Since I had to cancel my IC this week, I thought I would journal as this has been my journal for so many years. This past weekend was really nice. Apple picking was fun, we went out to lunch and then shopped the next day. We also baked both days.
My depression is taking over again, which pretty much stinks. Not as bad as the last time, but it is evident. I am going to bed when my D is going to bed because I just don't want to be awake and alone. I don't want to sit with my own thoughts in solitude. So I go to bed. What else am I going to do? Energy to clean is zapped. TV is fine sometimes, reading is fine sometimes, but I just don't want to be alone with my own thoughts.
Tonight D10 is going with her dad after 10 days straight with me. Tonight after PT I am going out to dinner with friends, tomorrow night, baking apple stuff with a friend, Saturday is D10's pediatrician apt an a football game and volunteering, and sunday is a winery with some good friends I haven't seen in a while. I should be busy and less depressed.
I really do hope the ex leaves the wife home for my D10's doctors appt. She is with him, but I go every year, so I am meeting them there. There are some places she doesn't belong. On that note, ex and I were working out D10 schedules and he always says "WE have her on this day" and "YOU have her on this day". It is a huge trigger for me every time he says "We have her" or it's "our day" It's a reminder of what they did and how they became a we with my daughter. It hurts.
Weight watchers unfortunately isn't working very well. And I am hungry. I even cut out my nightly wine. So basically everything that brings me joy is gone, haha! And for what?!
I applied for my job, the application is currently under review. I am praying I get this.
I just move through my days. That's all I can do. Horrible feelings of being unlovable take over. Everyone I thought cared for me has left me. Didn't give a second thought when it came to maybe putting in a bit of effort. It hurts. There is this single dad of D10's classmate. His wife completely left him with their 2 kids. He posted something on FB the other night that resonated with me. " The easy part is finding someone to love. The hard part is finding someone to love you" It's true for me. I have loved 3 men in my life. Two of them said they loved me. But I didn't feel loved by either. Both ran for the hills when they had to give an ounce and I couldn't hold up the relationship single handedly. One of them I married and had a child with. The one I did feel loved by never said it, and left me and began dating another woman. Funny how things work.
