Leah, part 6

[25yearsmlc]

Just checking in.

I started a new part time job yesterday- driving for an app called Waitr. I've never done ANYTHING like this, and it was actually great fun. I can pick my hours so that's nice. I'm planning to do it from now until the end of the year, just to have some extra $ for the holidays, and get out of the house. The other drivers are so helpful and nice, and between orders we hang out in a local parking area that's central to everything (and about 200 yards from my house, which is NICE!)

I worked in my brother's cidery/distillery with my older sister to help with a big festival. Never sat down for 6 hours! (Can't believe I almost brought a book. Uh, no, no reading happened).

Yeah, I'm a L and she's a nurse, but we can sling hard cider! Very different and it's part of the new life. So i get it.


Haven't heard from H since he missed the anniversary and storm, with the exception of two texts that we exchanged regarding income tax. They were polite and business-like, only a couple of sentences each way.

If nothing changes inside ME, I'm planning to file when my atty visit comes up on Nov. 6. The M is dead, and TBH, I'm not sure I ever even want to move back up north. The more of a life that I build for myself here, the less I miss the old one. I miss having a H, but I'm not even sure I miss HIM any more. Certainly not the "new" H. I don't even LIKE him.

This ^^ makes me very sad, but it resonates a lot. It is something I have to hammer home b/c I tend to second guess myself if the day is dreary or if I feel at all lonely.

Sheesh. (Not as if being inside the m the past few years wasn't lonely too.) Maybe We need to remind ourselves of that.

H made some political/theological comments I strongly disagreed with. Which surprised me too. And Not presented in a very diplomatic way, either. I literally would not date someone who believed these things - (he did not feel this way when we married.) So once you are married, then they change, then what??

In a weird way, he has given me the opportunity to live my life the way I would have loved to live, with the old him, or the him I thought he was.) But now, without him.



I've cried a lot lately, deep wracking sobs that just come on with no obvious trigger..... but I think that is grief over what I thought my future looked like, rather than sadness at the end of the marriage.

i hear you

Kind of find myself sad more lately. Which is weird b/c I can count on one hand how many times I've really cried hard about this. I stuff it down b/c I think it seems too large.





The further away from it I get, the more I see how much of myself I lost the last few years. I need to get her back. Life just got too easy, and I got lazy and quit trying to work at it. Not just the M, but life in general. I think that starts to make us old before our time.


Amen^^^. Embarrassing at times and almost devastating - but in a way maybe it's good. Aside from what we can embrace, MAYBE it's good to know that if we get another chance, we won't make those mistakes again.



So maybe there's a silver lining to the last year. Who knows?

or maybe we sew that silver lining ourselves? I'm asking.

Today, I'm in a good place. And thankful, oh so thankful, so be here.

((( )))