Journey to Acceptance

[Coly23]

Thanks skim, you are right, it's the expectations that are the worst! But NC means no expectations so I just need to get back to that.

Journaling: I seem to be cycling back to an earlier part of my sitch when I was very restless and found it hard to concentrate on one thing especially at work. Today was a real struggle.

Even though I have upped my GAL recently I can't seem to stop my brain from working overtime. I had a really good cry yesterday and then again in the shower this morning. I think it's because I'm feeling increasingly hopeless in my sitch and it's the complete and utter feeling of helplessness that there is nothing I can do but continue on a path which I did not choose.

I worry about the next few months leading up to D's birthday and Christmas and I know that is borrowing trouble from tomorrow but I still can't help it. I wonder if he is going to ask to see me and D or if he will wait for us to ask him or if he just us t bothered. IDK if D will want to see him and I'm not sure how that will make me feel, especially on her b'day. Actually writing it out here makes me feel a bit better because I have not told anyone how I'm feeling. One of my Sister's has asked if I want to spend Christmas with her family and all I wanted to scream is that I just want to spend it with my little family, me, H and D. Like old times. I miss it so much.

Anyway, that's my little moan for the day!

[LAJar]

Coly,

I'm new to your thread and this whole situation(10 weeks in), but I feel your anxiety on what's to come in terms of what should be celebrations. 10 year anniversary last week, S's birthday (which he shares w/ OW ) and mine both in Oct, followed by the holidays. This will be the first of those alone, so I don't have much advice for you, other than you will get through this just like the others. As mother's, LBS's, we have so much more strength in us than we know is possible.

My H is NC, which leads me to NC and I know the tailspin I get into when I do receive a random text. I blocked him from my cell for about 3 weeks. Couldn't believe the anxiety from just one little text. I see this has been going on for you for more than a year, don't let these things undo your progress. It is a real struggle, but you said even with just writing it out you feel better. That's a plus in my book! I don't know what's worse having contact, NC (when you still have hope) or the bits and pieces then NC. As I type that, they all suck!

Anyway, I hope your days have been better since.

[Coly23]

Hey LAJar! Thanks for the visit.

I'm so sorry you are here too. I remember at the start 10 weeks was an unbelievably long time!

NC is so hard but as you say it is better for us in the long run to avoid spinning at every interaction! I think my H mirrors my actions quite a bit which is really annoying so we don't hear much from him either but every so often I get a text from him which makes my heart sink!

Last year on D's birthday H came over and took us out to lunch and then on Christmas Eve he came over for dinner and stayed the night (in the spare room) and then spent Christmas morning with us. I'm not sure I want to do that again. D says although she loved it, it just felt very awkward. I agree.

Oh we'll no use borrowing trouble from tomorrow as they say. I guess I just need to make m own plans and assume he is making his.

Funnily enough, the other day D was looking for something and had to text H, which did absolutely did not want to do, and he told her the item was in the loft so she just thanked him. Next thing H is asking her if we want him to come over to get it out of the loft but by that time we braved it and did it ourselves. I am so proud that we are so self sufficient now but it has taken me a while to realise that we don''t need him.

I will pop over to your thread LAJar.

Happy weekend everyone!!

[AndrewP]

Coly23 - I haven't heard from you for a while. I hope that means that you and your D are living life and being awesome.

Some news on my side. I'm also working on expanding my culinary experiences. I got some local free-range ducks which I will try to figure out something to do with. I'm planning on one for Christmas for D23 and I. Probably followed by duck stew, duck soup, duck sandwiches ...

Keep well.

[Coly23]

Hey AP, thanks for shaking me out of my lethargy!

Wow, ducks! D would love to have ducks! Are you talking live ducks and if so have you given them names? I'm not keen on duck as I find it too gamey. Nice idea for Christmas though.

I just want to say that although I have not been posting, I have been reading along and making sure I know how you are all doing. Sorry if I am not commenting much but I just don't know what to say anymore. You all have such useful ideas and pearls of wisdom for each other and I would feel like such a fraud because I am not in that place as yet to offer this out to others.

Anyway, my update:

I'm okay thanks, just feeling very worn down by everything. Backslid a little on the DB'ng front. Had some interaction with H when I invited him over for left over chicken pie a few weeks ago as I had made a ton and it is his favourite. But it was short notice and he couldn't make it that day but asked if he could come over the next day but I was busy so he invited me and D for lunch the weekend after but I declined. I didn't want him to think that every time I reach out he feels he has to arrange to take us out to lunch. He only asks if I reach out to him and D says she feels awkward anyway.

Then I felt guilty and invited him for coffee. All in all it went well until at the end I fell apart and asked him if he wants to meet again and he said maybe and he will let me know. But that just wasn't good enough for me. Amongst other things I asked him what his plans were going forward and he said he hasn't thought about it much!

Anyway we left it and the next day I was on the train so I texted him to say that I was disappointed with our meeting as I wanted it to be positive after not seeing each other for just over 3 months and he agreed but he said that I keep pushing when I don't hear what I want and that makes him close up even more. He said he realises that he can be better at communicating and that he will try to do better. I suggested maybe we could have a call maybe once or twice a week and he agreed but that was three weeks ago and nothing from him. So much for getting better with his communication!

When we met for coffee I gave him his card for his birthday which was at the beginning of this week. I happen to be on a four hour train ride to another city on his birthday which left at 06.20am. Just after I boarded I get a text from him to thank me for his card! He apologised for texting so early as he had an early start too. Wow, I don't think I would ever send anyone a text at that time of the morning unless it was an emergency!

