Don't want to be a wayward wife ...

[sandi2]

So, the OM (is that what I call him?) continues to pay me a lot of attention.

Is this a coworker or someone you see daily\weekly? Seeing him on some type of regular basis can become unhealthy, b\c you can begin to create a fantasy about you and this OM. Some people may not believe fantasies are serious, but that's the beginning of an EA. I am talking about one that grows and begins taking up head space and taking away from the R with your H. Your H cannot compete with your fantasy, much like you may not be able to compete with playboy bunnies (or maybe you can, but you get my point).

If you see him daily, I suggest you put as much space between you as possible. The more you are around him, the more familiar and comfortable you become with each other.

It's confusing because even as I write that, I recognize that I sound as if it is happening to me. I don't want to be a victim, I want to be in control.

But you won't be in control if you continue to think you are simply enjoying basking in the ego food. No, you aren't planning to have an affair. I did not plan to gain weight, either, but I continued going back to the table. Same thing is happening here, you are hungry and going back for seconds.

I hope you caught Coconut's message about how easier it gets when the guilt stops. The danger you face at the moment is your resentment, hurt, (maybe disrespect) toward your H.....can easily turn into self justification. Your subconscious will say, "Why shouldn't I enjoy another man's attention, when I have not had it from my own H?". Then you will begin justifying other actions and first thing you know....your moral standards are being compromised a little. That is the danger.

I won't say you are a victim, b\c victims don't have much choice. You do have choices in this area. You aren't a victim, but you are vulnerable. So was I. I didn't get up one morning and decide to become involved with another man. It started when I received attention after years of no intimacy or "attention" from my H. Although my H did not have an A, I was hurt, had resentment, and felt disrespect for him. So, I was vulnerable, and any flirtations or male attention I would have completely had control over in the past.....was not so true at that current time in my life.

But, do I like the attention? Yes. Do I flirt back? Yes. Does H have any idea? No. ... The biggest question: is this wrong?

We like the attention and flirting if it comes from a man we find attractive. If he repulsed you.....you would handle it much differently. You want to know if it is wrong. Are you trying to hide it? Does this interaction take place in front of people that know you, or do you feel the need to keep it private?

When some guy we hardly know gets a little flirty, it may make our day and we think, "Hey, I've still got it!" We smile and walk away. At least we should. It's when we continue to engage, that can cause problems. Besides, most of us don't want to see our H's showing the same type of attention to another woman.

Maybe. Or maybe I am in denial? Maybe this is very wrong and this is how it begins .... I can't tell actually.

Yes, it's how affairs begin. The fact that you seem confused, IMHO, is your inner warning signal to walk away and stop engaging or encouraging it. I hope you won't take those words offensively, I don't think you are a woman who goes around trying to get men's attention.

I like how it makes me feel. I feel excited, attractive, and alive. I have these boundaries that I have created in my mind that I won't cross, but at times they feel blurry. This is a totally new and unexpected place to be.

I once read that the first time a person takes cocaine they are instantly hooked. IDK if that is true and I've never tried it. Unfortunately, I am familiar with the feelings you are describing about the interactions with this OM. And, Blue, those boundary lines will become more and more blurred the longer you allow this to continue. I would not classify you as a wayward wife. I think you are responding to something you haven't had in some time. As I explained above, you are not experiencing something that unusual. But you are dangerously close to the fire, and I want to encourage you to not poke it. You and those you love will get burned. Don't deceive yourself into believing it is just flirting and won't hurt anyone. You are already questioning yourself.

You guys can 2*4 all you want, but I don't know that it will change much here. I think this reads worse than it is. Strange as it may sound, I think this could be a good thing for my M in the long run.

I say this with tender concern, Blue, it kind of sounds as if you are smoothing it over. You were brave enough to bring this on board, so I hope you won't convince yourself it means nothing, and therefore, continue to engage. Many LBS have rebound experiences with other people, and you can stop this before it goes any further.

((Hugs))