Lost on how to save my marriage! 4

[joejoe1]

J9,

I think I'm going to get that tatted on me. "feed the good wolf". New tat coming soon.

[hoosjim]

I think I'm going to get that tatted on me. "feed the good wolf". New tat coming soon.

It is an instructive fable. One of my faves, and I already liked wolves to begin with.

I already have a pretty nice spirit wolf on my forearm. Strongly considering the good wolf/ bad wolf yin-yang for my next. Something like this (hope the pic comes through):

[img]https://i.pinimg.com/236x/40/4b/01/404b018958ac679b8e34d9598aa82ace--wolf-tattoos-tribal-tattoos.jpg[/img]

[joejoe1]

Hoosjim,

That's why J9 told me to feed the good wolf, because a few post back, I posted the fable. I have been working hard to keep the good wolf fed.

[joejoe1]

Update,

So my wife and I talk last night. Got personal. When I got home from work, we was having a good conversation. She noticed I had smoked a cigarette. I told her I had stopped. I lied at first about it and she got really upset. She went into this spell about how, she has been working hard to tell me the truth about everything she is doing. So after I apologized for lying about smoking and things calm down. She also started crying and said she wants to trust me (to be honest in my head, I was like, seriously, but I digressed). I did lie and I was 100% wrong. So I asked her was she ready to have a hard conversation, she said yes, we could do it later on after the boys went to bed.

Hard Conversation:

So I asked a bunch of questions, only a few about the OM. I didn't want to give him any attention, but I had to address a few questions.

Then we went into us, I asked her what we were doing, See responded with, working on the M, I don't know what you are doing (the last part was sarcasm). I was caught off guard.

She went into she has never felt the way she has felt around me now and she don't know how it happen (her feeling good around me, her not wanting me to leave and dropping her guard and letting her open her heart back towards me). She informed me that I was so negative and mean that she just closed herself off to me, that now since I have been positive, optimistic and nice, that it's easy to communicate with me and her wanting to do things for me. Not the NGS nice, but the I do things for her and the boys not expecting nothing in return.

She said she felt guilty about the A and she was sorry. She explained how I didn't make her feel sexy and never told her how beautiful she was for over 6 years. She told me that having sex with me, she felt like a piece of meat. She said I didn't make her feel sexy because I would belch in her face before a kiss and walk around passing gas (dam, as I typed it, it sounds horrible). She also mentioned how my hygiene was also a huge turn off. I would not take showers every night. Now I do. I gain 50 pounds, and didn't care how I dressed, another huge turn off.

She informed me that she want our sex life to be better and she wants me to do more to get her in the mood the right way, not just when it's time to have sex.

We both went into things we didn't like about our sex life. She also told she also got lazy during sex, and it was because she felt like I was really not attracted to her.

I'm still trying to believe all of this. She also informed me she think we will make it, and that there's a lot of other couples that has made it through a lot worst.

I'm staying to course, I'm continuing to working on myself. I'm ensuring that I don't pressure her.

Do I call this piecing?

[25yearsmlc]

is it piecing?

Sounds like it's a start. And what you are doing (listening and taking in her input) is the right path, obviously. It's helping.

I think you said you were in MI in the military, right? Okay so your w is giving you "intel"

and you need to keep on gathering it, taking it in and making the changes she's hoping for, when you agree with them.

(What you wrote here about her feelings sound pretty valid to me).

I have 5 brothers. My sisters and I had to give them a LOT of feedback about not acting as if they were in a locker room when they were on a date or married.

As for the intimacy, can you learn to be comfortable discussing it? You are not a mind reader, and neither is she, so words are a really good thing to use. Sounds obvious but a ton of couples have trouble with it.

Also are either of you in IC? I don't recall if you said so. I highly recommend it for you, and don't freak if she says she does not want to go yet. Just do it for you. Plus if she sees you going to IC and making changes, (& you being more at peace internally)

she'll lower her resistance to change for herself.

She will want what you are gaining.

Hang in there, this is a start!

[sandi2]

Now you are going to start growing by leaps & bounds, if you'll stick with it. Know why? B\c you are opening up and looking at that part no person wants to see in themselves. It takes a lot of courage to admit the things you have posted about yourself. That is the first step, to climb off that old false pride and look at the ugly truth. How can we hope to improve if we cannot see our wrong?

You will practically start from scratch and create a new man. But oh my! How could you lose? . I want to encourage you as much as I know how......b\c I get excited when I read this update and how honest you are being. I hope you can put aside one hour per day as a study time to learn more about what women want, need, feel, and how they think about a few things.....mostly marriage, sex, and the H's role. There are so many great books that reveal these things, it would be crazy not to take advantage and read them. I think I have already suggested reading about the five love languages.

She noticed I had smoked a cigarette. I told her I had stopped. I lied at first about it and she got really upset

She was probably concerned you were slipping back into an old habit. IMHO, the best way to respond is to say something like, "I apologize for lying about it, Honey. I didn't want to disappoint you, but I realize lying made it worse". It's hard for some people to simply say, "I'm sorry".

I am so glad she apologized for the affair. It's a step in the right direction. That, and her saying she was trying to work on the M.

Both of you have a lot of hard work ahead. Take it day by day, or you will wear out quickly. Both of you will go through different emotions along the way. This is normal.

I hope both of you will get professional therapy.

If I may offer one more piece of advice, it is to practice good timing. Don't try to cover more than one subject in personal or touchy conversations. Don't talk too long about it. Don't have talks late at night, when tired, upset, etc. If her mood is not good, step back and don't engage in a talk. Okay?

[Tread]

Joe,

I am seriously happy for you. This conversation is all that I ever wanted in my own sitch. And you are more than open and ready to accept what is being told to you. A lot of that was hard to hear and most people would have tried to defend themselves. But you admitted and acknowledged that those were issues you were having. Keep up the good work.

[Jim1234]

Congrats on taking a big step forward.

Part of my realization from being on here is that my W has told me for years what the problems were, but they didn't make sense to me so I blew off what she was telling me. How I wish now that I made more effort to understand what she was talking about.

I hope you realize your wife has just told you many of the things you need to do to regain, and retain her interest. I hope you were listening; it sounds like you were, and I wish you the best.

[TBSakaJ9]

JJ....this is great to here and it sounds like you are really diving deep to address some very personal things. I think it is a very good sign that your W is very open and willing to talk about the things in your MR that bothered her. Be patient, take 1 day at a time and continue to work on the new JJ 2.0!

[Holding]

JoeJoe, this is great, man! I'm so happy this is happening for you!

Just remember to take things slow. Keep your expectations in check still. The DB book describes this stage like feeding a squirrel. You need to be very careful or the squirrel will get scared and run off.

I think your positive attitude has really played a big part in this. Keep it up!