Pool lessons

[Zues126]

Holy smokes what a set! I got there, 11-7. Panting a little.

He had me down 3-1, then I hit a super sick gear and won 8 out of 10 to get him down 9-5. He was muttering things like "This can't be happening" and that just pumped me up, I think that is a sign of weakness and it is gas on the fire. Then at 9-5 I was the one that got a little weak, there was part of me that just wanted it to be over. That spells disaster, and sure enough I let him creep back in to 9-7 due to a few mistakes and him taking advantage. I know he's a champion and is looking for any crack in the door. Now I put myself in a spot where it was a real crap shoot.

We took our break and I decided that win or lose I wanted to get out of this "I want it to be over" mindset. I just wanted to sit with the pressure and be friends with it. That's why I came out here after all. I want to experience it fully, and be really present.

Well, I got a chance at 9-7 and it was a triple tough opportunity. I'll spare the play by play but I absolutely came with my best game and ran the two racks out from there. Boom. It feels good, not just to win but to let go of the weakness inside of me and dive back into the fire giving myself a chance.

My next match is in 5 hours. I play the winner of two East Coast tournament players that both have some titles and lots of experience. It will be a 2K match and it's hard not to go back to that "just let me limp through this one and the money" mindset. I have no idea how it will go, whether I'll succumb to that, whether I'll rise up, and whether that will be enough to overcome my adversaries. But in the end I don't care. Even though it's hard for me to handle the heat sometimes I just keep telling myself to steer back into it, to savor the pressure. I definitely got what I signed up for.

Thank you all for letting me talk about it here. I'm not asking for a cheering squad, mostly I just like to put my thoughts on paper and get it out. But ok, a little support doesn't hurt

G, I'll check out Scott Simonetti when I'm done with the tournament. Don't need to put more crap in my head just yet, it's already got enough of a barrage going on. But yeah, enjoying what I have isn't always easy. Honestly it's something I learned from my divorce. Appreciation for what we have.

Jelly, thank you. It is good to be back. First serious pro tournament since BD and I sometimes forget how deeply important it is to me to walk into the fire. I'm really grateful for the opportunity, it does make me feel like I'm home again.

kml, you bring up a good point. I've heard of beta blockers and to be honest I'm not even sure if they're legal or not in competition, or how wide spread they are. Funny, that's something you'd think I would know. I'm also not sure if they'd help me or not. It's quite possible they could. It's also possible that they wouldn't, that the nerves I have give me the edge I need. Sure, I choke sometimes, but I also dig deep because I'm fighting for me life out there. Last set I played at a level I don't play at locally that I forget I'm capable of playing at. So pressure to me may be like spinach to Popeye.

Strategically it would make sense to experiment with them, but I'm really reluctant to do so. I guess it stems from the question "what is the purpose of competition?" If the purpose is to win money I wouldn't be playing. If the purpose was for fame I wouldn't be playing. Now if the purpose is to get the best results possible and beta blockers could help, then it would definitely make sense to use them. But if the true meaning of competition for me is to test myself mentally as well as physically, to face my demons head on, to walk through the fire and not flinch...well, then I'd be losing my opportunity to test myself in this way. My dad was a rock climber and he's talked about climbing aids, and how for him using certain aids was like bringing a step ladder or taking a helicopter ride to the top of a peak. So it really comes down to what the purpose of the competition is for me.

I'm not dead against it, this is something I'm sure I'll ponder more. But my gut is telling me that the pressure and my fear are challenges that are profoundly important to me, and I'm not sure I want to lose that.

I've posted this before but it's funny, my IC told me once before BD that "my life is run by fear". I scoffed and told him that was ridiculous, that I was in a scary sales role where I was constantly out of my comfort zone, that I continuously put myself into difficult competitions that scared me to the core. I made it clear that I make it a point to put myself out there whenever I can. He calmly explained "I didn't say you ran from the fear. I said your life is run by fear. You seem to want to defeat something inside of yourself, and since you can't beat if for good you have to keep recreating difficult situations that allow you to show it you're not going to be scared off." He had me there. Maybe this explains why I'm hesitant to 'take the edge off'.

OK, enough, enough. Time to relax and unwind (ha). Whatever happens I'm glad I've reconciled with my pool life and I get to have these experiences. Thank you all again, you guys are the best.