WW in EA, NC w/OM(?), W's BFF interfering, part 7

[hoosjim]

Man, it is just never easy.

First, the bad, to get it out of the way because that's where i feel it needs to go and stay: out of the way. Ever want to just punch someone square in the throat? Like over and over and over?
Thursday/Friday were just really good days for me and the W. And for whole family in general. Then, today, talking to S17 I get hit with a load of bricks. S17, who is a natural athlete, just... he's good... used to be a football player but stopped playing because his Tourettes and related symptoms made it no longer enjoyable for him to play the game loved. So he joined yearbook and now is responsible for, amongst other things, sports photography for the football team. Yesterday was homecoming at his school, so he was there all afternoon and evening filming-- cookout/tailgate, pep rally, parade, game-- while W and I were out of town. Today, after having spent the night with friends, he comes home and is dressing for his soccer game and I ask him if he had fun at homecomings. "Oh sure, Dad, it was great. I got to take pictures of the parade, and I saw Mr. OM there, too! He was driving a truck in the parade and came up to me afterwards and asked me how I was doing and was telling me about the recruiters there to see his son for the game." [If you're new to this party, OM was not just my friend but he was friendly with both my sons, OM's son is one of the school's QBs, and he's probably good enough to play at the small college--D3-- level, and S18 played on the same teams with OMs son].

ARRRGGGHHHHH! Didn't I tell that [extremely scathing expletive deleted] to stay the [expletive deleted] away from my W AND away from my boys. And I was not at all equivocal about it. To top it off, W was sitting right there and she got this real funny look when S17 said it. (For additional color, S17 has no idea what transpired between OM, W, and me-- in case it's not clear enough form his comments. OTOH S18, who has asked a couple of times why i don't "hang out with OM anymore" does, I believe, strongly suspect based on some things he has said, though if he does he does not appear to have shared with his brother). I so, so, so want to pound that clown into the dirt right now. At least W came upstairs right after I went up and put her hand on my shoulder and asked me "Are you okay?" And I kind of played it off and didn't show any anger even though i was SEETHING.

Okay, so, enough of that. Now the good. W of course seemed to have had a bit of a "setback" in her A/OM recovery about two weeks back, had been somewhat sulky and kind of withdrawn at times... wanted me to give her "space", had been feeling "smothered", etc. I had taken the opportunity to give her that space, had gone out a couple of times with friends, which she didn't seem to mind, and had basically pulled back some. As of only about a week ago had seemed hesitant about the counselling MC and IC we had scheduled for Friday. Then Wednesday, I think, she asked me if we were still going, and I said "yes, unless there's some reason you can't for work"-- giving her an out. Which she didn't take. We drove down Thursday night. Nice drive, didn't leave til late because wanted to have dinner with S17, which was also nice. We made alot of fun, idle chit chat, played around with the radio, sang the songs we found and played a game we used to play where we'd try to stump each other about songs or artists or other trivia relating to the music (we're both big music lovers and big roadtrip lovers.)

Friday's counselling sessions ended up being all "joint" MC. W didn't bit on opportunity to talk to counselor individually on Friday even though counselor offered a couple times, although, by the end of the four hours of sessions, she had a couple of important "epiphanies" and said she thought she should probably try to talk to the MC alone, hopefully in another session next week. We got alot of stuff out. Made alot of progress, I think. She really enjoys our time together, says she feels can now "depend on me in a way she never could before" to be there for the kids, etc., feels like our relationship has grown from where we probably weren't even "friends" a few months ago. She really treasures the family times we have had together recently, and says she would never want to lose that, and has trouble envisioning a sitch where we are not together on holidays, etc. She even says she is sorry she told me once a while back that she "doubted she would even be that upset if something happened to me" and that she didn't really mean that. (SURELY, sex between us must be next, lol.) The anger she says she had at me for so many things is gone, she says. OTOH, she still doesn't have those romantic feelings for me (MC reminder her she is only a few weeks off of relationship with OM), and still feels a little weird/uncomfortable sometimes when we touch, though she says she is getting more comfortable with the latter. She does say she "knows we will have to work on that" and that she "Wants to" do so. She still does "think about OM sometimes" and says she is sorry that that hurts me but she "wants to be honest." Finally, that she wants to work on this but she is a little afraid, too.

