I was posting at the same time based on the posts from my last thread, while you guys are posting new ones here; I can't keep up with you people! lol.
25, as always, thank you. I feel like you understand me! My posts are not a cry for help, I am not having any type of A--ea, fantasy, etc--and I would not. Like my title says, I do not want to be a wayward wife! You know what I have learned though? It really can happen to anyone. I didn't quite get that before--and there is so much ugliness and shame around As--but now I actually think it is human nature to have attraction to more than one person. The difference between us all is what we do with those attractions, if and how we act on them, and of course we all have a different moral compass. What one considers very wrong, another may think it not as bad. My thinking was always that I could only be attracted to one person, them to me, and that neither could even think outside of that. Perhaps that unrealistic thinking led to my marital demise ...
I only assumed that posters would have a strong response to my post. I am okay with that--I am a big girl, I can take it. I also know that it brings up feelings for others that have been burned. I have responses to reading threads based on my own history and psychology. Here is the thing--you guys don't know me that well and I have also not shared many details. Are you guys defining flirtation the same way that I am???
This is what I will tell you about myself. I have always been a serial monogamous. I have some abandonment issues and depression from childhood. The nature of my Hs and OWs A and the way it played out could not have affected a person worse. The crushed me and I am still in recovery. It was also the hardest time in my life to have to go through that. So needless to say, my biggest struggle now is with resentment and forgiveness.
As I have taken a step back from Retrouvaille and actively piecing, I have taken a closer look at myself. Coincidentally, or not, this OM noticed. I have not had attention from OM in a long time, but more so, had it been there, I don't think I saw it for what it was. I have been so focused on H and the M and it became the only thing that mattered. That is not healthy or normal! I even went on a couple dates when H and I were separated and I felt nothing, totally numb. So this attention from OM is the first time in a very long time, I have opened my eyes and seen that there actually are other people in the world. We are not only meant to be with one, or statistically we would never find them ....
I am fortunate to have several close GFs to process all this with. I have known my BFF since childhood--and at times I think she knows me better than I know myself--so she is that person that I can tell anything to. I broke it all down, and I mean all the details. You know what? She was more relieved that I was shifting my view on men and Rs than she was concerned that I would have any type of A. I think it was processing with her that helped me to relieve my guilt. Her response was more, yes, you are a woman and women like to feel desired and sexy and this is not a big deal! It is okay to feel attraction and have mild flirtation, and it's normal. The line just needs to be defined and then followed.
In the mean time, I have really taken to the words of Esther Perel--she is like my personal guru! Everything she explains about infidelity--how it happens, why it's so hard to forgive--and the importance of novelty and passion, well it all makes perfect sense to me. She also explains that we don't ask for what we want. You know what I want? I want this type of attention and flirtation from my H! He has never really been that way and also he has his own wall of protection up. At some point I will need to just ask him for what I want.
So I have been thinking a lot, a lot, a lot .... about myself and what I want and need, about As and what they mean, and also about the kind of man my H is and how grateful to have him ...
I want to address all of you, I do, but I have so much to do today. I promise I will come back later ....
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
