My ex and his wife feel I should be so far over this whole affair breaking up the family thing that if I would mention some triggers I would get laughed at by ex and he would think I am still holding on. I do not hold onto him, but unfortunately since the beginning of time from my babies birth, it has been shoved in my face and not something I can hide from. I would hide so far away from it if I could. But I make the best out of a crappy situation. But they aren't very good with boundaries.
His wife isn't making a play for my D10. They like their minimum time. She has a demanding career (which she had to tell me in conversation about her sister) and ex gets home too late and he has his volleyball and game to play on his phone. I offered more time and he didn't want it unless I moved our D to his school district. Yeah, unbelievable. They just want the accolades.
Yes, She is good to my D. She will never have kids of her own and this is her parents grandchild, her stepchild, ect.
I love my D to death and being a mother is my passion. It does beome a catch 22 though. I don't have family help. My D is still young. So there is only so much me time. She goes to PT with me 2 out of the 3 days a week. Soon, she will do dance on Wednesdays. I can't do much more for myself, she tags along to a lot already. She needs to just be home some nights. I fill up my non parenting time the best I can with activities.
I have been separated/divorced, as long as I with my ex. 9 years with him, 9 years without. Most of my adult life thus far doing this gig alone. The truth is, if I didn't have D I would be so far out of this state right now. travel nursing, or living somewhere not so expensive. I feel trapped, I want to leave, I want to start over, but I can't take her away from her dad.
I am on AD's. I had went off when seeing my last BF, then I sunk into an awful depression like I never felt before when we broke up. I increased my AD's. I have always taken something to sleep as I have always had trouble sleeping. My sleeping isn't as awful as it used to be.
My IC always credits me to doing what I need to do to overcome my funks or get through my depression. But I feel at a dead end here. This injury, although not life-threatening has taken a HUGE toll on my emotional state. Exercising helped me feel alive. I let my aggression out. My endorphins went up. I was occupied. I felt better. I was really feeling hopeful and better as I was just coming out of my deep depression when I began volleyball. I was a part of a team, I was socializing, it was great. I had something to look forward to. To get knocked out this way was a true blow. And working in this job where I am not being challenged and not really having contact is rough.
I lost some good weight last year, was in great shape, overcame my foot surgery nicely. I just don't feel good about myself. For some reason men find my body very attractive. It's weird, because I don't, lol.
I am so depressed because where I am is not for lack of effort. Not for lack of appreciating what I have. not for lack of making a bad situation into the most tolerable one I can and one that has my D10's best interest on the forefront. All of that becomes a very heavy load to bear alone.
I have a lot of love to give. I also have a lot of room to receive it. I am ready to openly receive it as plentiful as I give it. I have been trying to get the enthusiasm up to online date, but I can't find it. I have been so disappointed by my experiences.
I just know something has got to give. I need help from a higher power. I can't do it alone anymore.
