still struggling

[Jim1234]

Stander, I really appreciate your time and comments. I've taken a long time to think about them before responding.

I did it in the most validating, non-threatening, calmest manner I could.

Validating is LISTENING first and then validating her feelings. I would like to hear you describe how you were validating in this conversation, because I suspect you don't understand what validation is. A lot of people here misunderstand validation. And validation is in my opinion one of your most important tools if not the most important one. So understanding what it is and how it works is critical.

I understand validation to be listening to her point of view, and acknowledging that her point of view is valid. The piece that I think I might have been missing is that my point of view doesn't matter at this point. Maybe when she is willing to work on our marriage, but not now. Until she is willing to work on the marriage, her point of view is all that matters. And 25 opened my eyes that I was only waiting for her to pause so I could tell her MY point of view. Hopefully I'll do better in the future.

It sounds like you've painted her into a corner. She can't make good on the agreement unless the D goes through which would give her the assets to fulfill the agreement, but you're trying to block the D from going through thus denying her the very assets she needs to fulfill the agreement. Basically you're putting her in a situation where she CAN'T fulfill the terms, then you're sending her harassing messages that if she doesn't then you'll be left with "no choice" but to rain hell on her. And then you keep saying it's "just business" and you have to "protect your interests". Do you think that makes her feel better?

I can see where she thinks this, and yes, she is in a corner, but I think this is revisionist thinking on her part. I didn't put her in this corner; she did. And that's kind of what is so hard for me to wrap my head around.

I feel I was incredibly supportive, kind, thoughtful, loving.... I mean, who else buys a house with their ex because they can't do it on their own? I am not blocking or obstructing her from this divorce in any way. All I'm doing is simply waiting for her to move the divorce along. She hasn't done [censored], but now I'm the bad guy because she hasn't refinanced.

And I know that none of the above matters if I want to save this marriage, but I am having a hard time with it. And I should have discussed the house thing differently

I am full of so many conflicting ideas that I don't really know which way is up. "Maybe I should let the deadline slide,
but maybe I should do a 180 by taking the house and selling it. Let's face it, following my instincts resulted in my wife leaving. Maybe I should do something different. If she asked for 80% of our marital assets in the divorce, I should stand up for myself and say hell no. If she expects me to continue to own half a house I don't want, I should stop protecting her from herself. Am I being mister nice guy buy letting the deadline slide or will being tougher bring better results." Ad nauseum.

Part of my issue is that I don't see how I look after my emotional and financial interests in a divorce, but still entice her to return.

But as you say at the end, I need to think, Is what I am about to say to W getting me closer to my goals, or pushing me farther away?

p.s. she would say part of the reason for the divorce was issuing ultimatums.

"Ultimatum- a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations." ....
That's an ultimatum.

You're right. That's the epiphany that may save my marriage.

Jim, it's time for you to reevaluate. Take stock of your situation and decide where you want to go from here. Do you want to save your M? If so, then that should shape everything you say and do. Before saying ANYTHING to your wife, ask yourself this question:

Is what I am about to say to W getting me closer to my goals, or pushing me farther away?

Again, thank you for your time and insights.