Rebuilding my life #3

[lcause]

I'm so jealous of others who have no OMs or OWs to deal with. It literally seems impossible to recon unless he dumps her or turns out to be a non-match after all. That could take years. I'm not here for years. I miss my family life and my kids, gladly this feeling is fading as days go by. Having a relationship is one of the basic wants we have - thus why not search for one when I'm ready? One thing I'm going to make sure though - I won't get attached to anyone before I'm 100% sure I would directly say "sorry, no thanks" to my XW if she decided to try to come back. I would never put any girl through what I've read in many "ex wants me back" -stories. When I start to seriously date someone exclusively, I'm going all in.

I feel that this "hoping" and waiting could possibly backfire very hard on me... It certainly does seem to keep me attached. I think a better approach for me would be to just move on and leave everything for destiny, even though I don't believe in that mumbojumbo. I just can't grasp detaching without moving on. Detaching is moving on for me. When I've fully detached to the point where I don't emotionally get any feelings when I hear from her/see her, why would I ever want to go back anymore? That's just ILYB. I still don't completely know if I want her back because of fear or because of love. Life would be easier but would it really be what I want? How can I find the answer for this question?

My T said the blame definitely wasn't 95% on me. She does agree I had some issues but she thinks they were not anything to divorce for, and she wonders why we never tried counselling. She said she's worried XWs hormones are playing a role here. She made me realize that I actually tried to be affectionate but it's hard to continue when you get turned down - eventually it fades away, thus she shifted some of the blame towards XW. Men tend to tolerate "worse" things much longer than women. Then again, I'm taking much of the blame because I could have acted differently and more confident regardless of her turning me down. I now understand that it was a huge hit to my confidence when she said that she doesn't want sex right now as it hurts. I should have understood it's just the physical sex and that it is related to the pregnancy... but that made me feel so bad. Also, each time when I tried to give her together time, she had her phone and social media open. I understand I did this too, but I can now see that it wasn't only me and it was a self-feeding thing (me doing it -> she doing it -> me doing it more -> she doing it more).

I still hope karma would happen, but hopefully that thought dies off. I don't want anything bad for her and I'm going to start to think that she actually started the new R after she BD'd me (and that she didn't believe this would happen). This is what she told to me and I'll believe it. This way it both hurts my ego less and makes me less angry. Hopefully she is going to find whatever she is searching for now and hopefully the guy isn't going to turn out to be a bad role model for my kids.

I laugh much more now. I'm much more confident too. I look people in the eyes, my XW too and I don't feel awkward about it anymore. I really feel now that I'm going to be fine, regardless. It'll take me time to truly change - but i'll work towards getting there. I will give myself time.

D baked me some ginger biscuits for me, they were good. Told her that I'm proud of her. S is so positive. He claps his hands all the time and laughs. It's amazing this boy has my genes, considering how negative I've been. My kids are amazing. I love them from the bottom of my heart.