Not really anything new when it comes to XW. Our communication has died even more, although I just received a couple of pictures of S again with some "seemingly funny" messages.
A coworker told me she has a friend who has her life in order but "just lacks a man" (apparently she's been single for quite some time). Coworker mentioned that she knows one guy (me) who has just divorced and is "really good looking" (lol). Now her friend would like to go on a date with me. Really uncomfortable as the coworker was pushing it really hard for me (go, what could you even lose? It's not like you need to marry her. Love doesn't watch the time). It definitely feels like an ego boost however, but I don't know if I should go. The girl knows my sitch and says that she's fine with just making a friend out of it, not attaching any future to it... She looks cute however
I know I'm not ready to be anyone's boyfriend. But then I'm weighing it against all these what ifs - that probably just spark from my fear of the future... But then again, if she really knows the situation and is extremely picky about guys (she has been on dates according to coworker so it's not like she's not attractive or anything). What would I lose? It doesn't seem like she would get hurt regardless... Maybe I would get more hurt due to more rejection if I get rebound attached haha. But as far as I know to take it extremely carefully and weight my emotions, I don't think making a friend out of this would be a bad thing. Dunno.
I now know exactly what I want from my next partner. I'm done with being "caged", as I always was with my XW. If there's a good song playing in say a clothing store, I could just randomly make some dance moves - I don't care what others think about it and most of the time the reactions seem more positive than negative. I think our culture needs more extroverted and "in the moment" people. My XW was immediately really embarrassed and always angrily said "stop". I want someone who isn't as strict and formal in everyday life situations. If I don't feel like putting on the best clothes from the closet when I go to shopping, so what?! I'm more of a joker than a stereotypical "handsome" business man. I want to be childish at times when the situation allows it. Who cares what other people think about it?
Another thing: I want to show my love in public too. XW had so many issues with walking by holding hands, kissing in public etc. I just want someone who appreciates me randomly grabbing her in my arms no matter where we are and kissing her neck. That's just how I am. I can now start to understand why my affection died little by little. I want someone who BY THEMSELVES come to me after a long day at work and kiss me, and ask me how my day was. I don't want to go back in the situation where I just get a random "hey" and see her walking away from me. I want someone who appreciates my comments about her sexyness. "If we were alone together, I'd totally take you here right now". I used to say things like this but she never seemed to like it. I know these are not reasons to turn down affection, but it's hard to keep up when you are always getting rejected. I know she tried to give me kisses too but I guess our timings were different. We both probably tried to do it when the other one was feeling stress (i.e. me after my workday -> me relaxing and her being with kids+cooking food -> her feeling stress vs. me doing my thesis and really trying to figure something out when she started to relax after we put kid(s) to sleep).
I'm starting to really like myself again. It's amazing how much my body has transformed since the BD. I am 30 years old and when I woke up at the morning, my body physically hurt in many places. I was a slouch! Now, I feel much more energized even though my sleep has gone haywire. No place hurts! I can jump with one leg again! I can put myself into weird positions as I'm much more flexible! I think my mental health has gone up too, I seem to remember things better and be a bit less of an auto-pilot. I'm 180 pounds now (was 220 lbs at the beginning) and I still need to lose ~10 lbs of fat. Then my body fat% should be at ~8-12%. I'm starting this one long course which I've been SO interested for over a year and thought it would never be re-introduced. But guess what! It's going to start soon (really helpful for my career and I'm super interested in it)!!!
I'm sorry about my babbling and maybe I should write these messages for myself only. I don't know if these interest people since they aren't exactly about my M. It seems to help to get these thoughts of my head though and I really feel the growth from figuring things like these out.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
