Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[Pax_luv]

Gordie,
Been following along and I'm a bit late in posting....
You are going through one heck of a storm. kudos to you for being able to stand on your two feet and find hidden strength through this nonsense. Congrats on knowing that it was time to take off the ring and I'm glad you had a good weekend with the kids.


Team Gordie all the way!

[AndrewP]

Gordie - Just checking in on you. It's probably been a tough week.

If you need to vent there are people around to listen.

[Gordie]

Butterfly, 25, Pax and Andrew,

Thanks for all of your suggestions and encouragement. Yes, this has been a rough week, one of the tougher ones of this journey but knowing I am not alone really does help.

Journaling:

W gave me a rare call at work which I pickup because she usually only does that if there is something urgent with the kids. She just called to chat and say hi. I was friendly but kept it short.

We had the hopefully final round of d negotiation. I was anxious but two friends IRL helped me prepare. One asked what are you afraid of? That was a great question. The other helped me prioritize goals. In the end I got what was most important and traded off some points that were important to her. Like a good negotiation, neither party got all of what they wanted but it’s fair enough for both of us to sign.

Side points:

W fluctuated between friendly and mean and teary and touchy. W started gaslighting in the middle and I stayed calm and said I would not address these accusations. She said they’re not accusations. They’re facts. But I refused to get side tracked.

W kept gushing about OM2 and how much she wants me to meet him and how we will all be friends. W said i won’t be paying alimony for long because she is going to get remarried soon. Amazing how she has already moved from OM1 to OM2 and she’s already talking remarriage.

W said she knows how hard this is for me and I want you to know that I really do love you and that I am here for you if you want to talk. She kept saying I want us to be friends.

[25yearsmlc]

I cannot wait for you to be on the other side of this self esteem breaking nightmare.

I'm skooching over to make room on the bench here, where the sane people sit.

[job]

Gordie,

I am so sorry that she's still living the fantasy life. You've been doing exceptionally well holding it together w/all that has been going on. Your self esteem has taken a huge hit and I want you to know that what comes out of her mouth is only her perception. What I sense when I read your postings is that you are a great guy, your are sensitive and caring and want to do the right things for your family. Your w, on the other hand, is way out in left field and thinks that things will be okay and everyone will live happily ever after once the divorce takes place. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way.

Bottom, line, this is a business deal that has gone "south". I know you are hurting, but you've got to take care of yourself and be the sane parent to your children. Right now, things look murky to you because of the emotions and all of the divorce stuff...but give it some time and allow the dust to settle after the negotiations are finalized and the divorce takes place. There is life after all of this mess and I think, you will discover a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders when the ink dries.

BTW, I don't advocate divorce, but there are times when it needs to happen in order for the fog of despair and confusion to life in order for you to see that everything will be okay...it just takes time.

Sending you positive thoughts.

[roist]

Finalise and sign off the paperwork
Plan the separation
Inform children.

Hard as these final negotiations are, I imagine once the children are bought into the loop, that may well be tougher. It's probably a bit late but is there a clause in D about neither of ye introducing kids to OP for a period of at least six months?

Get out of that friend zone asap. Especially before you are asked to be best man or even to walk her down the aisle!!!


Great work not reacting to her by the way. Well done. Glad the agreement seems fair to you.Small consolation but still.

Your W is hooked on you being friends. I don't think that is healthy for you. I honestly think you need as little to do with her as possible.Apart from being good for you, it will be a blemish on the smooth perfect plan that W sees as reality. The kids will add more. Eventually these will add up and her perception of how it would turn out is nothing like what she actually gets.

Her latest revelations are laughable, well would be if you weren't the collateral damage. Stay strong.
Focus on what you need to do. Forget about long term plans. Take this day by day and hour by hour. Do what you need to get through and be a rock for your children. Then rebuild, improve and THRIVE

Best wishes

[AndrewP]

Gordie - this is going to sound a bit cynical but perhaps I am. It seems that you've got some great IRL support happening to which is fabulous.

I would suggest that while not obviously agreeing with her fantasy of "we'll all be friends" to not pop that bubble right now.

We've all seen stories about how they can flip from marvelous to monster in a heartbeat.

Get the deal done and get the best one you can for yourself and your kids. It may seem less than honest but let her live with the fairies for now. Truth darts can wait until after that document is signed. Negotiating with the Princess of Fairy Land is much easier than the Monster from the Black Lagoon. Just make sure that you protect yourself, your children and your future. If she's willing to agree to termination clauses on re-marriage or even co-habitation, take them and be grateful. I negotiated a lower separation amount for a fixed period but without termination clauses.

Also - expect her world to fall apart and that you will need to be there for the kids. It might not. We don't know. But your kids need to be kept safe.

It's not very "DB" but the attitude that helped me was to not focus on what was "fair" but rather on what it would take to get a deal done that I could swallow. Also try to think about how the deal can be pitched so that it looks positive to her. Don't have anything that looks punitive.

Stay strong. You can do this.

[OwnIt]

Yes Gordie, please get the agreement now. I really wish I had an agreement. It isn't for lack of trying, but their moods do tend to shift rather quickly.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I promise you once she is not living there anymore it will be much easier.

[CaliGuy]

Gordie

This ... MLC thing ... well in a word it just stinks. I have a group of buddies I have connected with whom all have gone through this. We are all at various stages but atleast 2-3 years post BD, there are a couple who are still with the MLCr, a few who like me are still going through a long drawn out process, and a few who were divorced very quickly.

Obviously my involvement with this site I am not one for divorce, in fact it is for this reason I am still going through the process 4+ years post BD. (along with a MLCr who yelled from the rooftops she wanted D but never really acted on it) Anyways, my point is that I actually think the ones who quickly divorce heal and get back into a better life much faster than those of us who have been swimming in the limbo muck. In retrospect I have few regrets but this is one area I which I would have acted a bit more swiftly tbh, but we all are where we should be and we progress at different paces .... as does our MLCrs.

The fact your MLCr is talking remarriage and all about you meeting OM2 just illustrates how gone she is. She has yet to meet the dude .... which really just adds to that fantasy she has built up in her head. I would imagine she will continue to chase 'happiness' in various forms for quite sometime. Replay, is hands down, the hardest of all the phases I have experienced.

As far as being or not being her friend in all this, I have mentioned before ... for me.. not possible, not only do I not keep friends who lie and cheat, I honestly could not be a friend to my MLCr as I was to vested and biased for my own personal gain (or in this case loss). I had to go about as NC as one can with children for my own sanity and healing, I have finally arrived at the point talking to her is like talking to a co-worker I do not really care for ... I keep it professional and short and go about my day.

Hang in there, it does not go away but it does get better.

[Sotto]

Oh my goodness Gordie, I SMH when I read some of the stuff your W is saying. She is pretty deep in the swamp for sure. I agree with others that I wouldn't get yourself into friend zone and equally I would get things signed, sealed and sorted. She may well not be as amenable if/when things go south.

I find it incredible to be blissfully planning to traipse down the aisle and I want to give her a good shake and shout - have you learned nothing???!!!

This is a rough time and my heart goes out to you. Equally, foundations are being built for a life going forwards - yours: solid - hers: shaky. She just doesn't know that yet..

Stay strong Gordie and know that we've been there and we are all out here for you..

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