I thought it be would interesting to give you all some insight into the selfishness of my W.
She has our children this week and the company I work for bought a bunch of tickets to an amusement park. I can get them for free, including food vouchers so I know our girls would love to go.
So I sent my W an email this morning letting her know about them and since it is her week with them offering to get her tickets to take the girls.
Now, I am not a big amusement park person either but I am willing to go because I know my D's will love it.
So she responds back, with "Hi there, you know I am not a huge fan of the parks so you are welcome to have them".
I mean like really, it's not about you.
The good news is now I will have them and I will be taking them
hey, you know I'm on Team Joseph9.
And She is selfish, God knows. But to me, this^^^ is not a reflection of that.
(And it beats "Disneyland Mommy - who always has fun things to do! Not homework or dental appointments").
If YOU can get & use the tickets any time - why would she want to use her week for something she does not enjoy much, and or rely on you for the tickets?
So the girls are not missing anything by going another time, right?
I don't know which park you are referring to but in CA, the best holiday to go was Halloween. Man, I'd go with them and enjoy the he11 out of it.
For them, mostly but yeah, for some inner satisfaction for the petty parts of me...
Just a thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Saw my W for the first time this week last night at my D's soccer practice. I went to the gym before so I was wearing a tank and showed up looking jacked!
When I arrived she wasn't overly happy, talkative or engaging. Just sat in her lawn chair, either messing around on her phone or watching my D. I made some small talk here and there but for the most part was playing soccer with my youngest, doing my thing, acting happy and "as if". I probably only stood next to her and chatted for about 10 of the 50 minutes or so we were together.
Does me not acting a certain way have an effect on her? When she see's me acting happy, not pursuing her, asking questions, calling her, etc. does that make her mad? Does that cause them to act mad, etc. to see if they get some sort of reaction out of us? I am not talking about reconciling and her wanting to come back but if they are not getting the positive affirmation from the LBS how that impacts them emotionally? If we do not feed their ego's by pining away for them how does that change the thought process?
She definitely seems to be on a roller coaster of emotions which is pretty cool to observe from a distance. I feel like a Discovery Channel photographer in the wild observing the natural life of some wild animal.
Hi Don, wow you have been here for a long time . We appreciate you sticking around and offering us newbies your wisdom!
To be honest, I was gone for quite some time with only a quick return here now and then from about 2008 or 2009 until last year. I would stop in occasionally and still am FB friends with a few from 12 years ago but the reason I ended up coming back on a more regular basis was I was starting to wear out my real life friends, who didn't understand what I was going through anyhow. Not to scare you or others but I am not a good example of life goes on and you find someone else. My life actually is pretty great and I do very fine on my own but it's been 4 years since my last GF.
I've been divorced now for 11 years this month and have been in two relationships since - neither lasting much more than six months. I've gone out with, oh, I don't know a couple dozen women - many only one time. I pretty much gave up trying about 6 months ago. Interesting how I spoke to a group of nearly 100 people this past Tuesday, I clearly was in front of all of them, which is my comfort zone to be honest - I'd rather be in front of a group of 100 than in a group of 2 or 3 - but anyhow, in the past I would have scoped out to see if there is anyone I might be interested in - this time, I didn't even bother looking. I guess I really am detached and indifferent for the second time - W being the first. Then again, one of my clients is in a very small office with two office rentals and I noticed a new cutie has arrived. Notice was about all I've done though. Anyhow...
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So what happened? Why did she come back and then it ultimately failed? What would you have done differently?
I just wanted to answer this for you. What happened? I can't be positive. She clearly "was back" for a couple of months. Her behavior was night and day different but rather quickly it became obvious she was just going through the motions. It almost seemed like when her prior feelings didn't return immediately she gave up or at least pulled back. She also continued to work with her AP who she then later married - oh but "nothing happened until after we were divorced" - yeah, sure it didn't.
To be honest, it is for the best. She just never had the ability to be honest, that was clear. I did a whole bunch of things wrong - a whole bunch and I totally own up to them. But I was always honest about what I wanted and who I was. She started off the R by hiding the fact that she was very recently separated. She claimed her D was nearly final and they had been separated for well over a year. Not true. The truth was they were FIRST separated well over a year prior but then he came back. The last and final separation occurred in September - we met in November 1994. She claimed she was not at all interested in getting married again - until 6 months later when she started her campaign to marry me. She claimed she did not want more children. She had a D11 and S9 when we met and I went on to become as much of a parent as their real parents and still am in both of their lives. OTOH, she became pregnant again, on purpose, with the AP/new husband at the age of 46 or 47, miscarried and then adopted - much to the displeasure of her children. So she is now a grandmother of 3 - ages 4, 3 and 3 months and the mother of a special needs child age 4 as well. In fact, my step son's daughter's "aunt" is younger than she is by several months! So in the end, it was clear she wanted a different life - and most certainly wanted another child but was not willing to be honest with me about that. I really am better off without her but it has taken it's toll on me.
