Eventually, I realized that even when I did everything that XH wanted me to do, it still wasn't enough.
Agreed. Even now, it seems every contact we have it is because I did something that is perceived as 'wrong'. I know that I make mistakes still, but I also know that I am doing a heckuva lot of things correctly and those are not addressed.
Originally Posted By: dream
He had to go down his path and do things his way. I think it takes time to accept that and believe it to be true.
It's so difficult, because I want to understand things that I know I never will. I want to apply logic and reason to a situation which defies it. Ive come to just accept that there are questions whose answers I'll never know. And even if I were to get those answers, they probably wouldnt be enough to actually achieve some level of understanding.
Originally Posted By: dream
You've learned all of those answers by going through this experience. Because of the pain, you will work harder to ensure that it doesn't happen again. By keeping the conversations going with your GF and checking in with her to have those deeper conversations from time to time, you two can stay on the same page and work through things together.
Thats the plan!
Originally Posted By: dream
One thing that helped me as I was getting married the second time was knowing that if it all happened again, I will be OK.
Thats an outstanding point. I dont know that it would be easier...but it's certainly something I can handle and I know I have the tools to deal with it if it comes to that.
Originally Posted By: dream
I learned from my XH that marriage is work and it does not mean we will be together forever. While that is the goal, I can only control myself. I work hard on my marriage. I try to express my thoughts and feelings even when they aren't good. Communication really is the key.
It is absolutely work. Luckily, as I was going through the divorce, I learned a lot about who I was and how my choices affected my partner. And I worked hard to change the fundamental way that I looked at lots of things.
Originally Posted By: dream
What if she said, "I will do my best to work things out with you in our relationship" or something to that effect?
She has certainly said things similar to this many times as well. I know that any hangups that I have are based on XW and not on anything that I believe to be true about GF.
Originally Posted By: dream
Also, don't judge your GF based on what your XW did.
Easier said than done
Originally Posted By: dream
Are you sure she doesn't care if you get married or not? I'm wondering why she would tell you she'll never cheat or that she sees you 2 together forever, if marriage isn't something that she would like.
Her mind has absolutely changed. When we first met, that was her stance, but now, she has made it quite clear that she expects to at least be engaged in the fairly near future. Im not sure that Im ready, but Im also not sure exactly what Im waiting for!
Originally Posted By: dream
Something else to consider - your kids. Remember that you are their role model. I wonder what they will think if they see you continue to live with your GF without getting married. How may it affect them in the long run? Have you talked with them about the idea of you and your GF getting married?
This is a very good point that I hadnt really considered. I have talked with them a little, and Im sure that they would be onboard. They sometimes already call her their stepmom. But I do need to consider how not being married might impact them.
