Squinting at the morning sun

[ciluzen]

Well, look at that! I haven't been on my own thread for a few weeks. I guess I need to update. Sorry if its long.

School is happening. I really am enjoying it and the people in my cohort. We have a good one so far...we all enjoy each other and our very different lives. So much to learn from each other, yet we were flipping each other s#!t like old friends from the get-go! Right now we're all applying for and interviewing for various internship positions in the area, as well. Limited amount of internships and four universities worth of students. Wish me luck! I do need to find that balance of studying, social life, excercise and not stress eating, though. I tend to distract myself with food and not move enough to work it off. Haven't gained a pants size yet, but... winter is coming...(lol).

So, I feel like I will never be "done" with XH. And...that's ok. He is still on my mind every day and I still have good feelings when I think of him, mostly. I just am not BOTHERED by the thoughts anymore, if that makes sense. I am learning more and more of my own worth and attributes as I move on without him. I like me and who I am revealing myself to be. It sounds trite and maybe a little boastful, but he threw away a good woman. Every guy I have dated has seen something special in me and wanted to see me again, even after I've explained my schedule is crazy busy...that has been quite surprising! They have all said they would wait, too. I'm in no hurry to have an exclusive relationship, though the bio professor is slowly growing on me. He is the most secure...no desperation and very at ease living his own life, rather than pushing me to fill it up.

Back to XH. I don't want him to be unhappy. I honestly did, not too long ago. I wanted his world to crumble...and for him to run back to me crying that he couldn't make it without me. I looked for the signs in everything he did; every interaction I had with him. He does care for me. I know this. He also knows he hurt me and feels badly about that. The rest? I can't really know. He is a mess. A ball of knotted, tangled and writhing emotions; both softly sad and jagged with rage...covered with a stretchy thin suface of confidence and cheerful charm. Kind of like a balloon filled far too full of worms and rusty nails. There are tears (both pronunciations, I guess) forming.

I'll explain, but not knowing him, me, us may make it hazy.

I received a call the other morning from him while he was at work. He seldom calls anyone while working, especially in the morning when he's busiest. He was profusely apologizing because he had set my support check aside to be sent out and someone had addressed and mailed it for him. He was insinuating that Bubbles had done it. I had expressed how hurtful that was in the past and he had tried not to have that happen again. This also tells me that he never brought it up to her. I thanked him for preparing me to see her writing, but told him my feelings were evolving and that it wouldn't bother me as much as it once did.
But I would still appreciate the effort to not have it happen.

The next day I was making an item to take to a party and realized that I had no idea where my "family recipe" was for part of the dish. After calling both girls, I realized I had given him a copy and texted, asking him if he had it handy. He said "yes" with a picture of it.

A few days after that, we had an issue with our old insurance policy being linked to both of our new ones (still tied together wierdly). I could only solve my portion, but texted him to let him know that he needed to talk to them about his, and also remove daughter's car from his, since it had sold the week before. He didn't call me back, but called both daughter's to a) verify that D25's car sold and b) ask if we all had gotten together to have Thanksgiving early without him and why he wasn't invited (the recipe I called for was a TDay tradition, but I have tweaked it to create my appetizer a few times)! I do believe its over a month away?

The next day, D25 called me sobbing and in full panic attack. She could only squeak out "Dad". He was then calling me at the same time, so I informed her of this and told her she should take five minutes and some deep breaths and I would call her back after she was composed and after hearing him out. He was expressing his exaspiration with her. I'm realizing that he has undiagnosed anxiety, but his comes out as rage or excessive attempts to control. So I listened to him yell about her. I went back and forth with both of them for a good 45 minutes, until they were both much calmer. They've always butt heads, but he's going to lose her. She's starting to make that turn to realizing he is a toxic person in her life...and it hurts her to realize that she will have to cut out her "Daddy". He, in turn, fails to see her as a person...especially one with mental health issues. He feels the need to "help" her, even against her wishes, and doesn't realize that raising his voice is seen as yelling and triggers her. He kept repeating that he was trying to help her, but he just "couldn't care" anymore.Didn't want to hear the details. He refuses to hear her, but forces his help...not even knowing what the problem is. Once again I realized...not my problem. I will support my daughter by listening, maybe pointing out negative thinking, but not making decisions for her. Same with him. Then I went back to studying for my test.

So, after that...a day later, it struck me. He really is barely handling his stresses. He HAS to control his office. That has to be handled and cared for and thought about. But worrying about his daughters, his mother, his dad, and his brothers...even me; he can't. So he puts effort into his office and into play-day get togethers at the river or with friends; people he doesn't HAVE to care deeply about or control. But he has a sense of responsibility, and so...guilt for what he purposefully neglects and even sometimes misses. He begged our Ds to visit him at the river. To ski with him. But they have never been to his apartment. What will he do when he can't ski, or keep up the river house? He has expressed this fear...of getting too old to do these things. He sees this "end" as very close. I don't think he worries as much about not doing them as the other impact. That maybe the reason he has people in his life IS only because of those things. Without them he will be undesirable. He eats it...swallows it and lets it eat away at him through guilt, shame, and GERD. No wonder he fears being "left out" with our fractured family. I did, too, until I realized...I see my girls and talk to them a lot more than he does. I know much more about their daily lives, thoughts, friends. I always have. It must be very lonely to be him when he's alone. Me...not so much.

For those of you who braved the length of this post...keep GALing. Figure out who you are and learn to love yourself. We really are born alone and die alone. By that, I mean that no one can understand our world completely. We are alone in our own thoughts and feelings and perceptions. But alone doesn't have to mean lonely. It can just mean free.