Fighting my way out of the dark Part 5

[Holding]

Sandi, I'm finally getting around to responding. Thanks again for your comments. They've given me a lot to think about.

When this pattern continues, it tells me that that woman should have planned to just have a career, and not bring children into the world that she is not going to be there to raise. It made me angry when she suggested having another child, with no intentions of being there to care for it. Your comments actually reminded me of women who have too much burden on their shoulders and the man (who spends his time on the job) decides he wants to enlarge his family......without any consideration to the stress it will add to her. In this case, the roles have been reversed. But your answer sounded as if you were panicking at the thought of having another child (and I don't blame you)...b\c you were logically seeing how you would not have any help from the mother. She'd have the baby and hand it over to you. And her reason for wanting another child was so she could have a girl? I don't get why these women want kids when they don't want to take care of them.

To be fair, she never said she intended to just dump the baby on me. It was my interpretation of the future based on the past. But yes, she wanted a girl, the same way you might want a pony or a mercedes. She wasn't happy with what life had given her; it's like she had a list of things she NEEDED to accomplish in life. I've always thought of us (her family) as her dollhouse - something that you can open up, periodically look at, and be proud of. I haven't felt valued as a spouse.

If you read JRuss story, you may recognize you and your W. I was not able to help him, and I offended him in my attempt to get him to "toughen up" with his W. His response to me made me realize I had hit some tender spots.....or maybe it was bad timing, IDK.

I'll check out JRuss's threads. But just to reiterate, I'm not offended by your advice

I said all of that to say this....... if your W has always been on the "spoiled" side....where you, her parents, or someone catered to making her happier....only it never lasted or it wasn't enough? I would say the problem is in her. If she has had a sense of entitlement most (or maybe all) the time you've known her......then the problem is in her. If her having a bad attitude, giving the silent treatment or cold shoulder is pretty normal in the MR........then I think the problem is in her. It is rare to see this type of woman change as long as her H and parents cater to her. I believe she can change, but it would be very difficult for this H....after all this time has passed....to "tame the shrew", so to speak. If it had began at the first start of the relationship......it would have been easier. But now, IDK.

I think you may be right. She's always been very entitled. She wants what she wants, and she expects to get it. I knew this when I married her, but the difference was that, at the time, the thing she wanted was ME. For the first 5 years or so of our M, my FIL would often smile and say, "Thank you, Holding!" He was thanking me for taking her off his hands, and he'd do this in front of her. (Yes, there's a literal f*ckton of daddy issues here.)

I do not agree with your C about apologizing to your W! It would only add to her contempt for you. I think your C is just at a loss to tell you what to do about your MR.

Fair enough. Frankly, it's so sad that apologizing to someone causes them to have contempt for you. I'm done apologizing anyway. The last big one I wanted to get out there was for "robbing her of a daughter". Now it's over and done. I've said my piece.

It's very telling when you describe how much better you feel when the W is not there. I have to wonder why you want to continue living with someone who doesn't appreciate you.

I ask myself that too. It's easy to say I'm doing it for the kids, which makes me feel like I get to put a feather labeled "selfless" in my cap. But I think it comes down to a lack of self-confidence TBH, an issue that goes back to being bullied a lot as a kid. I've recognized this and am trying to get a better sense of self.

And I want you to know this, the SSM will not get better unless she has a major overhaul in her heart. She uses you and is not attracted to you. If you can't figure out why......then don't expect her to change for the better.

Thanks for setting me straight on that. Last week, my STBXW did say she needed someone to be more dominant in the bedroom; that she's dominant in other aspects of her life and wants someone to take the lead for ML. Not sure why she shared that with me - it's not useful info at this point.

JRuss once said I had not given him constructive advice in a post I sent, which is correct. We can't always give advice in every post. But hopefully, I've given you something to think about. And, if I am completely wrong about your W, please tell me b\c I really want to know.

Hey, as long as it's not dismissive or insulting, I welcome any and all feedback in my thread. I'm glad that anyone stops by to read and comment.

I think you're right about my STBXW. It wasn't all bad - there were good times and happy memories. But she was entitled, demanding, hard to please, and easy to anger.

Not sure why this popped into my head. I remember after we M but before S#1 came along, we were on the ferris wheel at a local fair. Looking out over everything, she had this amazing smile on her face. I remember thinking, why can't I make her feel that way?

Looking back, I can see so many red flags in our R, but I went ahead anyway. The blame for that falls on me. I didn't believe in myself enough to know I deserved better.