Hoping someone can give me some insight in how I should be interacting with and/or moving on from my marriage.
My Husband (29) and I (29) have known each other for 11 years, been together for 8.5 and married for 5 years. I thought that we had a good marriage. We have always had intimacy issues but I thought our love was enough. I moved away from my family to be with him 7 years ago and we have spent almost all of our time together. My life has been completely wrapped up in him and I believed he was completely wrapped up in me. It felt comfortable.
In June he had a chronic pain flair-up and was on steroids for 2 weeks. During this period 2 instances happened where he believes I was not there for him when he needed me the most. I think this is when he started to question our relationship.
In the beginning of July he told me he was not sure of us and our relationship. I spent the next 10 weeks in panic mode. Crying, begging, pleading, and bargaining with him to save the marriage. He kept saying that he wanted to work on himself and then he would know if he could work on is. During this period I suspected an emotional affair with a co-worker who he considered his best friend. I do believe this has ended based on his current behavior. He said things like “I don’t know if I am where I am today because of you or in spite of you.” “Your love is poison to me” “I don’t know if I have been depressed or if someone has been putting me in a box” We only attended 4 counseling sessions and he was never really able to work on anything. He slowly started detaching from me and at the end of September he told me that he is done. He has told me this on a few different occasions since then. I stopped bringing it up 1.5 weeks after he told me. I have backed off.
The problem is we are still living together. No physical contact. He is sleeping in the guest room. He told me that he loves me as a friend “but I love everybody” He isn’t reaching out to me accept to communicate about the dog. We still have joint finances. He has talked about selling the house in the spring and calling a lawyer but has yet to use the word Divorce. He has told his friends and family he is leaving me so everyone in our world knows. He stopped wearing his wedding ring.
The confusing thing is he is being really nice to me. Recently it appears that he either A) is getting comfortable with our situation or B) might be reconsidering his thoughts? Last week Friday I went out by myself for the first time to a bar. He was very interested the next morning in what I had done and even brought these plans up again on Sunday. He has been around the house a little more this week than previous weeks. Monday night he didn’t eat dinner at happy hour and I made us dinner. (He had been staying out until 11:30 most nights) Then on Wednesday night I was going to go out and he texted me about wanting to know where I was going so that if he went out he wouldn’t run into me. Then when I got home he was very chatty with me, asked me to walk the dog with him to go kill a Pokémon, and then sat on the middle cushion of the couch when we got back after months of sitting on the other side of the couch. He was really engaged with me and turned on funny you-tube videos that we laughed to. Last night he was out until 9:45 but I was in bed when he got home so we didn’t talk at all yesterday. I am trying not reach out to him accept to let him know if I will be home for purposes of the dog.
My question is-why is he being so engaging? When he is around me he tells me all about his life, his work, what he is doing with me asking very minimal questions and just using validation. He does not ask about me much and if I bring up anything about how I am feeling/missing him (which I have only done 1x per week) he just avoids the topic. He never brings anything up about future plans or anything to do with actually separating anything.
I am just so confused. It is making it hard for me to accept this and move on. He has called me hun 6x in the last week. I have not addressed any of this with him because I am afraid it will push him away and create more negative feelings about me for him. Does anyone have any advice/insight. I am happy to give more details I just didn’t want this to be too long.
Me: 29 H: 29 T: 8.5 M: 5 Bomb Drop: July 2017 S: September 2017
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
1. Re your q re why he is doing this or that. The answer is no one knows, including him. Try to stop mind reading as it just mentally and emotionally exhausts you. I learned this the hard way.
2. Re you being confused. Absolutely. It is confusing. It makes no sense. And if you are confused, you can bet that he is even more so. My w has flip flopped for over a year.
Post more and ask more questions. Read the books. Call and d b coach. Take care of yourself.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Does anyone have any input on DB when your spouse is leaving you because they don’t feel like you give them enough love and affection? My husband feels that I can’t show him the love he needs. I am worried detaching May have negative consequences.
My MIL thinks that I need to keep showing him love and affection and care.
Thoughts?
Me: 29 H: 29 T: 8.5 M: 5 Bomb Drop: July 2017 S: September 2017
Without being in individual counseling or coaching, everything offered here's is just for you to weigh and decide to use or not. Real love and real caring is listening for his benefit, dropping your own agenda in your mind, right? It's really hard to do if you are hurting.
You don't sound desperate to me tight now and I think it's ok to test the waters. It's a dance, move in when and listen when he wants to talk, back off when he doesn't. Throw in some mystery.
How did you two get together originally?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I had the same q when I arrived. I called a coach to come up with a plan. It’s a lot of experimentation to see what works. If doing x draws you closer together then do that. If it doesn’t, then stop doing x. The book explains this.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Two things jump out at me. One, you guys got together very young. You were 18. In this day and age, people grow up slowly, and don't really stabilize their values and goals until later.
The other thing is that you say you "always had intimacy issues." That sounds to me like a fatal flaw. You can't have a successful long-term marriage if you have intimacy issues.
As for him being nice to you -- it's not because he wants to get back together. He wants to be nice to you because it helps him feel less guilty about breaking up the marriage.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
We met in college. We were friends for 2.5 years before we started dating. We had been out of each others lives for a couple of months and then once we started talking we talked every day since. We knew we would get married someday almost as soon as we started dating. I graduated college and moved to be with him. 2 years later we got married. We just bought a house together last year.
Me: 29 H: 29 T: 8.5 M: 5 Bomb Drop: July 2017 S: September 2017
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
