Wow, ducks! D would love to have ducks! Are you talking live ducks and if so have you given them names? I'm not keen on duck as I find it too gamey. Nice idea for Christmas though.
I just want to say that although I have not been posting, I have been reading along and making sure I know how you are all doing. Sorry if I am not commenting much but I just don't know what to say anymore. You all have such useful ideas and pearls of wisdom for each other and I would feel like such a fraud because I am not in that place as yet to offer this out to others.
Anyway, my update:
I'm okay thanks, just feeling very worn down by everything. Backslid a little on the DB'ng front. Had some interaction with H when I invited him over for left over chicken pie a few weeks ago as I had made a ton and it is his favourite. But it was short notice and he couldn't make it that day but asked if he could come over the next day but I was busy so he invited me and D for lunch the weekend after but I declined. I didn't want him to think that every time I reach out he feels he has to arrange to take us out to lunch. He only asks if I reach out to him and D says she feels awkward anyway.
Then I felt guilty and invited him for coffee. All in all it went well until at the end I fell apart and asked him if he wants to meet again and he said maybe and he will let me know. But that just wasn't good enough for me. Amongst other things I asked him what his plans were going forward and he said he hasn't thought about it much!
Anyway we left it and the next day I was on the train so I texted him to say that I was disappointed with our meeting as I wanted it to be positive after not seeing each other for just over 3 months and he agreed but he said that I keep pushing when I don't hear what I want and that makes him close up even more. He said he realises that he can be better at communicating and that he will try to do better. I suggested maybe we could have a call maybe once or twice a week and he agreed but that was three weeks ago and nothing from him. So much for getting better with his communication!
When we met for coffee I gave him his card for his birthday which was at the beginning of this week. I happen to be on a four hour train ride to another city on his birthday which left at 06.20am. Just after I boarded I get a text from him to thank me for his card! He apologised for texting so early as he had an early start too. Wow, I don't think I would ever send anyone a text at that time of the morning unless it was an emergency!
Since then my lethargy with the whole sitch has ramped up to can't be a**ed levels. He says all he does is work and play hockey but I think he was just trying to make me feel better. I don't care. I'm not a 46 year old man who has abandoned his family, treats his wife like she doesn't exist and is trying to relive his youth. Instead I'm a 48 year old woman who is bringing up a teenager, holding down a full-time job and looking after a household but I know he doesnt see me like that. When I was asking him over for pie I mentioned that I was going to be getting the garden ready for winter and rather than asking if i needed any help he just told me good luck with that! He knows how much work our garden takes and I am only little yet he has no empathy whatsoever!
Funnily enough, when I met him for coffee D finished college early and asked me to pick her up (she is soo lazy!). I suggested she either comes to coffee with us or I drop her at the place we are meeting for coffee and she walks back home (only a 10 minute walk). She was not happy as that would mean either way she may have to see H but she opted for the walk back home option. When H saw her get out of the car his little face lit up. He came bounding over and first gave me a kiss hello and then D. Then she said 'bye' and left. I think he was a little disappointed that she didn't stay! Tough!
In other news. D is doing good at college and getting some really good results. When we got home yesterday out of the blue she got an e-mail from her real Dad after nearly 10 years! He wants to start reconnecting with her but the e-mail was worded very strangely. He is living in Japan now. I know, random, but its for work! It almost sounded like a native trying to converse in very polite English. We think that maybe he has a Japanese partner who has written it? Very weird! We are not sure what to make of it. I think D is quite chuffed (pleased) that he has taken the initiative to contact her but the email wording was weird. It started off by saying 'Hello this is (name)' - not Dad and then ' I guess it's time for you to get to know the other person'. All D's birthday cards are signed off with his name and not Dad which we are used to so no surprise, but why would he want to reconnect with D after all these years so she can get to know his partner/wife (if this is what he wants) when she needs to get to know him again first! She was about 7 when she last saw him!
Anyway work is very busy at the moment and D has started to plan her 17th birthday in December already! Life goes on I guess and I am starting to plan my exit off the train to crazyville before it arrives! I know I have hung on for dear life as it twist and turns on its journey and against everyone's advice but I realise I can't hold on for ever. Next stop, Rope Drop City!
Happy weekend everyone!! X
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
