try to accommodate when it comes to the kids as this works both ways.
Obviously we rotate yearly the key days as it happens the “rota” suggests me this year.

Leahsue/Btrow – Again this is the FIRST TIME I’ve got anywhere close to pursuing her it won’t happen again any time soon.

There are a number of different views on how to handle a WW, I tend to lean on Sandi (been there and lived the life of a WW) the DR book is limited regarding ongoing A’s and favors WAS’s or piecing more.

For me I’m now more focused on my shortfalls regarding R/MR matters with the following I feel I need to work on:
1. DR’ing although modified is a given.
2. MNGS – I would suggest MOST BH’s on this site are or could be classed as MNG’s if presented with a WW.

BEFORE YOU ALL HIT ME WITH YOUR 2x4’s….

3. Loving detachment - < this is basic MWD, detachment is meant to I'm lead to believe help the LBS to maintain a sense of control and have the ability to step back from the madness of the A, where I have issues with it is that part of our problem was possibly a lack of affection and support towards my WW!
I intend to allow her all the space she needs to work through her issues BUT when SHE WANTS TO ENGAGE WITH ME let her know I’m here to listen (please remember the boundary above) and validate.

4. Creating a safe place – again I’m ducking when I type this! Statistically 95% of extramarital affairs end within 2-years (possibly 3-years now) I can go on and on about statistics and you’ll all tell me they mean very little I say “horses for courses”, continuing to show my WW WHEN SHE ENGAGES a place where she can continue to come to and won’t be berated (again see above boundary) will keep some investment in the MR IF AND WHEN her A comes to an end.

I’m fully aware and am NOT stupid enough to know this is not a guarantee BUT I feel is better to work on than biased opinion.
As I type this the site has 65 people viewing the newcomers section as such I feel as much as I rely on everybody’s input it is still limited (not attacking anyone here), maybe someone should start a thread on statistics found on these boards!

Now knowing the above you can see why I feel letting my WW know I’m still invested in the MR isn’t a massive set-back but still is not something I’m going to do again moving forwards.

Sandi – RC, Bluwave – RC, 25yearsmlc – RC, Rose888 – RC. < isn’t this strange that all I could find in the short time I looked on the boards is these people RC’ed (although possibly did face BD again). They’re all female… Statistically speaking the male is more in favor of RC with the female “checked out” of the MR. I work on facts and figures and I base my beliefs on them, don’t castrate me for using fact over opinion. If you want to respond than please let the board know if you are/have RC or are filing (again time is prevalent here as MOST LBS file TOO SOON) < does this allow for RC and does this cloud the statistics..?

Am I relying on the AP/LO to go back to his LBS..? No I work on me and my boys and leave them to their own devices UNTIL I’m approached by my WW for support that’s what H’s do...

I can’t control anything within the A, I can’t control WW or AP/LO all I control is me and me is my focus.

Let the barrage begin.

Mark.

[AnotherStander]

We obviously both want our boys waking up with us on the day but they can’t be in two places at the same time, I basically said that I wouldn’t budge from my position but would personally prefer us ALL waking up together on Christmas day but said we are where we are and need to deal with it.

I don't know that it was a setback because you didn't say anything your W doesn't already know, but I think it shows a lack of your own personal progress. I think you're stuck, and you need to get unstuck.

Regarding Christmas arrangements, this is the hardest part about S and D I think. When I was a kid and my parents got divorced, Christmas went from being the most awesome thing ever to being super awkward and painful. It lost all of the magic. When XW and I separated, we discussed Christmas at length and decided the best thing for the kids was to set our differences aside and get together Christmas morning to open presents. We still do that. We'll hang around a few hours and usually have lunch together and then split off again. Her BF and my GF are not part of that, we each have our separate gift exchanges with them. It's certainly not something that would work for everyone as some WAS's and MLCers are just on another planet. But it has worked for us and helped to lessen the blow of D to the kids.

But regardless of what you decide, you've got to learn to negotiate with your W. You're no longer a family and you need to accept that, and be willing to give as well as take on holidays. Tell her what you want, listen to what she wants, and if those don't align then try to come up with an equitable solution.

