Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[25yearsmlc]

Andrew, what a beautiful image. I love every word of that.

Imagery works for me too. I remember when T0 was trying so hard to keep her mouth shut, and we told her to imagine a bunch of us lined up peeking in her kitchen window when her H started his BS, and us hissing at her..... STFU!!!!!

IDK if it worked for her, but it helped ME. (BTW.... has anyone heard from her lately?)

No I have not!!


Gordie...... so sorry you're going through this. All I can offer is ditto to what others have said, and send big, big hugs. You'll get through this.

I had an image of a car without brakes in the dark, going down a mountain road. It did not "help" me so much as describe how out of control my life felt. It's not how I feel now. My brakes have kicked in.

I now have some direction, though I have to pull over and consult the map often.

Gordie I had a long list of injustices and grievances I felt. I was furious and a part of me will be very angry and very wounded, for a long time. I won't pretend that

This has been very unfair and it is for you too.

What helped me (note I said "helped", not solved), is this:

Knowing - This situation is not permanent.

Knowing my pain level is not permanent either. Things will get better.

Most of the timing for this recovery, is up to us.

BTW - another thing that helped me, was this:

When I added up the unfairnesses, I became so enraged, my heart was pounding and racing and it freaked me out. It made me physically sick. I'm working on that.

And yet I have to admit what the trade offs were in my choices and that all of them were NOT stacked in h's favor.

I was able to stay home with our 3 children in a big lovely home in a good, beautiful area of the country, for several years. They are healthy young adults, mostly grown - & We are close.

(You only need to know one family with a disabled or deeply troubled child, or an estranged one, or a family who has lost a child, to know this^^ is not a given in life.)

So although there are several things I'd do differently if I were to go back in time,
staying at home & yes, hurting my career, is not one of them.

I'm positive it's vital to your children to know they are deeply loved. Having one sane parent may be all WE can provide our children, but it matters.

So yes I got something very valuable out of this marriage.

IF you can figure out a way to see the benefits of your family life and your own positive contributions - they might help you feel some peace, sooner.

It's not a panacea. But it has helped me find some internal comfort when the rage I feel at the injustice of it, gets too big & I have to turn my anger/pain over to God.

There are free meditation apps available that have been surprisingly helpful to me as well.

"Insight timer" and "Calm" and "Headspace" are a few.

Hang in there, Gordie. We are all rooting for you.