WW in EA, NC w/OM(?), W's BFF interfering, part 7

[hoosjim]

But your children are old enough to know that OM is bad news.

Yah, I had thought about this. Just something simple along the lines of: "S17, I know you told me you had talked to OM at homecoming, but I wanted you to know that... he and I are no longer friends" OR "...he is no longer a friend of this family" OR "...he and I have had a falling out"... AND "...and he is someone I'd really rather you not be talking to." Can also tell him "You don't have to be rude or obnoxious, but I'd rather you keep clear of him. I have no arguments with his son, however" (S17 and OM's son are both Senior classmates at the HS).

Oh, and FTR, I am reasonably certain... lets say 98%, that OM never "screwed my W" or had other "sexual relations", though he sure as hell tried to, and they sure as hell talked about it, and they sure as hell were otherwise well across "the line" with their relationship. I did manage over time to gather quite a bit of intel on them and am fairly comfortable with that conclusion. Not that that makes him any less of a sleazebag, mind you...

AnotherStander:

Second, ask yourself if your desire to keep S and OM from ever talking is a reasonable one. And third, if you feel it is a reasonable request, then ask yourself is you want S to know everything, because the only way you can reasonably expect him not to talk to OM is if you explain the entire sitch to him.

But the way things are right now, if OM runs across S during events like this what do you expect him to do, ignore your son and walk the other way? How do you think that would make your son feel, given that he knows nothing about your sitch?

See above response to Tread. I feel like I can make my feelings known to S17 without spilling all of the beans. Could he infer what was going on? Perhaps, though he is not nearly as intuitive WRT such things as his brother. Could he ask "Why" or "What's up with that"? Of course, but I feel like I could appropriately say "The details are between me and him and are unimportant. All you need to know is that sometimes people who you think are your friends sometimes aren't really your friends."

Risks with that, of course, are that S17 reads between the lines, and/or that W doesn't like me bringing it up with S17 (a very very real possibility.

It's very apparent just from reading your post. She asks you about it and you completely shut her out. You retreated inside your walls and pulled up the drawbridge leaving her out in the cold. How do you think that made her feel? Certainly not more connected and intimate with you.

Yes, you are probably right in this. I guess I was afraid to even be discussing OM with her right now... or, more accurately, was afraid to have OM brought up by my son in that context (he actually had taken a couple of pictures of OM's truck in the parade, as well) especially since W had just had the setback 2 weeks ago with bff calling from OM's hangout. I just really feel like that dude and all reminders of him need to be GONE from our lives right now, and that is two great big ones right in my wife's face within a two week span. Even so, it was out there and we should have talked about it, especially given the stage we are currently in. Might also have led to some discussion about appropriate boundaries for S17 to have, if any, regarding OM, and whether or not she thought it okay for me to bring that up with S17 to begin with.

Honestly, and I have not said this to her myself, though MC has said it to me (and I think to her) and I think it is spot-on, but I believe we should just level with our kids about pretty much the whole ball of wax. They are both practically adults, now, and should be able to understand such things. And, hopefully, to learn from them. I have already had conversations with S19 based on my own experiences on the importance of nurturing your relationships with others, especially your significant other, not taking them for granted, keeping things "fun", etc., and staying true to yourself and never stop being "the person you are" on account of any relationship because "the person you are" is usually who your wife/fiancé/GF fell in love with in the first place. But I have not shared the troubles between me and W. I actually think it might be helpful/healthy for them to know what we have been through, that my wisdom comes from having effed up for much of my marriage, and I think it would be helpful for W to be able to say "I made a mistake and had an inappropriate relationship--nonsexual-- with another man, but I realized that that was wrong and how much it would hurt you and Dad and everyone else, and that relationship is over". Helpful in terms of closure and guilt processing (my W is a HUGE guilt internalizer) and also in terms of "keeping her honest." If kids know, removing any opportunity she might have to present OM as a "new relationship", I can guarantee you she would never feel comfortable going back to OM. I would never, ever insist on us doing this, of course, but I can't help thinking it might be a good thing. But I've been wrong about such things in the past and certainly have been no paragon of effective DB-ing/piecing since this whole thing started.