For my part, I copped to still being hesitant to reach out to her sometimes because memories of her with the OM would crop up, and that it really bothered me that he was the last man to kiss her, my wife romantically. Also that I was a little afraid too, afraid to make myself vulnerable again and to take a chance on the relationship again. MC also piped in for me at one point when I was talking and when W looked confused and said "I think what hoosjim is trying to say is that he 'wants' you sexually but loves and respects you enough to step back and give you the space you need even though he wants to rip your clothes off and have his way with you" [Which is not exactly what I was saying but it seemed to go over really well with W so I let it ride.Our MC also doubles as a sex therapist, which is pretty cool, IMO] We had been talking about the tension between trying to be deliberate about touch and reaching out to each other and the times when she felt she needed "space" and how to reconcile the two. Finally, it came up in another context about her saying she wanted to go off for her 50th with BFF and other GFs for an island vacation, and she actually said she was sorry about saying that and thought so immediately after she hung up with me, and that she doesn't always think she wants to do things like that but her thinking changes day to day and it is confusing. She said if anything she would want to go off by herself, but she wasn't even sure about that, and that she was sorry because she knows some of the things she says and her changing moods hurt me sometimes.

We talked alot about our respective pasts, and our own past relationship, and MC came to the conclusion that she is taking alot of blame and hurt and responsibility for things on herself, including that she is putting all the pressure on herself for if we "try this" and it doesn't work out and then she'll be responsible for hurting everybody. Also has commitment issues (absolutely true on the latter... I could have told the MC that just from our own early experiences.)

There were quite a few tears from W, though not uncontrollable sobbing as there has been sometimes in past. They were really pretty good sessions and we talked a whole lot. MC gave us each some exploratory exercises to do individually... sort of a "who am I" kind of thing... in preparation for each of us doing some IC. W actually ended up being pretty eager about this, and wanted to talk about it in the car ride home (which was also very nice and "loose") and at dinner, later, and she even went out on her own initiative this morning and bought us posterboard and markers for the exercises.

Last night was also really, really good, in some ways, but also showed how far we have to go, still. She surfed around on ride home and found a new band we hadn't seen before that sounded interesting playing at an old, hole in the wall English style pub, and said, well lets go here when we get home. I suggested just going straight to dinner and then pub but she said "I'd like to go home and freshen up some." Which she did and... just... wow. I mean, like Va-Va-Voom. She put on some cut-out bare shoulder shirt that she had just bought and did her hair real quick and sprayed on some shimmer mist and I was like... Dang! She looked amazing and I told her so, and for once it didn't seem to annoy her and she smiled and said "thank you." We ended up just eating at pub, and it was great. Really full house crowd, the band was a lot of fun, so there was a lot of noise to cover any lulls in conversation (of which there weren't many.) We talked, and drank some, and joked and even exchanged some light sexual banter. Talked about alot of things that we'd never even really talked about with each other before (somewhat inspired by the "who am I" exercises.)

She also was telling me one of her big epiphanies was that she didn't think she'd ever had a fully committed relationship... not in the sense that she was not monogamous, and her EA/fling with OM was the first time she had been unfaithful to any significant other, but rather that she had never been "all in" and completely comfortable that the person she was with was "the one" and who she was meant to be with, though she had tried very hard with me, but always had some doubts. She was not sure she could ever see herself trusting herself and another person and fate that much. She thought that was the primary baggage that she brought to our marriage was that uncertainty, and that lack of openness and vulnerability... which she is absolutely correct about. She was definitely closed off to me in some ways even from very early on, and could be very guarded about her feelings and troubles. This is going to sound, I know, a bit like the "I never loved you" that WAS's throw around, but it wasn't that at all. She granted that she did have those feelings for me at one time... just that she never fully abandoned herself to them and opened herself up fully to the relationship.

At any rate, that was the only really "serious" thing we talked about, and the rest of the night all the way to close was just light hearted fun. We even danced some, which was also nice. Got an Uber home together, and she fell asleep in my arms after some more talking.

Idunno. I think it was a good "step." She really opened up to me about some things in a way she never really has before, at least not since we very first were dating, and maybe not even then. Then her confessions were about things she had done in her past, last night it was really about who she "is" and who she "thinks she is". And I don't think her getting dolled up was any kind of temperature checking... I think she is really trying to see if she can have that kind of sparky relationship with me that she wants, that the MC has told us on some level we are just going to have to "jump in to" at some point. We're both becoming more comfortable with some things-- I've been putting my arm around her some when we're out, something I never did much before and which she has said she'd always wanted, and she's been letting me do so and seems comfortable with it.

But we got a long way to go.