still struggling

[25yearsmlc]

previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2736945&page=11

My WAW and S17 went on a college visit overnight, about 5 1/2 hours away, and left my S there to stay with a friend for the weekend. I was nervous about how the weekend was going to go, but it was great.

I was agreeable and pleasant without being a doormat. For instance, because of her, we got separated from our tour group, and instead of getting angry or upset, I just took it in stride.

jim, you did get angry - you just did not verbalize it. You punished her, you Let her get wet, even when she tried to stay dry. To me, that's not kind behavior. Being a gentleman is not doormat behavior so I'm not sure what the point was

(other than teaching her a lesson about not bringing an umbrella?)

Do you think it might be passive aggressively showing your anger? I'm asking

BUT, when it started raining, I didn't share my umbrella, and just let her get wet. Didn't make a big deal of it, just opened the umbrella and kept walking with the tour.

I kind of laughed when you wrote^^^ that you 'didn't make a big deal of it."

Big deal of what? Not sharing your umbrella?

Jim, you gotta look at this and let this^^ sink in.

She kind of sidled up to me to stay dry, but didn't ask to share and I didn't offer. I also let her know at which hotel I'd booked a room, but didn't offer to share.

I let her know beforehand I didn't want to discuss financing college on the trip because I didn't want either of us to get pissed off and be stuck in a car together for 5 1/2 hours. The three of us had a nice drive up, but I was kind of dreading the ride back with just the two of us in case she insisted on talking about money but she respected my wishes.

The trip was good for a couple of reasons. It was nice spending time with S and W. As we were driving home, she even said she missed the person I had been over the weekend.

And again this morning, I texted her to say I enjoyed our trip, and if she wanted to discuss financing, we could get together today, and she responded by saying "I miss the you that was with us this weekend."

Did you ever respond to those comments?

Positive experience for my S. He loved the school and wants to go there.

BUT, it was a nice reminder of what a pain in the ass she could be (for example, she was 3 hours late picking me up.


so YOU did not have a good weekend? I'm honestly confused.


My 180 was to just take it in stride and not be angry.) and how, in some ways, I'm better off without her.

but there is so much score keeping and resentment going on, it's not really taking "it in stride", is it?

Anyway.... the financing college issue.... if we meet today to discuss financing, I intend to listen and validate her point of view, but insist that I have a different one, that is equally valid.


So you will "listen and validate BUT insist that...a different one"\

which means you are not listening. You are only waiting for her to pause before you can insert and assert your already held position.

She's going to want me to pay for most of our kids' college, and I'm going to explain that I'm willing to pay 50%,

Aside from mind reading, do you make more money than she does? If so, is she insane to want a proportional contribution?

I'm not sure if a court can force you to pay for college. But your kids know who earns what, don't they?

I am sorry to say I agree with you that this is mostly about you punishing her (under the guise of "showing her the consequences of her failure" = her hurting you).

You are right to see this as a pattern. I don't want to beat a dead horse.

I applaud your personal bravery in looking inward, which is where life's journey really is.




but I will do it in the most validating way possible.