As to what I would have done differently, without a doubt the top of that list would have been to detach even more than I did. I did a fair job of it - obviously as it did bring her back for a time. However, I should have went beyond dark, not taken her calls, and really have moved on even more than I did. It may well have had a better effect on her and the situation. But, for all I know, I may have been the one leaving or at least not happy down the road years later.
I don't do high maintenance and she was much higher maintenance than she was willing to be honest about. I would have also gotten a better councilor for the R part. We actually had a very good C in skills but I think her own feelings got involved, she decided it would be best for W to D and rather than tell her that, when we asked for help in re-joining - she basically said, "well just do it," and then waited for things to fall apart and guided her to D.
Even after we were D'd, exW helped me do some things, shop to replace items she took from the home, etc. I was hospitalized and she came to see me every day - granted it was no real big deal and only lasted a few days but still. I was invited to family events with the kids - college graduation, etc. That abruptly stopped when she decided to buy a house with the AP and didn't at all want to tell me about it as she knew what I'd say - since it was what I said the night she dropped the bomb. From day one I said this guy was an AP, she continually denied it, and then married him. So much for the BS statistic that marriages that start off as affairs or even relationships that do, do not last. They have been married longer than we have at this point and with a 4 yr/o child, I'll bet it continues.
I do have a thread here if you want to find out more - although, fair warning, I don't post very much. I am headed over there now though to provide an update.
I do post now and then - mostly to those in surviving D but to a few others, like I did with you, as well. I'll keep watching what happens with you. Let's hope I'm right when I say that I think you have a decent chance.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Does me not acting a certain way have an effect on her? When she see's me acting happy, not pursuing her, asking questions, calling her, etc. does that make her mad? Does that cause them to act mad, etc. to see if they get some sort of reaction out of us? I am not talking about reconciling and her wanting to come back but if they are not getting the positive affirmation from the LBS how that impacts them emotionally? If we do not feed their ego's by pining away for them how does that change the thought process?
Joseph,
The answer to all of your questions is you're not detached. When you're detached, those questions won't be meaningful. Use those brain cycles to work on yourself.
The answer to all of your questions is you're not detached. When you're detached, those questions won't be meaningful. Use those brain cycles to work on yourself.
I have to agree with Doodler I think you are still looking for a reaction and that means your not detached. I get it I was doing the same thing 4 months ago.
When you say your "acting happy" does that mean you are happy or your pretending your'e happy?
I don't think I am acting (I feel like I am just being myself) but I know that I still have some work to do. I think I am making more of an observation than anything just because I have known her for 16 years. I guess the point is that if I was detached I wouldn't be asking these types of questions. I get that.
I think I am making more of an observation than anything just because I have known her for 16 years.
I get it, but again she is not the same person that you knew for the last 16 years. I am totally convinced now that they will never be that person again.
DBers use words like fog, MLC, limerence etc so they can put a label on why this is happening. I use to do the same thing. Took a MLC test online and answered the questions how I thought my wife would. Test came back she was MLC. Then I thought wow I just have to wait this out and she would snap out of it.
Sometimes people just change, grow apart or have different goals and values.
Is it unfair that one person gets to make the decision to break up a family for three other people? Absolutely! But my mother always use to tell me son life isn't fair.
Will there be consequences down the road for them? Fck yeah there will be and they will have to deal with them accordingly.
If I have learned one thing from this process it's that I will never ever again try to keep someone in my life that doesn't want to be in it.
Again boss, you are doing great just keep getting better everyday.
Man that's a great question. It's been actually 3 years since I moved out.
Positives: Got to spend 3 more years living as a family with my kids. I will never have to explain to my kids why I filed for divorce and can look my kids in the eye and say "dad made some mistakes in life, but dad did everything he could do to keep this family together.
Negatives Those three years were h$ll because I knew for the most part her heart wasn't into it. I guessing I would be in a very good place right now.
It's tough but I am of the mindset that everything is happening exactly the way it is supposed to happen so I try not to have any regrets.
