Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[Gordie]

Journaling:

Feeling really stressed out. The whole situation right now feels like more than I can bear. Negotiating settlement directly with stbx round 2 to get to something fair. I’m pushing the pace of the d now because I want this to be over. Enjoyed weekend with the kids without w. Doing a good job of faking that I am okay and everything is normal but inside I am in turmoil and things are definitely not okay. Did I mention I took off the ring last week? Everyone here said you’d know when it was time to do it and you were right. It just didn’t feel right anymore. But I’m going to be strong. Stbx will not get everything she wants in this settlement and I’m willing to legally fight if necessary. Not what I want to do, but I’m not afraid to go there.

[bttrfly]

SBJ took the words out of my mouth, Gordie. Get a heavy bag and some gloves, or do something physical. This stress needs to come out of your body. Even if it's just a long walk around the neighborhood, do something to get yourself moving. It really helps more than you think.

Also, I'm sure the stress of trying to keep up a normal appearance for the kids is not helping at all. I remember having to do that and I'm so glad that part of this is over.

Again, as others have said, you're in the eye of the storm my friend. It's horrible but trust us - this will pass. You are going through a terrible thing, and your feelings are absolutely natural and normal. If it's too much to negotiate directly with her, look into hiring a mediator.

hang in there Gordie. You are a wonderful man who did not deserve this. You will get through it, even when you think you won't. We are here for you. Try your very best to keep things in the day/ in the moment if necessary. Try your very best not to think too far ahead. Keep it to what you'll be doing the next week only.

Take some time for yourself, a few minutes every day. Go out one night this week either with guy friends or by yourself to get some peace and space from the situation.

Think about what you want and need and focus on that.

This is not going to be easy, but you will get through it. Peace is on the other side. Believe me.

Sending prayers to you and your family.

xoxoxoxo
{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

[25yearsmlc]

Sotto,

Thanks. I have explored NGS but that wasn’t my main issue in the m. I was more the work and kids focused H. W was a SAHM who felt she was trapped in that role and that I didn’t pay enough attention to her, that our R wasn’t a high enough priority. The original guidance was to listen and pay attention to her and build an emotional connection, to be her best friend. That was what I was doing for the past year until recently when OM2 came into the picture.

when I first saw your thread - whenever it was, I recall thinking, "Oh geez, 5 kids??"

And it's (now) rare for me to jump on the MLC bandwagon but it struck me back then, that it fit.

OTOH, so what?

I mean, what's the difference if she's with an OM and acts like it?

It's about you & the kids, now. Seriously.

[AndrewP]

Gordie - Imagery is my thing but perhaps isn't yours.

I just want you to imagine you, and SBJ, and I and all your DB friends all standing shoulder to shoulder behind you and with you. You are strong, you are mighty. We are here with you, in front of you taking the hits, behind you, holding you up.

You are not alone. You need to find those places of strength to sustain you through the days and weeks to follow. Know that your are a good man, know that you have done more than most men would.

There is a Far Shore - but the journey is long and hard and there is no map.

[25yearsmlc]

yeah

we are all rooting for our team; Team Gordie.

[leahsue]

Andrew, what a beautiful image. I love every word of that.

Imagery works for me too. I remember when T0 was trying so hard to keep her mouth shut, and we told her to imagine a bunch of us lined up peeking in her kitchen window when her H started his BS, and us hissing at her..... STFU!!!!!

IDK if it worked for her, but it helped ME. (BTW.... has anyone heard from her lately?)

Gordie...... so sorry you're going through this. All I can offer is ditto to what others have said, and send big, big hugs. You'll get through this.

[roist]

Gordie,

I know that this isn't easy. At least you have this place which means not only do you have great support,advice and friends but you also have another invaluable advantage. You know what you are facing from other stories. You also know there is nothing you can do to change the situation now. All you can do is the best you can in that situation.

I hope too that you realise that you are better off without her in your life. She has no respect nor consideration for you or others. At the moment she is not capable of doing so. Maybe down the line she will but for now she is off team gordie. Part of what we learn through our situations is the stand up for ourselves and how we let others treat us. We do this mostly through boundaries.

