Leah, part 6

[leahsue]

Ownit, you are right. I had a great IC session this morning, and she advised the same thing.

I want some financial security, which is on of the main reasons I had planned to just file. That, coupled with my disinterest in moving back into the world I left up north.

I've been hesitant to see this attorney again (not the quack, but the one who comes highly recommended, that I met with in January). I felt like I had two choices about the upcoming appointment with him. Either go in there and ask him to file, or postpone the appointment again. But truth be told, when I met with him in January, I was such an open wound that I honestly do not remember much of what he even said. I took no notes, cried the whole time, and paid him $450.

Now that I'm thinking MUCH clearer, I think it may be worth the $ to meet with him again, have a list of my proposed items prepared, take good notes, ask his opinion of what he thinks I can ask for, find out what his retainer will be (which they can't tell me over the phone without going over my case first), and see if there is anything I can legally do to lock down some of these finances without actually filing for divorce yet.

The little bit I DO remember from our first appointment, I THINK I remember him telling me that, at least in AL, it's either keep doing what I'm doing, or file. No middle ground, legal separation, etc.

Probably for my own peace of mind, that will be my best option right now. I guess I've hesitated doing that, since I already DID that, and came away with nothing. But again, I was half alive at the time of that appointment. It's a wonder I even was able to drive to his office that day. I felt like I was losing my mind.

My IC was telling me today that she wishes I could see myself now, compared to my first visit to see her. She thinks I'm not being easy enough on myself, because I can only see how I feel right now, not how far I've come in healing.

SO, I'm going to cut myself some slack and be proud of the fact that I AM healing. All these crazy emotions: anger, sadness, grief, tears, fear..... are all necessary in the climb back up. This is no small "bump in the road of marriage" that we've all been through. This is complete, utter devastation and blow up of a life you thought you had. Healing from that is going to take much longer.