I am a silent follower, but I feel compelled to say something.
I have never cheated. I actually never have been tempted even though my ex was such a douche. I mean a real douche. However.....
My exH was my friend's boyfriend. I was in essence the "OW" We were 18, it is a long story.... but me and that friend are actually very good friends to this day.
I carried/carry the worst guilt inside of me for what I did. To this day, at 37 years old. even with the forgiveness. I feel like everything that has happened to me since then and continues to happen is because of what I did. And I feel I deserve it. I explore this often in IC. My IC is really working with me to stop this thought.
We explored why it happened. The circumstances surrounding it. I was 18, my dad left my mom, my mom resented me, she went back to using drugs, my dad moved out and he was my everything and kept me alive all these years. I was out on my own due to my mother's drug habit, I was struggling in college.... I was abandoned and completely alone. I was scared. He paid me attention, he gave me a false sense of security and I fell for it. I was so desperate and scared, I knew I was hurting my friend, but being with him was giving me almost the only reason for living at that time.
For the longest time, I felt like they were a bunch of excuses. My IC assures me it was me trying to keep myself alive. I was trying to survive. And she was right, and I hate that it was at my friend's expense.
I say this because #1- I can actually see where the temptation in if you feel so depressed and hopeless and there is one thing that makes you feel good. I do understand how affairs can happen in certain situations. I am not saying they are right, but I can understand where they can happen. #2 I would suggest you don't cross the line because I can tell you are a loving sensitive person, and you will feel the guilt. Even though "you ex did it too" the guilt is real, and for me it is awful. I don't want you to have to add that to your plate.
After divorce, a higher power has been testing me. With married men. Two of them were friends of friends whom I had known. One was so far out of my league, he was a running joke amongst a group of married friends on which friend would they sleep with. it was him for the girls and his wife for the guys. I was newly divorced. Imagine this guy reaches out to me and says he has always been attracted to me and had a crush on me? It was tempting. I am not going to lie. Mind you, I am as single as they come, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to live with that or inflict the same pain on anyone else that was inflicted on me. I did kiss some random married stranger once when I was drunk. I remembered he was married when we were kissing and I put a halt to it immediately. I felt awful.
While it probably feels like a cool drink of water in a very dry and hot desert, the guilt that comes later is just awful. But yes, I can see how it can happen.
I do see one huge positive coming from this for you. I know you struggle with what your ex did everyday of your life and you stay. Understading how it could possibly happen may help you move past that a bit.
