WW in EA, NC w/OM(?), W's BFF interfering, part 7

[hoosjim]

You know it's weird. I almost dont know what to do now.

In some ways, my body, brain, and emotions have been on heightened alert for months, now, knowing or at least fearing that my W was still actively engaged in an A with OM. For the past several weeks, say maybe two or three months, I personally have been in somewhat of a better place, convinced that, one way or the other, I would be okay no matter which way my W ultimately turned. But, still, there was, i would say by necessity, a part of me that obviously preferred to have her back as opposed to having her leave, all else being equal. And that part of me continued to struggle with the possibility that and conduct business as if the affair was ongoing.

Now that it genuinely appears to be over... It's like I've been on an adrenaline rush for 8 months and now its gone. I don't want to say I am directionless, but... the "fight or flight" overlay is definitely gone. Much more contemplative now.

And it definitely highlights how the end of an affair does NOT mean an instant reconcilliation or return to happiness. With the end of the affair, I have been "freed" in some ways to more fully contemplate the rest of my life with this woman who betrayed me (and, yes, whom I hurt so badly prior to that betrayal). It makes for some awkward moments and feelings, and I can definitely see now what my wife means when she talks about some things (such as intimate touch) seeming weird or awkward.

I definitely have some "blue" moments... particularly when I try to contemplate where I (and we) are going... and I do in fact get a little thrill or energy boost when she calls me (she called me four times today from work and afterward), and I know that I do in fact still love her but... it's different. I still think our best hope for the greatest happiness will be together, with our family intact, having the kind of fun we have been having recently when we are together but... Ugh. So hard. Still so much work to do. And I am not even really sure where to start. I can see why some folks just throw in the towel, or otherwise cant make it work.