Deep down I feel that the detaching I’ve been doing has just been blown away

Please understand this- you've never detached. You have a deathgrip on the rope. You're squeezing it so tight your hands are turning purple. You try and hide it behind your back and tell us and yourself that you've dropped it, but you're not fooling anyone. Understanding that simple truth might be your first step in actually dropping the rope some day.

[Rose888]

You're missing the men in your list of reconciled relationships: TXHubby, Stormchaser, LiM, and Tobias are the ones that come to mind, but I am probably missing someone.

Also, I have no idea what point you are trying to make with your list of people who have reconciled. What are you trying to say?

Re your point 3, it sounds like you think detachment is only something that needs to happen while you are estranged from your wife. Detachment is not something you need because your marriage is in trouble. It's a quality of a healthy marriage and has nothing to do with the level of affection and support you offer your spouse.

You might be confusing detachment with not pursuing. They are different things.

I've been reading your posts from the beginning, and they reek of pursuit. I would be very surprised if your wife doesn't sense that.

[Parkema]

All,

You lack understanding of my situation.

We don’t live together – detachment
We don’t spend time together EXCEPT hand-overs - detachment
WW makes contact NOT ME (you’ve read my posts I think not) – no pursuit.
WW calls or texts me I NEVER INITIATE (you’ve read my posts I think not) – NC
I GAL regularly and have a major 180 in place (you’ve read my posts I think not) – DR’ing.

Of course I think of her she IS my W and has been a part of my life for 13 years, I’m being honest can you all say the same..?

I feel this site is not catered for my approach and as much as I FEEL I am DR’ing I’m not bound to its principles and will continue to invest time in doing what I think is right.

The only good thing that’s come back from this post Rose888 is the list of “others” that RC’ed giving hope to us all.

It’s such a shame that I’m not being understood but appreciate you taking me to point on this my English must be terrible.

Mark.

[Rose888]

So, you are saying I'm lying about reading your posts? Nice.

Can you answer my question about what you are trying to show wih the list of people who have reconciled?

You don't have to initiate the contact to pursue during the contact. For example. She contacted you about Christmas but your words about wanting to all wake up together is pursuing. I think you are so focused on who initiates that you aren't as aware of how often you pursue once she contacts you.

How do you define detachment? I don't consider living in separate houses or not spending time together part of detachment.

Detachment is being responsible for your own emotions and not taking responsibility for other people's emotions. Signs that someone isn't detached are things like mind reading, analyzing what a specific interaction means, dwelling on the spouse and what they are thinking or doing or how they feel about the OP, etc.

[leahsue]

Of course I think of her she IS my W and has been a part of my life for 13 years, I’m being honest can you all say the same..?


Mark, oh Mark,

I feel for you, I really do. No 2x4s from me, because I think we could all take swings at you, and you are still going to keep pursuing your W.

I think YOU are the one who's not being honest, with yourself, and you spend a ton of energy trying to convince us that you are.

You think of her as your W, and on paper, she still is. But I can promise you, SHE DOES NOT THINK OF YOU AS HER HUSBAND.

Until you face that hard truth, I'm afraid you will never detach, drop the rope, move out of your stuck place, or free yourself from the chains of a marriage that no longer exists.

I'm so sorry. I hope you find some peace in all this, at some point.

[AnotherStander]

Mark, we're just trying to help you buddy. I know you're frustrated and angry, but I'm not sure you know -why-. It's not because of us or what we're saying. If you read things that make you angry then just stop, take a deep breath and ask yourself why it is making you so mad.

You lack understanding of my situation.

We don’t live together – detachment
We don’t spend time together EXCEPT hand-overs - detachment

Those things are absolutely not detachment! Separation does not equal detachment, not at all. You could be a thousand miles away and not see her for 10 years and still not be detached. Detachment is MENTAL, not physical.

[LH19]

I use to read this every morning:

Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.

Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.

I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.

[Parkema]

Thank you for your comments and sorry Rose I would NEVER call anybody a liar and apologise if it came across that way.

I'm beginning to tire of repeating myself, I have a different opinion to most on this board but will stick to my principles and quite possibly won't get to a successful conclusion. I ask about RC to highlight that there is hope.

I won't blow that bridge up and will continue to champion my MR for my boys as its the right thing to do.

I understand how I go about this is confusing it's my way but based on DR and just wish I could express that what I've learnt here I try to put into practice.

Thank you all and good luck in everything you do.

Peace - Mark's out.