Journey to Acceptance

[job]

Coly,

I've been reading along and staying off on the sidelines because others have given you excellent advice.

I want to point something out to you that you may not even be aware. I think your h made mention again that he feels that you are expecting something from him. Coly, even though you think you are just meeting up w/him for tea or coffee, your body language is sending off vibes that you are expecting him to say he wants to come home and reconcile. Body language, especially the eyes, tend to say something different than our words. People in MLC have an uncanny sense of detecting things about us, our moods and yes body language.

I do agree w/bttrfly, you can come from a place of loving kindness, but you've got to fake it to make it for a while. Eventually, the faking will become the genuine "can't be arssed" attitude.

Your expectations are still up the scale a bit and you've got to lower them...do not "expect or want him to help you. If he does something on his own, thank him. But, when it comes to the bottom line, should him that you are a confident woman who can take care of herself and not have to expect or ask him to help you. Something breaks, ring up someone else.

Coly, time to pull out the actress costume and start playing the role of a confident, self-assured woman. The nominations are coming in for the best actress role and I want to see you on that list.

Take care.

[Coly23]

bttrfly/Job, thank you both so much for the visit.

As time goes on, I am actually finding it harder and harder to fake it. I don't know why. I think it's because I am tired of this sitch. The funny thing is, is that I would love to have been an actress when I was younger! But I really don't like the script that I have been given!

I know I shouldn't expect him to help me, but that doesn't give him the excuse to behave badly and make such mean comments. In fact he needn't have said anything at all if he wasn't interested in helping. I haven't asked him for any help at all. In fact me and D have been to the garden centre loading large bags of decorative bark in and out of the car with no help from anyone. I think I will just not mention anything to him in future.

Job, the going for coffee thing. I really need to stop doing this whilst I still feel incapable of controlling my emotions! I have learned my lesson at last!

In other news. D has responded to her Dad's email and has agreed to start communicating with him. We will see what happens.

Nothing from H, but I expect the next time we hear from him will be in December for D's birthday. At the moment my ability to treat H with loving kindness is slowly slipping. If he texted me tonight I don't think I could be bother to respond, I just don't have it in me at the moment. Maybe I'm just going through a phase. I don't know!

Happy Monday everyone! X

[OwnIt]

Dearest Coly, every time I read your thread my heart breaks for you. I see you repeating the same patterns over and over and not learning your lessons from the last time.

Did you ever read Johnathan Livingston Seagull. I may be remembering it all wrong, but I believe the point was that we keep coming back until we have learned the lessons of our lives.

I think for you dear Coly, you will continue to cause yourself pain until you can let go of your expectations. You reach out to him, you have a nice time, and then when he does not behave as you expect him to, you snap at him. He then retorts that this is why he has to stay away and he does until you reach out again. It is such a vicious cycle. If it isn't you pushing him away, then it is your D. It must be pretty difficult for someone in a crisis to constantly experience that.

I don't think you ever give him time to see that you have changed. That you won't have these expectations of him that he can't meet. I know it is unfair that you have to be the one with an open heart who does everything "right" and he gets to be the screwed up one who just takes as much as he wants and walks away. But the thing is that the dynamic will never change until one of you is strong enough to make it. I think that has to be you Coly.

[bttrfly]

it's ok love, just practice the loving kindness meditation anyway. 10 mins a day. excel at life site. many blessings and love xoxoxo

[Coly23]

Thank you Ownit and bttfrfly.

Own - I know I am stuck in this cycle at the moment. It's crazy that I can't seem to control my emotions when I am around him that is why I think it is best that I stay away from him altogether until I can. He hasn't bothered to contact me anyway so it's academic whether I stay away or not.

Trouble is, is that although I am examining my life and the things I could change about myself I am literally working in the dark. I have no clue what drove him away because he won't tell me so I don't know what changes I am supposed to be showing him. If I look at the things he said to me at bomb drop then I need to give up gardening and start liking sport! He did say to me the last time I saw him that it is not necessarily anything I have done which I think is his way of getting me to stop asking him for reasons.

As for being in crisis. I don't know that he is. I think he just wants to be single and have no responsibilities. He seems content and happy enough at the moment and always looks so surprised that I am not accepting or playing along with his new life.

As for D. She wears her heart on her sleeve but she has never told him how she feels. I haven't discussed her feelings with him either. At one point a few months ago he said he was worried that she may not want to see him anymore and I just said give her time. She was not happy that I said this to him because she said that implies that she might want to see him in the future but infact she has made up her mind that she does not want to see him anymore.

This whole thing is even worse in that he refuses to communicate, even though he said he will try and commnunicate better, unless I reach out to him. It is just like I don't exist anymore and that hurts a lot.

Anyway, happy Thursday everyone!!

[OwnIt]

Coly, I think you are searching for something that doesn't exist. I don't think there is any question that he is in an MLC. That he is nice and comes over when you invite him doesn't detract from that. There is no reason why he did this to you. This is about him.

Mine said he he had to leave for the dumbest reasons that change all the time.

He left for the same reason yours did. He left because he is broken inside. He is depressed.

Yours tries to reconnect via D (remember the order?) but he can't get in there.

He accepts your invitations and it starts well and then ...

