Fighting my way out of the dark Part 5

[Holding]

Hey, I'm on a roll today!

In the situations where you would stop talking to her and withdraw, why were you doing that?

I'd reach a point in the disagreement where I didn't want to yell or say something offensive. I never did those things - I wanted to avoid them because I thought they were hurtful and unproductive. She went there, but I refused to.

What was the dynamic during the conversation, how would it end, and what was your goal in refusing to talk to her?

The convos would start out fairly civil, but things would slowly escalate. STBXW had a knack for always taking things to the next level. I'd eventually want to walk away because there were levels of arguing that I didn't want to go to.

I have seen this dynamic play out where one partner is angry and wants to punish the other to the point of making them break down or getting an emotional reaction out of them.

Yes, I think she definitely wanted an emotional reaction out of me. Maybe she wanted to see some passion. I felt like heated emotions wouldn't help us solve the issue.

If instead the person is emotionless or retreats, the antagonist can't get resolution and stays angry and resentful, which further drives the protagonist to continue the withdrawal.

YES YES YES YES YES YES!

If this describes your dynamic, it was actually your W who was the emotional abuser by pushing you beyond the point you were willing to engage. That's not respectful of your boundaries.

Holy sh1t, man! Why couldn't I have had this knowledge 21 years ago?

The other way this plays out is that one partner will come to the other with a very valid grievance, the other party will feel guilty and won't want to confront those feelings, and will just retreat and withdraw, and will then punish the other person with silent treatment in an attempt to train them not to confront them again.

In that scenario, the one withdrawing is acting inappropriately.

Honestly, I can't say I never did this. My W's grievances were mostly valid, and I suppose I was somewhat reluctant to discuss them at times. But I never withdrew to punish her or teach her a lesson. I was just honestly so hurt that I couldn't talk about it. I needed a "cooling off" period to get back in my comfort zone with her. Out of all the arguments we had over the years, I'd say at least 75% of them fit your first scenario.

Thanks for the insight, Acc.