Hi everyone, been a while. It's a long weekend public holiday here so i intend to catch up with how everyone is doing, 4 days off ....kind of.

For the past few months life has been about work and not much else, I have been working 6-7 day weeks and am really tired, so this long weekend is very welcome.

A few weeks ago I flew down to South Island to see S23, spent 4 really lovely days with him and his g/friend. He talked about wanting me to move nearer to him, saying s20 has had me long enough, now it's his turn awwww. Where He lives is a really beautiful part of the world and I can see myself living in the area, so I am thinking perhaps 1 more summer season where I am and then move nearer to S23 after Easter next yr .....but for those who know me here, my plans change often !! All part of the self discovery journey I suppose.

S23 did bring up the topic of his dad, it was hard to hear some of it but I was happy that he felt he could talk to me openly. Things are not all rosy between them, s is unhappy about how his dad treats him, feels at the bottom of his priority list once again. He said they did not speak for a while and then his d visited him and broke down about how he has messed up again and it kills him to think he has lost his sx2 by his actions, s23 decided to give him another chance but since then it has not been plain sailing and now both s tell me that if h gets another woman and expect them to play happy families with them then they are done with him, as neither of them want a repeat of the last OW treatment, it's sad but I respect that they are old enough to make up their own minds.

S20 moved down to his dad's last weekend, s23 and I predict 6-8 week before he is back lol. The move down went ok but 4 days later, totally out of the blue h emailed me ...........

For those who don't know my story and are reading this; h walked out on me for the second time 11 months ago and he has not spoken to me since that day.

His email was regarding s20 and saying that things have not got off to a good start, s failed to get up and go to a course, has not made any effort to job hunt and has a terrible attitude. He went on to say that he wanted me to know that he did not encourage or instigate this move only offered support and a room to get him started off. He said it's purely selfish but as he is already the anti-Christ he did not want me to think he was deliberately causing me more hurt by talking him in to the move.

He then added a bit of "hope your well " stuff and signed off, Love Me x as he always has in the past.

As you can imagine it was a bit of a shock to see it in my inbox. Felt very queasy opening it, waiting for the hurt to jump out at me.

I wrote a reply, slept on it and then as I was still happy with what I had written so I sent it. Basically started of jokey about s20 and then told him that I did not presume he had instigated the move, I feel it came from s having had a good time when he was down with him last and H's crazy female friend meddling by getting s to move down as she felt that s and h needed to be nearer to each other.

I wrote" I want to correct something you wrote - you are not and never have been the anti Christ, I do believe I said to you that I will always be here for you if you need me, I really mean that. Sure I feel deep sadness that we have ended up this way, I never imagined we would, I miss you from my life, I have gone from being your world to non exsitent, that has been hard to come to terms with and honestly I still don't understand any of this, but tis what it tis. We will always be connected by our children and even though they are older, if you ever have concerns you want to share I am happy to listen.

I signed off that I hope this finds him well and he has got to grips with his job now.

He replied later that morning a long email, chatty about his job and saying how annoyed he is to know his female friend has meddled in something she knows nothing about and that he does not speak to her very often these days so he is not sure why she has done this. He then thanked me for correcting him about his anti Christ comment, that he did not imagine or expect that I would stand by my statement still. Then he continued:

" my turn for a correction. You have not gone from my world to non exsitent, not in any way. You are in my thoughts regularly, I care how you are, how things are going for you. I'm aware my actions suggest otherwise, but it's the truth. You have been a part of my life longer than anyone outside of my parents/brother, that won't ever go away.

He then mentioned finances, to clarify what he still owes me. Signed off as usual.

I replied this evening with " thank you for your correction on my comment, you are in my thoughts regularly too. Thank you for breaking the scilence, it's been genuinely nice hearing from you" I continued with answering the finance questions and ended it on a light note about s20.

I don't expect anything more from him, it actually has given me a little peace, I got to say to him what I wanted him to know and now I feel happier in myself. I am also pleased that the scilence has been broken, it's still only him that can contact me, but at least if I do have a major problem with one of the boys it won't be so awkward contacting him if the situation requires it.

I know that he really did not need to contact me about s20, there has been plenty go on with both boys over the past year that he did not feel the need to talk to me about, I am not daft enough to think this s purely about s, I don't know what his motives are yet, good or bad, they have yet to be revealed. Perhaps it's testing the waters to see how much I hate him and will I drag his backside through court if he files for d, or maybe he is having a lonely moment, or even just felt the need to check up on me, who knows, what I do know is that I have been at this long enough now to not read anything in to anything that comes from his direction!!

So your up to date with my world, I have nothing planned for my long weekend, I was going away camping but unfortunately staffing problems at work means I have to pop in to work for a couple hrs on sat and sun to get some balloon orders ready.

Love and hugs to you all, I will catch up with you at the weekend xxx