Any Advice 3

[Btrow]

FTR, I wish people who want to expose A's to 3rd parties, to "show them the consequences", could see how counter productive it is if the goal is reconciliation.

or if the goal is a good co-parenting relationship...this post of yours is a good example of how it backfires.

25, some of the sites that advocate exposure, does that to help end the affair (Apparently a lot of affairs die upon exposure). Not for consequenses. After all, the end of the affair is the first step that has to be taken in order to R, isn't it?

And IMHO, if a parent want to have a good co-parenting relationship, I'm sure the best way to have that, is to leave your M with no affair?

Yeah yeah I know, it is gw5263 that is here, not the W...

[leahsue]

The affair may statistically die upon exposure, but if the wounded party is the one who EXPOSES, for whatever motivation, I can see this as very damaging for possible R. It would be a deal breaker for me, anyway, if I were in an affair, and my partner "exposed" it to the public.

Just being honest here.

[fade]

Hi GW - I havent posted to you but followed your story for a while.

It sure does stink that you are facing all of the consequences of this fiasco your WW created - not only your family and emotions, but now your finances and career are affected.

Take it for what its worth, but what's done is done and you obviously know you have to fix some of this mess even though it isnt fair. But what you dont need to do is continue to let her cause all of this distraction and destruction, like directing her anger about her lovers spat at you. You are so mired in this drama on an hour to hour basis. I have some experience in this and have seen this very situation go on for decades. I think if you can step back and observe the situation clearly, you will understand that none of this soap opera dialog matters and nothing is going change because you are watching it.

I really hope that you can truly detach from this nonsense and regroup for you and your kids. I am worried about your motivation for focusing only on the bankruptcy before any consideration of divorce (or any consequences for her, really). And also your concern over your WW's finances should you separate. That's really not your concern. I dont know enough obviously to know what is best in your situation, but whichever way this goes -divorce or reconciliation- you should understand that you are best served by being in the strongest possible position in terms of kids, finances and emotional health. I suggest that you focus on making sure that you are not willingly doing anything to facilitate your WW continuing in the status quo, nor doing anything to soften her landing from her own choices if it is at your expense.

I have yet to work with a guy that looked back and wished they had waited longer, or had been nicer to their WW in their divorce.

[25yearsmlc]

Not to quibble

but 1) exposure to 3rd parties is not advocated by MWD and she has good research to back her up

AND

2) I swear I've never seen it bring back a spouse, to stay.

It's a form of shaming and I don't know how that would work in the long run.\

Definitely a deal breaker for me b/c

If I had an affair (speaking for ME) I'd either have justified it in some way-

OR it would have been a temporary weakness or temptation i gave into.

Neither would be helped by my h exposing it. I'd feel cornered and I'm pretty confident I would file.

[AnotherStander]

I don’t mean to hurt you by saying this, but other than friendship, I feel dead inside.There is no coming back from that. - WW

From what? - Me

Being dead inside.-WW

I didn't realize it was that bad. I'm sorry. - Me
I'm sorry it has come to this too. - WW

Interesting. Little does she know (yet) that you are not the reason for that feeling, sounds like she's experiencing depression. Has she ever been diagnosed with it in the past? It's possible she's experiencing it for the first time and wrongly attributing it to you and the marriage. At 46 she could be in the beginning stages of menopause too, it affects different women in different ways but some go into depression. And some just decide they're done being a wife and mother and they want to try something else for a change. Just a quick warning- in my XW's case she never changed back to who she was before. Whatever happened to her when she went through menopause, it became permanent. She is a substantially different person now.

It's not about him, He is not winning. It is not a Contest -WW

What a peculiar thing for her to say. Sounds like she's trying to convince HERSELF of that.

[sandi2]

Unless I missed something, I don't understand why the subject of exposure has risen again. GW talked to the OM's W before he came to the board. Although he did consider exposure at one time, he changed his mind. GW has not said he was considering it again.......he just said he wished he had been emotionally stronger and had taken a harder line when he first knew about the A.

I can only speculate, but it sounds as if WW and OM are having significant issues and may possibly be breaking up, and she is blaming me for it. I plan on spending as much time out of the house and away from her as possible during this time. She seems to have fixated her anger on me for some reason, possibly blaming me for the breakup.

Staying out of her way and not mentioning the MR, OM, OM'W, etc, is a good idea. Let them have their spat......and don't give in to the temptation to rescue her when she shows signs of being hurt by OM. What I mean is don't sympathize, cater, or discuss the A.

And....don't take a breakup (if it happens) to mean the problems have been fixed. If she sees too much glee from you, she may misinterpret and feel that she must pull away from you even more so....in order for you not to think she will! bounce back into the MR.

Continue to shine brightly as the new man you are learning to become. .

[gw5263]

Thanks everyone. Still have the question about the two statements.

"The state of mind I'm in " "the place that I am" and "I feel dead inside. There is no oming back from that" Is this just WW script of is it something to be genuinely concerned with from a mental health stand point? Her mother is bipolar and suffers from depression, is on a boat load of meds. Does this need professional intervention?

[TBSakaJ9]

GW.....I am not a professional but I can talk to you from my experience with my W. She has been on depression meds ever since I have known her and her mother is a hot mess. She is on about everything a Dr could prescribe. IMO, yes professional is help is needed probably from an IC and probably a lot more.

The thing is I feel the same way about my W...not saying she was unhappy with me but from what I have contributed to our downfall I will own about 10 to 15%. That said I can't force my W to get any help and only she can recognize she needs it.

It is something I can't control so truthfully I don't worry about. Either something happens and she is realizes it or she doesn't. My W often in our relationship indicated she felt flat emtionally. Not necessarily dead inside but it was probably something similiar.

I am sorry you are in this situation. It is truely a helpless feeling but there is nothing we can do. Again IMO.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks everyone. Still have the question about the two statements.

"The state of mind I'm in " "the place that I am" and "I feel dead inside. There is no oming back from that" Is this just WW script of is it something to be genuinely concerned with from a mental health stand point? Her mother is bipolar and suffers from depression, is on a boat load of meds. Does this need professional intervention?

to me, the question is NOT about her state of mind or whether she's in a depression.

It's about what YOU will accept in your life. How you want to raise your kids and live your life.

it's not about what is in her mind or heart. Her behavior is outrageous even by WW's standards. Guessing about the causes of this, seems to be more about your analysis of whether she'll come back to you.

Unless you believe she is a threat to herself (no hyperbole here, just a disclaimer)

her headspace has no room for you. Get out of your head.

IMO, you must, MUST get back to yourself, and if you think that means giving up, think again.

I'm sorry to give you a 2 x 4 here, but when you revolve your life around your w, you don't bring all that much to the table. So for your sake, (regardless of your w's choices)

and for your children's sake and for the possibility of a recon,

Become the man she fell in love with - but not FOR her, - for you.

LIVE WELL

[25yearsmlc]

*get out of HER head

and focus on yourself. You will go nuts otherwise, and that does not help your cause

and it does not help your kids

and you will slow down your progress every time you stare at her wondering what SHE will do next

or how she can do X or Y.

In case you don't know - believe me, I spent nearly 2 years wondering things, asking myself questions that truly have no good answer.

There are no satisfactory answers to WHY she's doing whatever she's doing.

I wish you could see that - because I learned it the hard way. And I wasted a ton of time asking those questions.

Wish I'd gotten back to my life sooner.