Chapter 5 - Turning over to a new page

[bigybiz]

Previous thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...447#Post2746447

It's been a roller coaster for the last few weeks. I think the one year mark of being separated hit me from behind.

W continues to be in a holding pattern. Not moving forward, not moving backwards. Sometimes helpful/cooperative - sometimes the opposite.

Recently had 3 IC sessions and a meeting with my pastor. Bottom line -with nothing to grieve, no progress, etc the new normal is in full swing.

So here goes -

IC says I've done what I can to address "couple" issues on my own. Since W does not want to acknowledge/address that the "dance" of control and avoidance - I can't really introduce new patterns, behaviors, etc.

I really liked 25mlc's term. Make sure the path home is smooth. So I'll scream and vent to others when she makes me crazy. I'll try and take the high ground and be gracious but still clear and consistent.

[bigybiz]

Today is my 21st wedding anniversary.

As long time listeners know - I'm as ready for D as can be. W has made no progress forwards or backwards.

[bigybiz]

W bought S11 a laptop. No discussion with me - just here it is. Told me she has instructed him to follow the "house rules". I've told S11 for the time being he can use it when he is with W.

Some courtesy, discussion would be nice.

I'm sure W is going to say I'm being controlling. I would think how S11 access the internet, etc should be a discussion that we both have.

I would like the time to install "net nanny" software etc.

I have a feeling I've kicked a bee hive.

[Cristy]

W bought S11 a laptop. No discussion with me - just here it is. Told me she has instructed him to follow the "house rules". I've told S11 for the time being he can use it when he is with W.

Some courtesy, discussion would be nice.

I'm sure W is going to say I'm being controlling. I would think how S11 access the internet, etc should be a discussion that we both have.

I would like the time to install "net nanny" software etc.

I have a feeling I've kicked a bee hive.

Hello bigybiz,

You have worked with a DB Coach, right? It sounds like a good time to regroup with your DB Coach and come up with a strategy on how to have this conversation with W about the computer and important safeguards.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[bigybiz]

Cristy:

Yes, I've worked with a coach before. One of my DB colleagues had the best advice for me - Don't say anything unless it's positive. Words to live by for every sitch.

Well I expressed my gratitude to W for all her talent, etc in the technology world and everything she has done for us with respect to technology.

I told her it's a good time to develop some house rules, also I should not install any software etc on that laptop, as it is her property, without her OK. I did ask for the password and told her I'm going to look into a "Faith Based" net monitoring software and I'll do it while S11 is away at camp in mid July.

She said she agreed with my position and understood.

So all in all it was OK.

[bigybiz]

Month's ago coach instructed me to do what I can to prevent W from wallowing in the victim mentality. So yesterday, I took the bull by the horns. W typically does not read the family calendar, let's info go in one ear and out the other, ignores my sms, etc. Then says "I did not know..." Last night I called her and said I want to go through the weekend plans as there is lots on.

Of course she said, I did not know... and I won't be able to see S11 before he leaves for camp, etc, etc.

I said to her. I know that, that's why I called. I told her she is welcome to come join us for dinner on Friday night. W replied that she should be able to see S11 on her own.

I said, well you can join us on Friday night. If that is unacceptable, then come up with something else. She said OK - I'm not sure what that means. I do know that she won't be showing up on Saturday morning looking for S11. Then being upset that he's already with his gang at an amusement park for a B'day party.

It may not prevent the victim mentality, it will prevent a blow up.

Let's see what happens.

[bigybiz]

Venting

So Saturday is W day with the S11 & S16. S11 needed to be picked up from camp. Typically, W comes over to make boys breakfast on Saturday am. I did the driving etc. When I returned I call W and said "Hi we're home". She responded with "Oh, I did not think I would see them today, I have a friend in from out of town". I was calm and said, "OK I'll give them dinner. Talk to you later".

Later S16 told me she had informed him that mom was not coming on Saturday.

I was calm and cordial. This has happened three times now. She does not inform me of change and assumes, I'll step in and/or the boys will be OK on their own.

I've not said anything and it's not been a major inconvenience. Further, it ads to my "She owe's me days" total. So I can use those days when I need.

I'm feeling like a disrespected doormat. I won't bring it up unless she does. Not sure what to do.

[bigybiz]

Well - very happy. D21 moved back in. We broke my back and the bank accounts to finish our basement and add a bathroom. It was supposed to be a man cave. Now it's a princess apt. Who cares. I have all my kids under one roof. She is a bossy, beautiful, fantastic girl. She'll be a great influence on her brothers. I'm hoping this the lighthouse effect.

[bigybiz]

I just found out that W seeing someone. She introduced them to our kids today. D21, S17, S17 I very much want to contact him and tell him I’m trying to restore my family and if he has any honour he’d let her be. Yes, I’ve made many mistakes I’m giving it all for my wife and family.

I also want to tell my sons that we are men of honour and this guy is not. They must love their mother but hate the sin.

[AndrewP]

Bigy - Good to see you posting. I think that one of the toughest things for many of us to deal with is the fact that we have no control over the events going on around us. We are merely spectators of someone else's performance.

I would strongly recommend not contacting her new guy. Her agenda and his are not yours.

As far as your children's reactions to the new guy goes, again, that's out of your control as well.

In my case I am a big believer in honour and duty as well. But knowing where that path lies is difficult some times. Your sons, like mine have a duty to love their mother regardless of her actions. In the case where this guy or some other one at some indeterminate time in the future becomes a permanent part of her life and by extension their's, they will need to treat him with respect regardless of their opinions of the circumstances.

For my own son and daughter, they continue to have a relationship with their mother that I have nothing to do with. One of the big frustrations for me was the fact that there was so much secrecy and by extension lies that they got from their mother. To me that shows a lack of respect for them, but the truth has always been so very important to me and less so to my kid's mother. I have no idea what they know or if they've met her guy or not. She's been seeing him for over 2 years now so I would certainly hope so - but again - I don't know. It's none of my business even though, like you, we are still legally married.

Part of what we are taught here is "detachment". I think that I'm pretty well there. We all struggle with it. You maybe want to take a hard look at what you are feeling. I still get those feelings from time to time and label them jealousy.

After playing the field and "finding herself", perhaps there is a chance that she will turn back towards you. The known safe place. There are no guarantees. Your duty is no longer to her. You do still have a duty to your kids, yourself, and your community to be the best man that you possibly can be and to be an example of decency and honour.