Fighting my way out of the dark Part 5

[Zues126]

Hello, I'm sorry you're going through this. We're in your corner.

It seems you have to choose between being:

1) Being treated this way, disrespected, screamed at, attacked, blamed, abandoned, and told she wants a divorce and that you are the reason she is miserable in your life, and eventually watching her shack up with another guy, all while continually being an emotional punching bag.

2) Moving on without her and disconnecting from these destructive emotional dynamics.

Right now, you are choosing #1.

You are begging for scraps. You'd rather be abused by her (At least she's still in my life in some way! I'm still important to her if she's screaming at me!) than on your own.

We can rationalize it by 'standing for your marriage', but what you are really doing is enabling an addict. Here's a post I wrote a bit ago:

It helped me to think of my WW as a drug addict. For two reasons.

1) It was easy not to take it as personally. To have your life partner choose another man over you burns the soul. To watch someone addicted to meth leave their marriage and move into a flophouse where they can shoot up every night, well, it's easier to look at that objectively and compassionately and just understand she has an addiction and is powerless over it.

2) It makes it easier to set firm boundaries. When you think of her as your wife, lover, and life partner, and she is appealing to your emotions, it's hard not to be impacted. When you think of her as an addict that is simply saying whatever they need to say to try to enable the continuation of their addiction, it's easier to disengage and stick to the road you know you need to take.

Maybe it would be a better example to describe her as a gambling addict. A gambling addict will burn through your bank account, your 401K, your assets, and your credit lines if you let them. Well, a WW will burn through the 21 years of emotional good will she has built up. She will manipulate and use you and use you until either 1) you are emotionally bankrupt, or 2) you remove her as an authorized signer from your emotional account. This is why detaching is so critical.

Hopefully this helps you in your process of detaching the way it did me. It is time to cut her off, not to apply consequences, not to try to teach her a lesson, and certainly not to try to get her to hit rock bottom and come out of her fog (although if any of this helps her journey then as compassionate people of course we want that for her). But simply because I don't want you going along for a ride with her.

Remember, you can't expect her to let go of her addiction to OM if you can't let go of your addiction to her. Lead by example. Walk the walk. Detach. Go your own way. Be there for yourself. You have to fight your own battles now. She can't save you from your battles, and you can't save her from hers.

So I see your wife as an entitled addict and you as someone that wants to continue to enable her.

Easy for me to say now, but if I were in your spot I would absolutely detach, quit emotionally engaging with her, and take 100% charge of your own life. I'd file D. I'd get my finances in order. I'd just keep walking away and wouldn't look back.

I wouldn't talk about it. I wouldn't threaten it. Words are meaningless because she thinks she can stomp and you will always give in. Actions only. Walk away.

If, if, if, IF the day comes when she asks why, I wouldn't open an R conversation, I'd just say "there is nothing to discuss".

If, if, if IF she then begged and said she was sorry and wanted another chance, I'd just say "I'm not sure it's that easy anymore".

Why? Because those are just WORDS. She has been manipulating you with words for long enough. Look at her ACTIONS.

Now, if the day came when she expressed remorse and humility, and continued to express that even when it didn't immediately get her what she wanted, and weeks and months went by when she demonstrated consistent, steady, rational behavior that backs up whatever breakthrough she claims to have. Well, then I'd be open to hearing what she had to say.

This is the same thing as an addict. If an addict asks why you're cutting them off in an attempt to negotiate for more money or drugs, there is no conversation to be had. If they say they'll quit, they've said it before. Once someone shows me that their words are meaningless they will have to show me the results of a drug test showing me they are 28 days sober and the changes they've made in their life before I'm even willing to hear what they have to say.

In sum, the problem is that you haven't made the decision to stop accepting this.

If you're not strong enough to make a change, how can you expect her to be? Act with the character you wish she had. Be a leader for your family.