Trying to stay above water 2

[25yearsmlc]

So I made an appt with a lawyer. I see her in a week. That was the soonest I could get in. I had a conversation with H. I told him I suspected it was his pride that was making him stay away. He said I told him my friends told him to be let him rot and he will eventually come crawling back. Which is a complete lie. I would never say that neither would any of my friends. Anyways he is always talking about my pride. So I looked at it differently and thought what if he was projecting onto me what he thought of him self. So I mentioned it. I said he believes his pride would be wounded if he came back. That people would think of him as weak. (He likes to be seen as having his sh.t together) and that that would not be the case. Only the people that didn't care about him might think like that. That there is no winning or losing in a relationship. There are no scoreboards. I said but I can't make him see things he doesn't want to see.

Hen, stop these^^^ talks. Your words are hollow to him, and probably tiring. It is Not helping you.

Backing off is about the only thing you can DO, and it speaks so much louder than all these conversations wherein you are trying to convince him to stay in the r.

He does not want to be in the r, right now. The more you speak of it, the less meaningful your words.

The more you challenge his choices, the more he defends (and cements) them.

Talking about his pride is so not helpful. He's not going to slap his forehead later on, pondering it, and say "yes, that's right! I should rid myself of my pride and crawl back to her."

it's the same as telling him how and why he's wrong to want out. It's just not effective at all. He's fleeing faster.

I feel as if you are reverting to the same behavior. Not sure why. Maybe something to look at?



And then he said he was working and very very busy and had to go. So I know by his actions I have hit the nail on the head.

No I think the opposite. I don't think you hit the nail on the head at all. I think he cannot stand these discussions and wants them to stop, enough that he walks out.

Now how do I work around that?

you don't. you stop ALL the focus on trying to control him, and stop trying to control the results of this. It's the same old, same old.

Work on you.

He keeps asking me to provide a budget and what I want out of the divorce. Is this the point where I give up? It seems pointless now. Looking for advice how to deal with someone who's pride is everything. Thanks.

Hen, it's not about giving up on the marriage; it's about giving up on trying to make him see something or make him choose differently.

Table the legal matters as best you can without tipping him off. You "need time to process and get past the holidays", etc

then make a plan.

this indecision and fear are HARD things to deal with. God, I know. But you can. You really can.

And as I said, it's not the same as "giving up" on the r.

It's giving up the need to control him, and to solely work on your life