Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 3)

[sandi2]

You may not see any similarity in your W with the one I write about below. I don't know if your W has always had these tenencies or not, but if she has....it may take more than you are prepared to do, before there is a positive change, if ever. Tiptoeing around her anger is not a solution for a long term relationship.

I have known a woman who has always used her anger\temper to control those closest to her. She learned how to manipulate adults at a very young age, and she was hateful and a bully to all the other children. I was a teenager at the time, and I had a front row seat to observe her behavior, and I saw things that simply floored me. When she became a teen, her behavior grew worse. She didn't get into drugs, or trouble with the law, or any thing of that nature, she just had a larger sense of entitlement, more demanding, and used her anger to control her parents, grandparents, etc.

She has been M four times, so far......and is the biggest b'tch I have ever had the displeasure of knowing. She has never had friends, b\c nobody can stand to be around her. I have always said her family ruined her when she was small. She was the only child and only grandchild and they allowed her to say terrible things to them and others, throw tantrums, scream threats, etc. They gave in to her demands, almost every time. She was never disciplined, and if one parent tried, then a grandparent stepped in and prevented it. Nobody could stand her as a kid or as an adult. Sadly, nobody could stand to live with her, either. To this day, she has not improved herself. She still wants to control those who come into her life. She puts her wants and needs above her children and her husband. She still has no friends, and her parents and GP's are deceased.

Knowing the family she was born into, I don't know if she would have had much of a chance when she was a child. They were not bad people, but they did not do this child service by treating her like royalty.

As an adult, I think we can evaluate ourselves to see why people don't want to be around us and be our friend.....and why we act so ugly to our family. I see where her life could have been so much better if she would have just stopped the selfish and controlling ways.

This seemed to be a case where the W already has the format for being a wayward W. In other words, she appeared to be wayward before she ever M the first H (who was a very nice guy). By having the format, I mean she already had the selfish nature; resented anyone that crossed her; was already rebellious toward her parents, etc. She uses manipulation, controlling, bullying, and her bad temper as her usual MO. The poor guy that marries this type of woman is just asking for a miserable MR......unless he is not afraid to use tough love when the situation calls for it.

There have been many cases here on the board like this, and adding infidelity to the mix is not a long stretch for her. I have little hope for her, b\c this has been a lifelong behavior. It may be possible for her to change, but I think she would need to want that change more than anything in life. It would take a lot of work and training. She would need a new heart.

Unlike the W who becomes wayward later, as the result of resentment, disrespect and rebellion directed toward her H.....the lifelong wayward (for lack of a better term ATM), does not have a previous positive "self" she can relate to as being the unselfish, giving, respectful, undemanding, truly loving human being. She has little to no positive experience with relationships that she didn't control with her moods. Her manipulation is second nature for her. So, IMHO, she would be tackling lifelong ingrained behaviors that would require more than experiencing remorseful feelings and asking for forgiveness. It would require her to remake herself inside out. Good intentions doesn't cut it, and the reality of just how hard it is to change, comes smacking her in the face very quickly. Can it be done? IDK, quite honestly. I think age might matter.....and how badly she wanted to change. Once the heart has radical change, it helps produce positive actions. However, it takes strong determination to stick to improvements.

I wonder if you love the person you wish your W was, and if it's the idea of losing the entire "family" and home setting scares you more than what reality holds. IDK, but I think everyone I am seeing post to you agrees that what you are currently doing is not going to be enough to change the dynamics of your MR.