Boundaries seem to be the bane of the LBS. But, boundaries aren't really the issue; enforcement of the boundaries is the issue.
I looked to my wife as an example of how to enforce boundaries. She used her anger to control people. You knew that if you made her angry there'd be h3ll to pay. I learned from her and juiced things up by a factor of three (or maybe five). I finally told her to leave and gave her one week to move out.
I'm sure others have a different opinion, but I think you have to be ready and willing to push the spouse out the door. Something along the lines of, "You can continue the affair, but not while living in this house. If you want to continue the affair then pack a bag and get out."
