I understand, the analogy.... what happens if you are both on the same team ?
You might want to read pursuit and distance thread as well as Divorce Remedy and the Sex Starved Marriage books.
You have started to distance yourself and your wife is pursuing you. If you explain all this to her she is likely to think you are trying to trick her.
My biggest problem is that after so long of having zero intimacy and believing that I "fancy the pants off of her", I made a decision to separate. In our discussion I backed down and promised to give her a chance (I am an honourable man so I will and throw body and soul into it).....but I don't know that I want her to succeed..... how do you know if you have fallen out of love with someone ?.... is it that I have been so scared I can't trust her ? or have I mentally moved on ?
Well regarding falling out of love -- you didn't used to feel about her the way you feel now, so that should prove to you that feelings can change.
You should definitely use a telephone coach to help you navigate this, it's important to have reasonable expectations about turning things around.
One thing that can be helpful is to have a non-escalation agreement. What that means is that you will mirror what your W does, but you won't try to take things up a level. If she kisses you, you'll kiss her back, if she hugs you, you'll hug her back. That way she can work on building up intimacy without fearing that she's going to unleash a dragon.
There are many things like that you can do, and getting help is going to make a big difference.
You do need to be clear, however, that if she agrees to something you expect her to either follow through, or raise a conversation with you if she changes her mind so you can talk about it, but that just not following through without a word isn't going to work for you.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Probably I should "man up" again.... I promised to give her a chance so I must............but what if this is a waste of time and I don't want what she may be able to give me ?
You mentioned that you are trying the DB telephone coaching, right? This is an excellent question for your DB Coach.
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My wife says she wants to fix things. Its only been a week but so far, she talks the talk but does not walk the walk. We agreed to kiss goodnight.... I have to do that. I started to give her an occasional cuddle.... she no longer recoils but it is still me giving her a cuddle.etc etc ask specifically for some reciprocity. Not you "demanding" it, in a robot way, but that you need to feel desired.
My biggest problem is that after so long of having zero intimacy and believing that I "fancy the pants off of her", I made a decision to separate. In our discussion I backed down and promised to give her a chance (I am an honourable man so I will and throw body and soul into it).....but I don't know that I want her to succeed..... how do you know if you have fallen out of love with someone ?.... Over the years, the phrase "fallen in/out of love" has often struck me as...well...lacking choice. And I think love is always, at least partly, a choice. An act of will.
We choose to love our spouses (and our children for that matter), even when they are not behaving in a lovable way. Even when we don't "feel" loving. God knows you have been choosing to stay m to this woman for some time. I'm betting you had reasons other than fear.
Perhaps your w sensed a shift in you and the distance woke her up. I don't know. Just my gut says you have a wife who is willing to work on exactly what you say bothers you in the m. Most people here would give anything to be in your shoes.
is it that I have been so scared I can't trust her ? or have I mentally moved on ?
That's what I mean re : masturbation.... in all of the bad times I just "manned up" and sorted my self out. Not ideal but it is a coping strategy.....now I'm lost. Probably I should "man up" again.... I promised to give her a chance so I must............but what if this is a waste of time and I don't want what she may be able to give me ?
how would this^^^ be any different from committing to another woman? Every relationship we enter could be a "waste of time".
As for what "She may be able to give me", well, I don't know specifically what you mean, but you know it was once satisfying to you.
But it also sounds as if the expectations were created so that it had be "very very varied" and "adventurous." That is a lot to keep up.
What about just "lovingly coupling"? Yes I mean have sex, but perhaps not at quite so high a bar.
Just a thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I agree "... every relationship could be a waste of time" and also that "lovingly coupling" would be a sensible objective…… thank you, that is helpful.
I only mentioned the past “….very very varied….” as background, I don't expect to relive the past..... That's not what I have missed.... I've missed affection and intimacy.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Please forgive me, I am throwing this out there as a possibility, and I really don't mean to scare you.....
Is it possible she has been unfaithful? I have friends who have been unfaithful and can no longer have sex with their husbands. Once they had the A, they shut of intimately towards their H's. Especially the part about where you said she used to recoil when you would cuddle. That isn't a physical thing. There is something psychological going on there.
I feel bad for planting this possibility in your head, but do you feel it is a possibility?