25 keeps quoting something about constant wondering is constant suffering. That makes so much sense. You have to let go of the need to know why. Stop thinking you will fix something in you and he will come back.

Mine does not communicate with me directly. He does it through the kids or through money. He sends me business emails and then drops the subject as soon as I respond. He still has stuff here. He is circling back in again. It is very annoying. It is annoying because I don't care anymore. I don't need him and I don't want him.

There is no point in your D telling him how she feels, just like there is no point in you telling him the same.

I think for you N/C for a prolonged period of time would be very helpful. I think it would help you detach, it would help with your anger, I think it would help with your need to know why, and I think he needs the silence.

Of course if he contacted you, I would respond in a non-emotional way. D is a big girl. She gets to make her own choices. Sounds like she has a lot going on with bio dad in the picture. Maybe that will soften her feelings for the man that was there for her. If she could forgive one, it stands to reason she can forgive the other.

I still think there is so much hope for you and for him. But for your own pain and so you don't snap at him again, I think you need a big break and a lot of self care. For me, stepping back and finding the interior me again has been a huge help in letting go.

[Sotto]

Hi Coly, I think OwnIt is right on the money with her advice to you. There is a repeating cycle in your situation, and it is good to recognise that and change it up if it isn't working for you.

I could list many reasons I have read on this forum for a mid life spouse leaving a marriage. They range from - you bought the wrong flavour of crisps to you didn't dress provocatively enough...etc.

But the real reason is the MLCer came to feel hollow, empty within themselves and believed you must be the cause. Of course you aren't....it is more about their coping skills and believing that another person will 'make' them happy.

It strikes me that you may be in the bargaining stage of grief - if only I could....then he would...and we could...

But actually, there may be nothing you can do for your situation with him right now - other than let him follow the path he seems to need to follow..

Xx

[AndrewP]

Trouble is, is that although I am examining my life and the things I could change about myself I am literally working in the dark. I have no clue what drove him away because he won't tell me so I don't know what changes I am supposed to be showing him

Good Morning Coly! - Well - it's early morning here.

This bit stood out for me. When faced with an unsolvable problem one thing I will do is "turn it upside down". Instead of trying looking at the issue from the point of view that you don't have any information on, perhaps look at what you "do" know. If you look at yourself in the mirror, do you like that person? Is she, while not perfect, doing a pretty good job and is she the best person she can be given the circumstances?

One thing a loooong time ago that I got in to trouble here for was stating that I quite liked me and that if my W didn't, well that was just too bad. I personally don't think that we should change who we are just to be "attractive" to someone else. That's being fake in my mind. If someone doesn't like me as I am I can live with that. I believe that we should just try to accept people as they are. Don't try to change them, don't try to be something we're not and to also recognize that people do change over time.

One thing that I think that nobody will argue with is that people who are comfortable in their own skin are by their very nature attractive. So just because my W at one point mentioned that she was disappointed that I didn't like to watch sports (the guy she was seeing liked sports), I didn't become a sports fan. That isn't me. He also gave her discount pricing on yogurt - I can't do that either

I'm in a very different place than you are right now so keep that in mind when you read my advice. I used to give a lot of thought to the question of if there was anything that I could have done that could have changed the outcome. I think that my own STBX said it well when she said It's all on me.

So - maybe look at things differently as hard as that is. A lighthouse doesn't run all over the island looking for sailors to save. They stand tall on a solid foundation and they SHINE.

(((Coly23)))

[Ginger1]

Exactly what Andrew said. First of all, it is not necessarily anything you did. It's him, not you.

You need to become happy with who you are. not change yourself to fit into the mold of what your ex wants. You can be completely ok with yourself, a wonderful person, and still not be "right" for someone else.

I took lessons from this about myself without changing who I am to fit into someone else's mold. I can be passive aggressive because I am afraid to be direct sometimes. I let my resentment get the best of me until I blew up about something. I have worked on that. I used to be very steadfast on my opinions and morals but now I take a real effort to see the other side of an argument.

Those changes I made above are for ME. Not so I could fit into someone else's mold.

He told you this nothing that you have done. And why would you want to give up gardening? It's something you love, and you shouldn't have to give it up to keep your H.

Sotto is right, you are in bargaining now. And the acceptance is the painful part. Acceptance that you cannot make him communicate. Acceptance he is not going to be who you want him to be. Because you feel like it is a reflection of you. It's time to really drop the rope. To stop trying to get him to commit to communicating or expecting him do anything "husbandly" like helping you around the house. You are keeping this string attached. He needs to go find his own way, and you, your own.

[peacetoday]

Coly

You have been given really good advice and my thoughts are the same as the others

If MLC is real it has to be in them -not us
if its about their unresolved childhood..that is deep and long ago- and we have no control over what happened to them or their lack of willingness to look at/fix themselves
and there is nothing . we can do to make them happy or fix this

I think you know that-

If you need space and time , take it
If you can't see him right now..trust that
do what you can to allow your pain and despair,,feel it ..release it -cry-journel
work on healing you-
sometimes that is all we can do and if the R with your H is meant to continue you can pick it up later with whatever strategy empowers you.
.If you are sick and can't be there for him anymore..allow it-trust it
your instincts are talking to you

figure out what is best for you right now and follow that-