WAWWAW? Woul? Would Love Opinions. Thanks! Part 7

[TBSakaJ9]

Joseph, I've been slow to provide my thoughts because I really am basing them mostly on my guy feeling/reaction to what you have been relaying about your situation. We all know how dangerous that can be, however, I actually do often have a good sense. Take it for what it's worth but here's my thoughts...

Hi Don, wow you have been here for a long time . We appreciate you sticking around and offering us newbies your wisdom!

There have been a lot of great people on this board, some who currently are active and others who I have literally spent hours reading about, who are no longer active, that have really helped me get to this point. I have list of about 10 or so that I continue to read which helps me continue to move forward and provide inspiration as crazy as it sounds!

Your challenge is to keep on going just as you are as I think it's working. That's going to be hard because it's already been three months which seems like a really, really long time, but honestly it will take a lot longer. Don't backslide and try to rush this and do your best not to give up.

Thank you for the positive re-enforcement. I am really trying hard to not look in the past or the future but stay in the present. I read a post once that essentially said don't look at your sitch in months, years, etc but ask yourself can you do the next minute? The next second? The next day? If you view it like that it doesn't seem so impossible does it?

I have about 3 consistent months were I have not backslid but that hardest thing is remaining patient. Especially as you grow in confidence, learn your value as a man and know you are going to be great either way its hard. I like to use the example of the wounded dolphin that is found at sea, brought to a rescue facility, and once healthy are released back into the wild. Sometimes it is hard stay in the rehab tank!

Many of the things your W is doing mine did as well. It took from June until January for her to decide to try to work on the R. Sadly, that only lasted for about three months and our C was zero help and I actually even think she didn't want us to get back together.

So what happened? Why did she come back and then it ultimately failed? What would you have done differently?

be ready for what to do should she take things to the next level. If it happens, this too will be critical to your sitch as often they will retreat back soon after. You will need to remain as detached as you are now - shrug it off, like, Um yeah, sure we can go to this event just the two of us or whatever it is.

I have been reading a lot lately on this particular subject and what I would do if/when she wants to work on the MR and if/when she brings up the D word again. Outside of coming here first . I feel in a very strong, confident place where I would be able to articulate my needs and what would need to happen. At this point in time I have nothing to lose.

You are the one that can make this happen. I know it's hard as hell to do but you are doing great. Either way, you are going to be fine - I just have this gut feeling you might be better than fine!

I really appreciate the vote of confidence, it means more than you know. This is a rollercoaster and at times you just need that pick me up and that encouragement to stay the course because outside of this board most of what you get from your friends is to move on, dump her, you can do better, etc.

You have no control over her and she has no control over you.

Correct, I agree. I think you realize that once you begin to detach and going forward in my next relationship I know better than to give someone the feeling they have the control.

Do you feel she thinks she in in control? If so, is she correct?

In the beginning I think she did but I think the dynamics have shifted some. I am definitely mind reading but I do feel it is shifting but it's hard to describe.

The control she had before was D and it being thrown out there. If she brings it up again I would tell her to go file if that is what she wants vs what I did before in telling her I didn't want one.

It's hard to convey that since I don't bring it up (D talk) so I think the control I have taken back would be with my actions. Not pursuing, distancing, not initiating contact etc. All the things that we are taught here that eventually over time will change the dynamics.

I do feel that there is starting to be some very small shifts. I will also say that I am no longer living in fear, I love my W, want our MR to work but I am not scared if it doesn't.




I thought it be would interesting to give you all some insight into the selfishness of my W.

She has our children this week and the company I work for bought a bunch of tickets to an amusement park. I can get them for free, including food vouchers so I know our girls would love to go.

So I sent my W an email this morning letting her know about them and since it is her week with them offering to get her tickets to take the girls.

Now, I am not a big amusement park person either but I am willing to go because I know my D's will love it.

So she responds back, with "Hi there, you know I am not a huge fan of the parks so you are welcome to have them".

I mean like really, it's not about you.

The good news is now I will have them and I will be taking them