Since then my lethargy with the whole sitch has ramped up to can't be a**ed levels. He says all he does is work and play hockey but I think he was just trying to make me feel better. I don't care. I'm not a 46 year old man who has abandoned his family, treats his wife like she doesn't exist and is trying to relive his youth. Instead I'm a 48 year old woman who is bringing up a teenager, holding down a full-time job and looking after a household but I know he doesnt see me like that. When I was asking him over for pie I mentioned that I was going to be getting the garden ready for winter and rather than asking if i needed any help he just told me good luck with that! He knows how much work our garden takes and I am only little yet he has no empathy whatsoever!

Funnily enough, when I met him for coffee D finished college early and asked me to pick her up (she is soo lazy!). I suggested she either comes to coffee with us or I drop her at the place we are meeting for coffee and she walks back home (only a 10 minute walk). She was not happy as that would mean either way she may have to see H but she opted for the walk back home option. When H saw her get out of the car his little face lit up. He came bounding over and first gave me a kiss hello and then D. Then she said 'bye' and left. I think he was a little disappointed that she didn't stay! Tough!

In other news. D is doing good at college and getting some really good results. When we got home yesterday out of the blue she got an e-mail from her real Dad after nearly 10 years! He wants to start reconnecting with her but the e-mail was worded very strangely. He is living in Japan now. I know, random, but its for work! It almost sounded like a native trying to converse in very polite English. We think that maybe he has a Japanese partner who has written it? Very weird! We are not sure what to make of it. I think D is quite chuffed (pleased) that he has taken the initiative to contact her but the email wording was weird. It started off by saying 'Hello this is (name)' - not Dad and then ' I guess it's time for you to get to know the other person'. All D's birthday cards are signed off with his name and not Dad which we are used to so no surprise, but why would he want to reconnect with D after all these years so she can get to know his partner/wife (if this is what he wants) when she needs to get to know him again first! She was about 7 when she last saw him!

Anyway work is very busy at the moment and D has started to plan her 17th birthday in December already! Life goes on I guess and I am starting to plan my exit off the train to crazyville before it arrives! I know I have hung on for dear life as it twist and turns on its journey and against everyone's advice but I realise I can't hold on for ever. Next stop, Rope Drop City!

Happy weekend everyone!! X

[AndrewP]

Coly - Thanks for responding. The ducks are already dressed and frozen so naming them might not be helpful. The would be unlikely to come when they're called

Your update struck a cord with me. I am still posting here a bit because I feel an obligation to this place and these people to pay forward the help that I have received, but like you, I don't really know what to say that would be compatible with the DB model. Perhaps I've gotten cynical.

Good news about your D. It sounds like she's blooming in college and growing into a wonderful young woman. Odd about her father reaching out, but then perhaps not. People grow and change over time and perhaps he feels that now that she's almost an adult that he can have a mature relationship with her now as two adults and not so much father and child. I don't know any of the history there but as we've both learned here, it's best to not over-analyze things but just accept them.

As far as your H is concerned - I've got nothing. He baffles me just like I am sure he baffles you. It does seem like he's firmly "friend-zoned" you and is comfortable in his life. After all this time I honestly can't see anything changing without the application of some sort of outside force. Sorry - but that's what it looks like from here.

The leaves are in brilliant leaf here now with the fall colours in full chorus. Today's list for me includes working on my own garden to get it ready for winter. Fortunately I'm not "little" at nearly 6' and 100kg but I can sympathize with the hard work you'll need to do. I promised STBX that I would leave the garden pretty much as it is through to next spring so that she can get some heritage plants that we got from her grandparent's farm but am starting to give thoughts to changes that I'll be making.

Be kind to yourself. You have shown compassion and love that is far beyond the average. You are extraordinary and need to remember that.

((Coly23))

[Coly23]

Aha! Okay, so no naming the ducks then AP!

I guess if H has 'friend-zoned' me there is little I can do about it except thank God that he is not a hateful Spewer!

Feeling a bit lonely tonight but all in all I have had a good Saturday. Cleaning, gym and a nice dinner at home with D watching box sets. I've got a couple of days off next week as it is half term over here so looking forward to some down time.

Hope everyone is good tonight! X

[roist]

Glad to hear from you. I know that it's only words but your H consistently says stuff indicating not shutting you out. Almost as often he let's you know that you are pushing him (meaning pushing him away). I honestly don't think that he is fully lost to you, but forcing reconnection will not work.

Maybe he needs to feel and believe this "couldn't be arssed" attitude more. Stop expecting hoping or wanting him to help.

Best wishes

[Coly23]

Hey Roist, thanks so much for the visit.

I really want to believe that H is not lost to me but I feel like he would rather I just disappeared from his life completely!

I know I push him and I am really annoyed with myself. I actually agree with his comments and I recognise my behaviour needs to change especially when I don't hear what I want. This is something I have been thinking of a lot.

I'm just finding it hard to be firm and not whiney! How do I show him my 'can't be arssed' attitude without coming across as rude? That's my biggest issue.

Happy Sunday everyone!!

[bttrfly]

Hi Coly xoxoxoxoxo

How do I show him my 'can't be arssed' attitude without coming across as rude? That's my biggest issue.

Hmmm, well I think, but I'm not, that it involves GAL. I think, but I'm not sure, that at the beginning you may have to fake it, but as your GAL evolve, it will be natural and you really will have a "can't be arssed" attitude that's low key, matter of fact and authentic.

I think coming at it from a place of loving kindness is the way to go. Look up the loving kindness meditation. It's brought me a lot of peace. Hope it does the same for you! It's on the excel at life site.

Overall dolly, I agree with Roist - don't expect or want him to help.

Much love to you, as always!
xoxoxoxo