Gordie: MLC W with a BF...negotiating our D #12

[Gordie]

Summary: things started five years ago, changed appearance, wanted to work outside the home, left the church, started spending time with OMs...B D...spent a year re building connection...w filed...w didn’t follow up...B D 2...is now in a “serious” R...I am now the one driving the D bus...w wants to be friends

[Gordie]

Prior:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2764076#Post2764076

[AndrewP]

[quote=AndrewP]
Gordie - If this follows the usual script, expect her to be extra nice to you when she gets back and try to do something nice.

It's up to you how/if to deal with that.

Thanks for the warning. How should I deal with that? Plan is not to ask any questions of how was your weekend? Just keep my distance and be friendly but not friends.

I wish I knew the answer to that. I'd have to go back in to some of my old threads that have pain in them that I would rather not see but I remember being very very confused and very angry and holding it all inside. If I remember it correctly it was in May 2016 if you feel like looking. It wasn't pretty though. I had poor boundaries and was chastised for it.

The facts of your situation as I know it are:
- She's living under the same roof as you for an indefinite period of time.
- You are both parenting and the kids are pretty much in the dark about what is going on.
- Nothing has been filed anywhere.
- You don't specifically know the know the agenda for this weekend but I think the consensus is that it's with current OM and that is your own belief as well.

Not sure if that is the case or not. The "classic" answer would be to throw her crap on the lawn and change the locks. People who are here on the DB site don't tend to do that.

From the title of the new thread you are throwing in the towel. Nobody here, especially me is going to judge you one way or another on this.

I know that from my own in-house separation that my W would be in a fabulous mood after spending time with OM which I would pretty much always mis-interpret.

What I think it comes down to in DB terms is "boundaries". She's crossed a really really big one. If not this weekend then before. There are consequences. Be distant. Don't get sucked in by the "nice". Presume anything that she says / does is to minimize and normalize the situation.

If I had to do it all over again, perhaps the position I should have taken was to state that "it's over" and start working towards a timeline for her departure. You need to remember that the person you are dealing with is now living in FairyLand and not Realsville and they will have completely unrealistic ideas about how it will all play out. If you try to "wake her up" - it could all blow up rather spectacularly which could be good but you have to worry about collateral damage with your wee ones.

As I think I said before - this is the toughest thing that you will ever do. Be strong. Pick your own path. We're all here for you.

[Gordie]

Andrew,

Thanks. That is mostly correct except the filing part. She started talking D last September. I told her if she wanted that then she would have to do the work. She was all talk and no action and then filed in March without telling me and then didn’t complete the paperwork so it’s been delayed. Court dates have come and gone. She finally gave me a settlement agreement in September and it was total garbage and I told her that. We have discussed and now I am working with my L to draft a new agreement. If she was cheating before, she was hiding it from me and now she’s not. I didn’t snoop. She told me and that’s it’s not OM1 so I am labeling him OM2 but could be OM222 for all I know. Thanks for your advice and counsel because my gut says you are right, that she may be super nice when she is back. Reminds me of a time earlier in this saga when she did something not so nice and then started making all my favorite foods.

Journaling:

I woke up and was determined to have a great day with my kids. The weather was spectacular. We had a busy day of activities and then I made a really nice dinner, my favorite. W only interrupted once to speak to the kids. I just picked up the phone and gave it to the kids without talking to her.

Forgot to journal about my d b coaching session this week:

Coach said to keep doing what I am doing. Keep distancing. Make her miss me. I told the coach that w actually said earlier this week that she misses spending time with me and asked if we could spend more time together. Coach said then it seems I should stick to this approach. I asked if it was against my d b goal to be pushing the d forward. She asked why I was doing that. I said I was doing that to protect my interests and the interests of the children and she said then of course that makes sense. Ask your L how fast or slow you should push it.

Coach spent more time focused on me than the R. She said I need to take care of myself. I am hurting a lot and I need to do what I need to do to heal myself. And yes, it’s okay to be angry. Give yourself permission to be angry. You have been wronged. But stop the moping. Moping isn’t doing me any good. Fake it ‘til you make it. And soon, you won’t be faking it anymore.

[roist]

Survive, live, thrive. Listen to the coach. Best wishes

[Sotto]

"Coach spent more time focused on me than the R. She said I need to take care of myself. I am hurting a lot and I need to do what I need to do to heal myself. And yes, it’s okay to be angry. Give yourself permission to be angry. You have been wronged. But stop the moping. Moping isn’t doing me any good."

Yes I think that's good advice from the coach. You may also want to actively planning how living separately is going to work? Is she going to move out, are you? Will you sell your current property and each buy separately? Will you tell the kids together? I think there are some realities that she will need to start facing now. What you don't get to do is go away with 'new BF' for the weekend and then come back to the family home and carry on life as usual...

I don't think trying to 'nice' a WW back into the marriage works and I think alpha male with good boundaries is the way to go. Not in a vengeful way - but in a - wow, this isn't working for me, I'm going to make some changes - kind of way.

Also, from the coach advice of focusing on you - have you read NMMNG and thought about NGS - how this may have impacted on your R and any changes you may want to make going forward? Forgive me if I'm covering ground already covered...

I'm sorry this is happening. I recall a weekend where I knew XH was with OW and it was tough. Equally, these turns of events do tend to tip situations into a new phase, which can also be welcome in hindsight...

Xx

[Gordie]

Sotto,

Thanks. I have explored NGS but that wasn’t my main issue in the m. I was more the work and kids focused H. W was a SAHM who felt she was trapped in that role and that I didn’t pay enough attention to her, that our R wasn’t a high enough priority. The original guidance was to listen and pay attention to her and build an emotional connection, to be her best friend. That was what I was doing for the past year until recently when OM2 came into the picture.

[Gordie]

Sorry,

I should say the part of NGS that applies to me and was eye opening was conflict avoidance. I am an expert in conflict avoidance. Something I am working on for Gordie 2.0.

[Sotto]

I'm an expert on that too Gordie!! It's a work in progress for me - as every fibre of my being screams - smooth it over!!

I have to work very hard at this and progress is slow - but I do now ask myself - is this working for me? What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation? These two questions have helped me a lot.

Recognising these things and working on them (ie: doing the inner work) is so valuable and is truly a 'win' from situations like yours and mine...

Take care Gordie :-)

[bttrfly]

So interesting this topic of conflict avoidance. I had lunch with my parents today and had a chat with my mother not specifically about this topic, but about a situation (not d related) that's been going on which required strong limit setting and laying out firm boundaries.

She asked me if my job taught me that and I said no - this divorce is what taught me to stand up for myself, set and maintain firm boundaries and not avoid conflict.

I'm far from perfect at it, and I will say I don't go looking for conflict but if something comes up now, I will set firm boundaries and limits. I'm thinking of this as the silver lining to the divorce.

I told my mom a couple of incidents with exh which happened when we were at the stage you're at Gordie, and how those incidents really taught me to stand up for myself in a healthy way, firm, direct, no-nonsense. I give those I love and care about a long, long leash but there is a firm line and once it's crossed, that's it. I'm grateful that I've learned how to do that. I'm a better and happier person for it. Tough way to learn the lessons, but grateful for them.