Fighting my way out of the dark Part 5

[Holding]

I've been quiet in my own thread lately, so I thought I'd pop in with a brief update.

I've been thinking about things a lot lately, especially whether the MR is worth saving. I've been digging into more NGS content (forums, podcasts). I'm at a point in life where I want to grow in new ways. I've given this MR my all, and there's nothing left to give. I've come to realize this M is not a healthy place for me to be. STBXW is not a person I can continue this journey with. I need to move on with my life.

I've had to make a big decision with my L (maybe I can talk about it later, but I don't feel comfortable for now). This is pretty much the point of no return for the MR.

I'm back to strict NC with STBXW, except for kids and finances. I'm going to shut down any R talks as soon as they start. I need y'all to be my accountability buddies - let me know if you see me screwing up!

This past weekend I drove past a place we used to rent (I happened to be driving by, it's not something I sought out). This triggered a very cathartic screaming session driving on the freeway. In fact, I screamed so loud that I felt lightheaded afterwards. I need to watch that.

I'll continue to GAL: meeting with friends, doing things solo, putting myself out there, etc. I'm thinking about taking piano lessons - it's something I've always wished I could do. I'll be taking S14 on a youth hunting program in a few weeks. He's been with STBXW on one of these before, but this is my first time taking him, and I hope we can bond a bit b/c our R has felt strained lately.

Something I came across in the NGS literature is the concept of a special woman being the icing on my cake. It's my job to build an awesome life by myself - that's the cake. A female partner should only ever be the icing. If I lose that icing, I still have the cake. I see how in my M I tried to make my STBXW the cake itself.

Thanks to Acc, Sandi, J9, East, Zues, JoeJoe, and AS for helping me navigate these waters.

(Yes, that was brief )