Don't want to be a wayward wife ...

[BluWave]

Thanks for all the replies. I am going to back track a bit and reply to the other posters as well.

Leah, what you say makes sense to me! I think it's human nature that if we feel down, or lonely, then positive attention from others feels great! More than that, it becomes vital. When it's from a person that is attracted to you, and if you are attracted to them, it can feel almost electric. I think I can also better understand how As can become addictive. You say there was an adrenaline rush and I imagine that like a little high--like a drug--and so when the fix is over, you can be left wanting it again. It starts to become more about that sensation than the OP or the reality of the sitch. I don't feel that this strongly with this OM, but I can absolutely understand better now how that happens. Attention feels good and we are left wanting more ...

roist, you say you don't have words to help me through, and then you say all of these things and wow, it was awesome! Thank you. You are correct; there is something to be said about H and his commitment to me, even as I have harbored so much resentment and been on the fence about the M. It has been some time now and he is still all in. Thank you for saying it reflects my worth, that means a lot to me. The last few years has taken a giant hit to my self confidence--I mean, how could it not?!? I do think I bring a lot to the table and he sees that too. Something about the dynamic with this OM has helped me to understand that an A can be more about the self (and our core insecurities) and less about the M or the spouse (maybe not all As, but it is definitely possible). This helps me to see that my H was not having an A to attack me, but more so he was running from his life and our M, and having an identity crisis. Esther Perel explains this beautifully. I also agree that my resentment is what holds me back. That is something that I am so, so aware of and want to move through!

Sotto, thank you for that! I really struggle with the forgiveness piece. It is interesting that we are both highly invested in forgiving, but for a different outcome. Reading your post made me think about myself and if I would have the same motivation to forgive H had we not come back together. And you know what? I have blindly assumed that I would not and that I would not need to. Perhaps that is telling about me. He is still the father of my kids, so I should want forgive him regardless. More than this, if we ended up with our M or not, doesn't it behoove us to all personally to forgive? Isn't it a type of poison to the psyche to hold on to anger/hurt/resentment? I wish I could definitively say yes, but I don't know. There is a reason that forgiveness is so hard, and I think ultimately we have these deep seeded self protective mechanisms that we are not even aware of. Oddly tho, the flirtation from this OM has helped me forgive H a little. Why? Because I am forced to see that it has nothing to do with H or my M; I am my own person and it is normal to have attraction to others! I think I lacked that thinking before because I am such a serial monogamous. I think his A hit me so hard because I felt like H was doing this awful thing to me and that OW (a so called friend) was also doing it to me. I can say now that the attraction I have with this OM has nothing to do with H or my M.

To Be Continued ....