Contact from the dark side.

[Irish M]

It is good that she is seeing a therapist. Is this a new development?

Hi OwnIt
She has been telling me about therapy for over a year now. Fist time she said it was online via skype. Not sure how that would work out. This time it was going to see one on Thursday. An appointment. So hopefully they see what's going on and help her. Only if she tells them everything.

# don't let her meet the girls alone without having met her first to assess where she is at and what her approach will be
# when ye meet, set yourself the hard target to not react to her. Let her talk as much as possible. Don't judge her, correct her or put her in her place. Hold your tongue. This will let her finish what she has to say and not get sidetracked reacting to your reaction.
# at the end thank her for opening up and say you want to consider what she said and you will get back to her.
# eliminate the thinking that this will be or is the sane old white again and again. Have an open mind.
# try interpret what she really means. By this I mean that maybe she will attack you or look for pity but she could have a good intention behind a bad communication.

excellent advice Roist. glad you posted this. its always good to read to keep me in check.
I replied to a text of hers today and i feel i said a little too much. I'll write the details below. I need to really let her talk. No point in being defensive. it was all said long ago.

Remember, the more she talks, rambles, babbles, the more information you will have to make a reasonable assessment of next steps for Ds. Much is revealed in their endless rambles.

Hi Bttrfly. yes rambling would be good on her end. I was also told by a friend that I should validate. Just repeat word for word that she says. So she says it and I repeat it so she can hear it again.

If she is still in a place of blame shifting, her seeing D's may not be a good idea. I know there was nothing more painful to me than my mother blaming me for adult problems.

You will get a sense of whether or not she is ready to take accountability. Or at least if she is on the path to it. But until she is, I wouldn't be facilitating a meeting and "helping" her like she asks.

You continue to absolutely amaze me. I would have had her blocked from my phone by now and only entertained email to an account just for her to email and to check it when I see fit. You are a better person than I.

Hi Ginger, I agree 199% .I will not open the doors for a meet up with the girls if I see she's not stable. if this meet up happens. I have a feeling it will not be as easy for either of us.
The girls, I will shelter them from this for now.

Oh, I've blocked her multiple of times when she goes off and i need to protect my sanity.
I have her on a texting App only. Not phone number and no messenger. Email is only my home email. Gmail account. My personal email and work she is blocked.

Like most MLCer's she's afraid of being judged and rejected because deep down, she knows what she's done and doesn't have a clue to repair the damage.

I think your response was spot on and let's see what transpires after Thursday. My guess is she's not ready to face any of you.

yes.. I will let her ramble and I have that gut feeling as well job, she will not be ready to meet.
i say that but below is today's messages and I was very surprised what she says.

Put feelings aside and keep your thinking cap on. Do the poker face process it later, if anything happens - which I don't think it will.

Its tough. I feel I will have a poker face but this is the first time I will see her in over 2 years.. face to face alone. The last time I was in the same room with her was in mediation. No eye contact and she did not once look at me. might as well not been there.

When was the last time you actually seen her?

really seen her.. Over 2 years. that we talked and made eye contact.
Mediation doesn't count, that was January 2016

the girls it was Aug 4 2015.

Reading the exchange I picked up on what job said. She is terrified of being judged/rejected probably more so from the girls than from you but I am thinking its death by firing squad or hanging ... neither sounds fun.
The fact she is putting the weight of meeting you on her therapist should tell everyone she is not ready, but the good news is she seems to be at least sorting through some issues, although I am guessing in her head if Irish did this or Irish did that she would not be in this sitch so yeah ... I would hold fast till the Blame Game stops and she actually starts to look inward for solutions.

yes, she isn't one to face her mistakes. Even prior MLC she would avoid.
I'll see if her therapist decides. No clue what the therapy is about. Is it the loss of her kids, her demons haunting her or like she said over a year ago. Therapy to find herself. All seem to make her look inside. If she does the work

She seems to be judging herself as well and she can see her life has gone downhill a lot
and that you may not approve of her or allow her in the lives of the girls

Yes i picked up on this too. i will protect them as teens. As adult, they will have me as support.
If i don't approve of her i can;t see the girls approving either. She's in a tight spot. We will see how she plays it out.

In my opinion, it may be best to let her hit a real bottom if she is using
not to help until she is clean- she is telling you- her life is a mess, so we can only guess what she has become

I agree. My communication will be open for a while. If it gets back to her monstering well i will go dark again and let her spin alone.

I know you’ve detached but it pains me to read this.

It’s just so, so sad...and infuriating.

Yes very much so Gordie. that urge to shake her comes and goes at moments like this. But this site has guided me well to hold back.


well today i was in meetings all day. Got out at 5pm and opened the app that she can message me. I get this

You know Irish, I am starting to see what I did wrong. I know I did things that hurt you and you never deserved that. I never cheated on you by the way. I waited until I moved out. I know as well why I did what I did. I can't change the past.

well, I don't know why she needs to tell me she never cheated. Sadly that statement was false. Still lying or trying to anyway. And all the ^^ above, I heard before . The last time she popped her head out in the spring. lasted a few days then poof. Back in her cave with puff the magic dragon.

I replied.

I'm happy you can acknowledge it now. As for your cheating I tend to remember different but it doesn't matter. You did what you did and chose that life. Can't change the past.

I know.. there was no point in pointing that out. That she did cheat. but.. I did get a response that I wasn't expecting.

you are right. I am sorry. I felt like I was in a dark place with you. I was dying or at least I felt like I was dying. Why I cheated on you?? I don't know. I need to find that out.I know I needed to feel alive. I will talk about this to me therapist. have a good day

I left it at that. I think if she is going Thursday she will have a lot to talk about.

thanks again guys. I really appreciate this more than I can ever say.