Vent Fest

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Ginger1]Since I had to cancel my IC this week, I thought I would journal as this has been my journal for so many years. This past weekend was really nice. Apple picking was fun, we went out to lunch and then shopped the next day. We also baked both days.

My depression is taking over again, which pretty much stinks. Not as bad as the last time, but it is evident.

okay so you were outdoors and you had a good time. Not to project (too much, anyhow) but are you affected by the daylight issue?

Also, at the DivorceCare group I attend (which is national), they have chapters on loneliness and anger and depression, etc. I really recommend it (the videos can be heavy handed on the religion part but the group discussions and socializing we do, is mostly what I get out of it.)

Even though I'm pretty self aware and see a great T, I still learn a lot at group and the people who are ahead of/behind me, help me with insights. Some are many years down the road, and some are raw and reeling - in your shoes from 9 years ago. God, hurts just to think of them, let alone see them.

But it helps them and that helps us all.

IT's also very sociable and the fact that they all "get it", helps a great deal. They took me out for my 36th wedding anniversary b/c I just could not be around my married siblings and friends. I love them but - on that night, no thanks. The divorceCare people were incredibly supportive.

Anyhow, I did not see myself as "depressed" or lonely. I have people within an hour of here, some within 15 min and I do get out.

But there are things I do NOT do which I should and need to do. Still don't address a bunch of Gross Div Crap (GDC) and I ignore papers I must attend to. My job search came to a silent inactivity and I'm not lazy - but paralyzed. WTF?

That's^^ a form of depression, and there are days when there is nothing scheduled and if not for my dog, I would not get outside.

As for loneliness, there are definitely times. Yet I shudder at the thought of having to share my new place with a guy I did not "grow up" with.

All i am sure of, is that 1) I have never regretted going out to GAL even though I have often barely chosen to do so,

and

2) there is an intangible value in being alone, for me, for now. Since the age of 19 I was a fiancee, wife and or a mother. I'm still a mom but there are no kids under my roof.

Maybe - maybe - you are living your life as if the times alone are simply breaks between your mothering, so there's not really a separate life for you as "Ginger, the woman."

What would that look like? If d10 went away for a year (and putting aside the horrors of that just for a minute), can you say what you'd do?








I am going to bed when my D is going to bed because I just don't want to be awake and alone. I don't want to sit with my own thoughts in solitude. So I go to bed. What else am I going to do? Energy to clean is zapped. TV is fine sometimes, reading is fine sometimes, but I just don't want to be alone with my own thoughts.


- when we are alone too much we can get into negative spirals and being "alone with your own thoughts" is exactly that. (Also discussed at the divorecare class).

I have had some sh1tty racing thoughts at night. NOT cool. Not healthy. My T suggested I get a sleep aid and consider maybe AD's.

For the winter, at least, it's worth considering. Any thoughts on that for you?