Whereas I am not for D nor separation, I think that you are right to be pushing forward now. You have been patient over the last five years but now she has crossed a line. I personally would want her out of the house asap. But as others have said, you need to be firm but kind. Revenge, anger and other negative feelings should be kept out of your interactions as much as possible. This isn't about not upsetting her etc but moreso about you rise above the crapp situation she has put you in. I have seen men around me be consumed by jealousy, anger and whereas I understand it, it truly isn't a good way to live.

I feel for you with all those kids. It won't be easy. Only you can decide when to tell them. They need to he protected and supported and definitely not as weapons against each other. That being said, your W will have to face up to her choices once they know. I doubt that will change her mind, but will add a layer of reality and complications to her new life.

I know that this isn't what you wanted, but it's what you've got. Accept that and make the best of it. I too had a W free weekend and I liked it. Me and my boys. It was good. My W wasn't away with OM so that isn't comparable but her absence lifted a certain level of stress and poor interactions. It'll be sad in one way, but liberating in another when W does go. Look forward to that.

Got to go. Take care

[Gordie]

Butterfly, 25, Roist, Andrew, Leahsue,

Thank you for your support. It does relieve stress to just say—I feel terrible! And love the imagery of Team Gordie. It makes me smile. And part of my ability to fight another day is what all of you have told me that this rough patch is temporary. It too shall pass.

Journaling:

Well, expected reunion and settlement talk didn’t happen. W was not home and it was getting late so I just went to bed. I was tired and didn’t feel like waiting up. I got up and pumped some iron and went to work and w was still asleep. I am going out tonight, so I am taking your advice! One day at a time.

[bttrfly]

excellent.

[25yearsmlc]

Andrew, what a beautiful image. I love every word of that.

Imagery works for me too. I remember when T0 was trying so hard to keep her mouth shut, and we told her to imagine a bunch of us lined up peeking in her kitchen window when her H started his BS, and us hissing at her..... STFU!!!!!

IDK if it worked for her, but it helped ME. (BTW.... has anyone heard from her lately?)

No I have not!!


Gordie...... so sorry you're going through this. All I can offer is ditto to what others have said, and send big, big hugs. You'll get through this.

I had an image of a car without brakes in the dark, going down a mountain road. It did not "help" me so much as describe how out of control my life felt. It's not how I feel now. My brakes have kicked in.

I now have some direction, though I have to pull over and consult the map often.

Gordie I had a long list of injustices and grievances I felt. I was furious and a part of me will be very angry and very wounded, for a long time. I won't pretend that

This has been very unfair and it is for you too.

What helped me (note I said "helped", not solved), is this:

Knowing - This situation is not permanent.

Knowing my pain level is not permanent either. Things will get better.

Most of the timing for this recovery, is up to us.

BTW - another thing that helped me, was this:

When I added up the unfairnesses, I became so enraged, my heart was pounding and racing and it freaked me out. It made me physically sick. I'm working on that.

And yet I have to admit what the trade offs were in my choices and that all of them were NOT stacked in h's favor.

I was able to stay home with our 3 children in a big lovely home in a good, beautiful area of the country, for several years. They are healthy young adults, mostly grown - & We are close.

(You only need to know one family with a disabled or deeply troubled child, or an estranged one, or a family who has lost a child, to know this^^ is not a given in life.)

So although there are several things I'd do differently if I were to go back in time,
staying at home & yes, hurting my career, is not one of them.

I'm positive it's vital to your children to know they are deeply loved. Having one sane parent may be all WE can provide our children, but it matters.

So yes I got something very valuable out of this marriage.

IF you can figure out a way to see the benefits of your family life and your own positive contributions - they might help you feel some peace, sooner.

It's not a panacea. But it has helped me find some internal comfort when the rage I feel at the injustice of it, gets too big & I have to turn my anger/pain over to God.

There are free meditation apps available that have been surprisingly helpful to me as well.

"Insight timer" and "Calm" and "Headspace" are a few.

Hang in there, Gordie. We are all rooting for you.