WAWWAW? Woul? Would Love Opinions. Thanks! Part 7

[DonH]

Hi Don, wow you have been here for a long time . We appreciate you sticking around and offering us newbies your wisdom!

To be honest, I was gone for quite some time with only a quick return here now and then from about 2008 or 2009 until last year. I would stop in occasionally and still am FB friends with a few from 12 years ago but the reason I ended up coming back on a more regular basis was I was starting to wear out my real life friends, who didn't understand what I was going through anyhow. Not to scare you or others but I am not a good example of life goes on and you find someone else. My life actually is pretty great and I do very fine on my own but it's been 4 years since my last GF.

I've been divorced now for 11 years this month and have been in two relationships since - neither lasting much more than six months. I've gone out with, oh, I don't know a couple dozen women - many only one time. I pretty much gave up trying about 6 months ago. Interesting how I spoke to a group of nearly 100 people this past Tuesday, I clearly was in front of all of them, which is my comfort zone to be honest - I'd rather be in front of a group of 100 than in a group of 2 or 3 - but anyhow, in the past I would have scoped out to see if there is anyone I might be interested in - this time, I didn't even bother looking. I guess I really am detached and indifferent for the second time - W being the first. Then again, one of my clients is in a very small office with two office rentals and I noticed a new cutie has arrived. Notice was about all I've done though. Anyhow...

So what happened? Why did she come back and then it ultimately failed? What would you have done differently?

I just wanted to answer this for you. What happened? I can't be positive. She clearly "was back" for a couple of months. Her behavior was night and day different but rather quickly it became obvious she was just going through the motions. It almost seemed like when her prior feelings didn't return immediately she gave up or at least pulled back. She also continued to work with her AP who she then later married - oh but "nothing happened until after we were divorced" - yeah, sure it didn't.

To be honest, it is for the best. She just never had the ability to be honest, that was clear. I did a whole bunch of things wrong - a whole bunch and I totally own up to them. But I was always honest about what I wanted and who I was. She started off the R by hiding the fact that she was very recently separated. She claimed her D was nearly final and they had been separated for well over a year. Not true. The truth was they were FIRST separated well over a year prior but then he came back. The last and final separation occurred in September - we met in November 1994. She claimed she was not at all interested in getting married again - until 6 months later when she started her campaign to marry me. She claimed she did not want more children. She had a D11 and S9 when we met and I went on to become as much of a parent as their real parents and still am in both of their lives. OTOH, she became pregnant again, on purpose, with the AP/new husband at the age of 46 or 47, miscarried and then adopted - much to the displeasure of her children. So she is now a grandmother of 3 - ages 4, 3 and 3 months and the mother of a special needs child age 4 as well. In fact, my step son's daughter's "aunt" is younger than she is by several months! So in the end, it was clear she wanted a different life - and most certainly wanted another child but was not willing to be honest with me about that. I really am better off without her but it has taken it's toll on me.

As to what I would have done differently, without a doubt the top of that list would have been to detach even more than I did. I did a fair job of it - obviously as it did bring her back for a time. However, I should have went beyond dark, not taken her calls, and really have moved on even more than I did. It may well have had a better effect on her and the situation. But, for all I know, I may have been the one leaving or at least not happy down the road years later.

I don't do high maintenance and she was much higher maintenance than she was willing to be honest about. I would have also gotten a better councilor for the R part. We actually had a very good C in skills but I think her own feelings got involved, she decided it would be best for W to D and rather than tell her that, when we asked for help in re-joining - she basically said, "well just do it," and then waited for things to fall apart and guided her to D.

Even after we were D'd, exW helped me do some things, shop to replace items she took from the home, etc. I was hospitalized and she came to see me every day - granted it was no real big deal and only lasted a few days but still. I was invited to family events with the kids - college graduation, etc. That abruptly stopped when she decided to buy a house with the AP and didn't at all want to tell me about it as she knew what I'd say - since it was what I said the night she dropped the bomb. From day one I said this guy was an AP, she continually denied it, and then married him. So much for the BS statistic that marriages that start off as affairs or even relationships that do, do not last. They have been married longer than we have at this point and with a 4 yr/o child, I'll bet it continues.

I do have a thread here if you want to find out more - although, fair warning, I don't post very much. I am headed over there now though to provide an update.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2762516&page=1

I do post now and then - mostly to those in surviving D but to a few others, like I did with you, as well. I'll keep watching what happens with you. Let's hope I'm right when I say that I think you have a decent chance.