I feel guilty for not being on here more frequently. I used to be on here daily. Sometimes hourly. It seems my sitch is turning upwards but I have been so exhausted from the entire process. It's still very exhausting. There are moments where we both work hard to stay the course but we both have also thrown up our hands and said ugh maybe we should just let it collapse. It is hard work.

What is giving me strength is my counseling. I never thought I needed counseling. Not because of pride. Not because I am a man... I just thought I was aware of things and in many ways the biggest help I need is not being myself all the time the person that rescues her, the person that wants my W to address depression and her own insecurities. Counselor has done WONDERS in just snapping me out of things and getting me to focus on the main issue and how while I should be validated in my feelings that there is another path. And how my W does seem to give it a real shot.

But it is exhausting. I feel lucky (and guilty when I read so many others on here who have much harsher and harder situations to deal with) that my W went to basically wanting out and wanting to date others and blaming me for the PA and then denying it was turning into a relationship to basically recommitting to working on us early on, and slowly but steadily breaking contact. But it turned around pretty quick. Now we can focus on the real hard work.

She mentioned wanting to clean the master bedroom so she can move back in. Ever since we evacuated for Irma we haven't had a real moment to really clean and there is dust in there. She hasn't said I love you or is wearing her rings but told me she wants to learn to love herself first and doesn't just want to say it. I respect that. It is not always easy but she does show in subtle ways that she wants to stay together.

But I have valued other's input on here and hope that I will continue to find moments where I can check in and offer some help. I do think my sitch offers some nuances as to what to do when there is OM. I don't know what would have happened if I insisted she move out. I don't know what would have happened if I insisted NC. I definitely don't think me requiring her to show her phone would have helped (especially when she felt trapped). I think the best advice I can give is what is in DR and to especially pay lots of attention on what you observe. And to follow your gut.

Being aware and cognizant of your own flaws is a must.
Working to change those without pointing it out and asking anything in return is crucial.
Counseling even if IC is a must.

We humans make life overly complicated. There is a lot of damaged people walking around. Therapy can be very effective.

While I am exhausted I also am more convinced I love this woman. We are both trying to find a job so we can leave Florida. So that is another stress/burden/complication that reduces the time together. But we are making more efforts to check in.